Facing our Demons. Be fearless your nerves will thank you.
Every so often when the world becomes so triggering, I remind myself to have a tea party across from the old Demons that can pop up. Look them in the face, recognize where they are truly coming from, we all have a past with tendrils that can try to over take our great one and only life, like Mary Oliver reminds us, our life is in the tiny details of a plant that we notice on a walk. We have to do maintenance and trim those tendrils back to see and let the light come in during the day!
Oh 90% of the time I can handle when memories are triggered, hard times, sad times, life changing moments...but then other times it becomes painfully clear that our brains can put us right back in the moment of when things went so wrong, even down to the smells of that day, the lightening, the agony.
I fight to be open. I fight to be vulnerable. I fight to never keep things secret, because I believe that secrets keep us sick. And like Maya Angelou said "when you know better you do better". We all come into information at different times and ways, it makes us all unique.
One of the things I find as a trauma response is not being able to fully feel some times. It takes awhile for me to process all the feels. And that is annoying because I want to address it, feel it, and fucking move on from it. But that isn't how it works.
We had a wildfire coming straight at us on August 4th, it was terrifying...and in order to feel in control we packed what we could and put it all in the truck. My journals are still packed, I can't seem to feel comfortable enough to put it all away. These were taken from the window where I art in my livingroom.
I still have not processed all of the feels and panic I had with this incident. And it became a little more muddled the day after. We have no control over how our feelings will avalanche on us and trigger old wounds we thought we lanced and cleaned out.
I have talked about this before, but I was abandoned at birth and my grandma Carmen and Uncle Richard who was 16 when I was born raised me until my bio mother literally pulled me from them. I felt another deep abandonment and thought my uncle no longer wanted me because he was starting a new life being recently married. I never knew he had spoken to lawyers and wanted to fight for me, but thought he was doing the best for me by letting her take me.
Oh how hind sight is 2020. But that little kid with the gaping wound showed up when he called me to make sure I was alright with the fire happening. Weird right? He is calling in concern and my body goes to abandonment and loss. He is in his 70s now and doesn't remember some things we talked about, but it brought me back to that little kid. Weird since here I sit a grown ass adult who turned 60 last month! But those triggers are that...and you cannot control them.
So for me, I have invited the demons to the table to have tea and talk over old wounds and tell them, "Look you can whisper all you want that he doesn't love me, or care about me, but it is bullshit. He called me the minute he found out that I was in the path of the fire! so shut the fuck up, you hear me past demon?! I am serious. That wound has been acknowledged and clean out once again. You have no hold here to make me feel like shit anymore! I am glad you had tea with me, but you need to go now and leave me in the truth of love."
Blog along with Effy Wild.