I have been buried deep in shit this year....so much piling up on me, buried in clutter, buried in art supplies buried in my own deep thoughts and stuck in the mire of all the shit rambling around my head. Since the months I have not posted anything on here, I have been working only in my daily planner and making mail art.
Got through the shame of asking family and friends to help start the process of unburying the crap in my house....I have a LONG way to go but we are making progress...
Been doing some ancestry searching...found out on Friday a shocking piece of news. You know, all the horrific, strange, and down right weird shit I have survived in my family, I didn't think I could EVER be shocked again...
Never say never! And be careful when researching your family tree...there are MORE skeletons in the closet than I EVER thought there could be, and I don't know WHY it is shaking me to the core...but it is...I am left feeling ALL these huge feelings of betrayal...and who the fuck am I, and a little like an alien again....
Wow... Perfect timing since my kits from 23andMe JUST came in the mail a few minutes ago! WOW....
When my cousin Annette and I met up with our boys to see our Uncle Richard, he told us that his sister Gloria had found out that my mothers father on her birth certificate was NOT her fahter...I didn't really belive it until Friday. I found his grave online and damn!!!! Louis Gregoire died 10 Jun 1941 in San Francisco, San Francisco, California, USA, a little hard to be my grandfather considering my mother was born in August of 1942!!!!
I just hate that I had all this information of who I thought I was....crazy.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that my grandmother who was like my mom, never told us...as I was reeling from that, I was thinking how lonely and ashamed she must have been about a lot of things in her life....but not so far off from women who have been sexually molested as children.... I just wish I had the information when I could have talked to her about it....
When you find out some things about people that you really looked up to and find out the dark side about them, it does rock your world for a time.... I will balance out...but it did freak me out... AND gives me a peek into why her older children had such issues with her... I think by the time she got to raising me not only did she mellow out....but she was more loving to her last two kids than the previous 7. Just makes me sad for her....and tainted the memory of the woman who I thought I knew. There is a lot of shit I know about my grandmother and I always accepted her as a human being and I will continue to do that, but this one...why wouldn't she tell me who my grandfather was? Makes sense why she wouldn't take me to the grave!
It also makes some sense and to why my mother and her did not get along at all...maybe she had ghosts popping up in her head the entire time around my mother....
A friend told me how important it is to feeling about your unborn child, Yes....imprinting at pregnancy....ooosh...which is why I believe I have the feelings I do and why I struggle with being relevant in this world...I was never wanted by my mother or father and I was abandoned at birth.
I am ever grateful to my grandma Carmen who brought me home and took care of me with her youngest son Richard who was 16 when I was born...those two raised me until I was 12, when after a nervous breakdown and a shrink that told her to get me from them, I went to live with her...
My mother has hated me my entire life, she is a true Narcissistic personality disorder, and when I finally had enough of her ruining my life in order for her to feel better about herself....I have been healing. There will always be trigger points....like finding out this new information, and it will always bring up my abandonment and abuse issues stemming from my bio parents, but now I can understand it, FEEL it and move through it.... I am working on not getting stuck anymore....
I spent my youth wasting precious time being angry. Now I thank them for the person I became despite the horrific stuff that has happened. With all that pain came a great GIFT.... MY personal compassion for people, my ability to have empathy. Personally I would not change a thing....except some times the brokenness I feel is overwhelming....and I pick up a lot of emotions from people around me....so staying grounded is always a challenge. I am finding the balance! This is another piece of the puzzle that is making sense to the deep roots of not belonging anywhere....
....acknowledging, facing it, and moving forward is a good thing...and my journal is my best friend!
Yesterday, we met up with my cousin Annette and did the 23andMe DNA test. My cousin doesn't know her mom's side of the family origin for sure... they told her puerto rican, I always heard filipino, her grandfather looked Japanese...and I have NO idea who my mother's dad is now...so we decided to do this and try to find out! What a journey!
My family teases me about how much I photograph everything...so here you go...have a good laugh!
