The Gypsy on Adventure

Storming, Meditation and Acknowledgement

I get annoyed when I face the same issues over and over and over again, maybe in a different form, or a different human being, and I think why is this coming up again? I have done the work. I have done HARD work. I am vigilant about making sure I don't get stuck in one place. That I grow. That I learn. That I let go. That I encourage BETTER within me.  And I was talking to a friend about this a couple of years ago. I was blown away by what she said.

I am always in my head and I was talking to her about some painful memories and how sick I was of dealing with this shit every few years. She was SO wise! She told me her theory, that every time we see the issue again, we are seeing it from another angle, we see more of the lesson we learned, a deeper meaning, a deeper healing. That was an AH-HA moment for me. It made sense and it resonated with me.

I am just seeing these things at another angle...

As for my grief...I saw this and it resonated.

 

Continuing to work on my Storming pages in my journal. It is cathartic, and also touching on so many more things that I have survived. The key word SURVIVED. That is amazing all in itself, but not being bitter is one choice at a time.

Side note:

cathartic noun
ca·​thar·​tic | \ kə-ˈthär-tik
adj.Inducing catharsis; purgative.
n. An agent for purging the bowels, especially a laxative.

THAT just struck me as funny and couldn't stop giggling, because that is what happened last night after writing my last post!

I have always had the feeling that I was an alien, that I was the only abby-normal one.  Most of the people that I have run across in my life, has had a very different experience than I have. When people tell me they have had a great experience with their parents, that they were truly loved and happy, I am SO grateful they did!  But the beauty of being willing to be vulnerable and talk about issues, I find more and more, how my experiences relieve others, they don't feel alone after I open up. They may not have the same experience, but they experience pain. And it goes to show me that I am not different...or abby-normal. Every human being has pain they have to deal with.

I have been working on my grief with my brother, doing a lot of writing. And some painting. Watching some class videos and taking things easy today. Some down time after my post yesterday all my feelings. Just watching the birds today and enjoying our home. I love that I wake up in a cloud forest and then the beautiful day comes in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Storming and facing Grief...Trigger warning

In the class I am taking, Moonshine, the Tarot card pulled for the month of April was the 3 of Swords. Another reminder that I am NOT facing all of my grief. The biggest fear is that I won't be able to bear it. Which is stupid because my entire life has been about bearing grief. I have a right to my pain. I have a right to make decisions based on the VERY REAL reality of things that were done to me. I have a right to self-care and I make VERY SOUND decisions, I weigh things out, I research, I put an inner light on any issues. I CAN TRUST MY DECISIONS.  You may want to bypass reading this, I am basically writing it out to work it out again.

Excitement and Prep

Recovery day with a little self-care. Pain patches, hot coffee and checking out my birds this morning and the woodpeckers were being jerks today! But then I got a visit from the sweet and calm yellow bird.

 

Spent the day doing my Sweet Trash Journaling, making sure all my class notes are in. And reading, reading, reading. Tomorrow I will spend some time actually doing some work in my journal, like painting!

I have been prepping for my bi-annual MARS retreat, "Mountain Artists Retreat and Sleepover", we spend 2 nights and 3 days together where we all art it up and enjoy each others company! This time, we have so few ladies, we are going to be in a local Hotel and have access to the pool! So I am bringing my swim suit!  Relaxing. Drinking some wine, and painting! We meet up at Noon on Friday and don't go home until Sunday afternoon. I am SO looking forward to this! I am just going to pain in my journal and do some embroidery if my hands behave.

There is nothing better than art friends to lift your spirits, provoke you to be more creative, and laugh. I need to do some reflection on my grief, and see if I can get it to pour out of me this weekend, and really address it rather than deny it.  I have really been afraid of "going there", like I won't be able to stop the flood once it starts. 

I have been sketching out some new Mind Maps...as a pre-plan for all my goals...and how to get through all I want to get through this year with my art and my health. So I may focus more on that during the weekend if I have time. All I know is I need a big reset! 

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Feeling all accomplished

Last night I had a sleepless night. I was fretting over the 5K walk for this morning. My head was storming. WTF am I doing? Am I capable of walking the 3.5 miles? I usually hit the wall at 2.5 that I do every day.  My friend and I got there late, so we aren't in the group photo, but I didn't care we met up with our friends and we walked 3.75 miles!!!! I walked with a new friend and she was as slow as I am so we were a good match! We didn't stop for any breathers, we walked for 91 minutes! And just like that all the fears gone, and I FINISHED my FIRST 5K walk!  It made me closer to my friends who were walking with me, it made me happy that I could do HARD things! Accomplishment! And I have the T-shirt to prove it! I still cannot help but find beauty on any walk, I saw some birds, the cemetery to remind us to live our lives to the fullest every single day because life is short, and beautiful flowers! I love that so many of my friends were there and showed up for themselves too! 

 

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

 

 

 

          

Sweet boring

Oh! my new Sketch book came today!!! They ARE great for Sweet Trash! I wish I had started it in January, but that is ok, 1 in a composition book is fine, but man do I love this SO much!!! 

  I love this size of this book, I just cut some of the margin out of the page and can glue the entire PDF for the class inside, there is room for notes, I can sketch in it if I want to. I love the feel of it. I cannot do watercolor in it but this is for sweet trash...with all my feelings and notes. It just made me happy today! The other item that came was my new Tarot deck Crow Tarot. I love the imagery but the Starman is still my go-to deck right now05/100 of 100 Days Project, and a screw up with my pen when I was making the circle...but it is what it is...and I am moving on.

05/100 of 100 Days Project, and a screw up with my pen when I was making the circle...but it is what it is...and I am moving on. I am using the sparkly watercolors. Maybe I will actually have a decent one by the time the 100 days are over!

 

 

 

I was working in my journal today and trying to just let it be ugly, you know, how art has to go through ugly stages to get to where you want it to be? I am there right now. Lots of more work to do on it but I am glad I am back to working in my journal. What I am loving about this process is the doing of the work, not questioning the outcome, just getting the paint to go where I want it to, layering the work, being PATIENT which I am not very good at and letting it dry and being consistent in my process. I put together an art journal play list of some music and just hit this morning. I am getting more comfortable in how I want to approach the process.

Today on my walk we saw a few deer, they were across the street, but I love seeing them. We live on a relatively flat street and no traffic. It is a great walking street and lots of people who live here have dogs and so its a great dog walking street! It is about a mile long if we do the entire street. And I love hearing the birds, the quiet and seeing the wild life. This time of year we can hear the frogs singing. I am at peace where I live. It is a nice contrast to my before life.

View on my walk

My back view

Front of the house trees are finally blooming

Love when the trees get leaves again

View on my walk

Lets hope I can get some sleep because first thing in the morning is my FIRST 5K! 

I spent most of today Binge watching Sabrina Season 2 on Netflix....I love to binge but hate when it is over!

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Day of research and cleaning

04/100 100 Day Project

I have been slacking I really need to work in my journal. I don't like how my 100 day project is looking I need to change it up..

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Head Games - and not the Foreigner song!

I have been on a journey of getting healthier since June of 2018, I joined WW and I am grateful for their workshops and app, I have been able to lose 27 pounds so far. I am back in my normal fat clothes and I am so excited about that. I tried losing weight on my own, but I have no thyroid and I struggle. I have always eaten really healthy, I love vegetables and fruit, but I also love Cheetos! LOL I haven't had any Cheetos and I gave up my Dr. Pepper. (that addiction was lifelong) But I really want to age as well as I can. My stats are all great, my blood work is good, and I FINALLY found a doctor who is willing to test my thyroid levels every 3 months to make sure my meds are on track!

Today I had a huge moment of "OH SHIT I am an imposter"! I get so excited with everyone sharing their lives in the workshops, some of my friends were doing a 5K and I signed up for my first 5K!!!   I can walk 2.5 miles without too much pain but then I hit my threshold and pain grips me. So of course today I am all up in my head, worse case scenarios storming! The walk is on Sunday morning! The nice thing was when I mentioned this several friends said, that's ok! I will walk with you! So I am doing it! Putting my pain patches on, wearing good shoes and getting out with a group of other women working on themselves so I am doing my first 5K! Who the fuck am I? I would have NEVER have signed up for a 5K before! I have to say with all the head games my inner critic sends me on I am enjoying learning about the new me!

Every thing I love to do, draw, paint, knit, sew, bead, journal all involves sitting. So I have been really trying to incorporate more movement into my life. So today, even though I feel like an imposter, I am proud of myself for trying something new! And I am laughing at myself because I am still paying for the gardening I did on Saturday!!! I hurt! LOL So Sunday is going to be a mindful walk, meditation that I can DO HARD THINGS!

5 of Cups Reversed

Goals being slain!

I followed through with pulling a Tarot Card everyday last month! I am keeping it up and gleaning some powerful imagery and relating the cards to what is deeply going on in my life. Reading over the March entries, there is a bit of oh that is creepy, but more of that is SO amazing, resonating so strong with the struggles I am dealing with. It was all about my Grief, from my brother's death to wounds from family members.

My last card pulled for March was the 5 of Cups Reversed. Oooooof….all about moving forward from what was lost! Use grief as a force for good feelings of deep compassion and empathy. Thrust into a sacrid realm where the healing  capacity of emotions is allowed to work.  Use the force of grief as a force for GOOD. The cup is carved deeper by emotion which tears at the heart of your being, creating more space then to hold wonder, joy and grace. Deep compassion and empathy.

In my life, when I have dealt with deep soul cutting grief, I have always made the conscience decision to be "Better rather than Bitter". I am "better" for the disasters that have happened in my life. Molding me pliable for deep compassion and empathy for others going through what I have in my life. I believe if we share our stories of pain and how we have overcome it, it does give hope to others in the trenches of that kind of pain. 

Empathy. Ooof… I am an empath. It is painful and hard to be one. Some times I just cut off the chatter of it...other times I listen and move through it. It is exhausting and hard sometimes to feel my own shit because of it. It is the absolute reason why I hate being in big cities and love being more in the country. I don't have all of the bombardment of people hammering at me. Still learning how to ground myself and not be so hypervigilant of what is going on around me. I suppose I am still in denial of it...it was more astounding when I was a kid through the teen years, but I put it away when I had to be more conservative navigating my career years. So it is popping up more and more in my retirement. I could always feel a ripple in the universe and KNOW that something was going on with family members or those close to me...

Fear...just have to walk through the fire

Day 2 of 31 days of blogging with Effy

Part of my art anxiety was actually doing paint to canvas. That whole, who the crap do I think I am, an artist? Yes, I have always thought of myself as an artist. No I am not van Gogh but I enjoy working in paint, I enjoy the art I do. Honestly, I don't care if I ever sell a thing, it IS the process of creating art that fills my soul up!

View from the side of my house

Dream She-shed

Part of my frustration has been not having a studio. When we moved into our forever house, I compromised with not having an out building, and a smaller home to stay within our budget, I don't want my studio IN my house. I create a mess and like to leave it...too long. Also, I want to keep our guest room a place for people to come and visit us. In our last place my studio/family room got way out of hand, I lost 3 girl friends and inherited some of their supplies plus mine and I was completely overwhelmed until we moved. I stopped having people over because the house was old, and it looked like a hoarder lived there.  Plus, inside our house, they put new carpet before we moved in...so I didn't think of painting inside the house. But I have been here over a year, and I am no closer to getting my She-shed studio, 90% of my stuff is still in the storage pod.  

This will be my view when I get the She-shed up. They are more expensive than I thought they were, and I am going to look into them building it on a trailer frame. For 2 reasons: 1 if we move I can take it with me, and 2nd, if it is on a trailer frame it won't be attached to my house taxes being raised.

For the last two years I have only been doing watercolors since it is so portable. I did get my portable art table up near my window, to the incredible view I am SO grateful for! And I have started to paint! On canvas! I have been working in my 2019 Journal as well. So my living room now looks like an artist lives here who is messy! gah...but I can't NOT do extensive art anymore...my soul needs this work.