The Gypsy on Adventure

Gratitude

I am almost done with digging myself out of debt. When my brother Steve died in December 2018, I spiraled. I have been learning so much about my trauma responses since his death and really examining my reactions and when it happens.

The HP gaming laptop I bought 6 years ago when we moved, has been doing a slow dance of death, and I have been wanting to get a new one and upgrade a bit. Here is where my gratitude comes in, WGB on a black Friday sale bought me the computer I wanted. It came last night...and today was the first time I was able to really try it out. It is SO much easier to change laptops now...everything was brought over including my Word, and Excel software! That was so sweet! Easy to find everything I needed.

Grateful for WGB and Sales!

HP - Victus 15.6" Gaming Laptop and it screaming fast!

Change is never easy.

 

 

 

 

The first 2 photos are of a plant that I received from my friend Chrissy when my bird died in December, the darn raccoons last night knocked it over and displaced the dirt! Grimmy little poo butts! So I repotted in a bigger pot and I hope that it comes back. I had to plant the cuttings today, they had enough roots to try, and I am hoping that they don't get root rot.  (3 photo

The 4th and 5th photo is of 2 plants that were doing poorly just weeks ago and they are back to being happy! I am really lucky that they didn't die on me in this horrible heat this Summer!

 

 

 

And our Orange tree has ONE orange we are nurturing on it! My orange and lemon tree's are very young, so when we get fruit I am amazed! We need to repot this one still, its been so hot I just have not wanted to...and WGB is talking about putting it in the ground instead of a pot...so undecided still. My Meyer Lemon is staying on my deck because I don't want to let it get big...I like it mini!

Chrissy, one of my besties,  came by with a few art things for me today, I guess they have their first viewing for the house tomorrow. This has really depressed me, they are moving out of the State. And she was a big reason for why we are living where we are. They let us stay with them for 1 month before we found and moved into our first home. She means a lot to us, and she is always a lot of fun and very compassionate. It is not going to be the same without her, she is going to leave a really huge void for us.

WGB was like, she is not going to be happy. Then he said, well I guess I should say "I" am not going to be very happy without her here! 

I feel like almost 2 years was stolen from us with this damn covid and not being able to do the plans we had. She has taught me a lot about canning, gardening, cooking...I am just really sad and she hasn't even left yet. I am going to miss her just stopping by.

Grief is getting hard

Facing our Demons. Be fearless your nerves will thank you.

Every so often when the world becomes so triggering, I remind myself to have a tea party across from the old Demons that can pop up. Look them in the face, recognize where they are truly coming from, we all have a past with tendrils that can try to over take our great one and only life, like Mary Oliver reminds us, our life is in the tiny details of a plant that we notice on a walk. We have to do maintenance and trim those tendrils back to see and let the light come in during the day!

Oh 90% of the time I can handle when memories are triggered, hard times, sad times, life changing moments...but then other times it becomes painfully clear that our brains can put us right back in the moment of when things went so wrong, even down to the smells of that day, the lightening, the agony.

I fight to be open. I fight to be vulnerable. I fight to never keep things secret, because I believe that secrets keep us sick. And like Maya Angelou said "when you know better you do better". We all come into information at different times and ways, it makes us all unique. 

One of the things I find as a trauma response is not being able to fully feel some times. It takes awhile for me to process all the feels. And that is annoying because I want to address it, feel it, and fucking move on from it. But that isn't how it works.

We had a wildfire coming straight at us on August 4th, it was terrifying...and in order to feel in control we packed what we could and put it all in the truck. My journals are still packed, I can't seem to feel comfortable enough to put it all away. These were taken from the window where I art in my livingroom.

I still have not processed all of the feels and panic I had with this incident. And it became a little more muddled the day after. We have no control over how our feelings will avalanche on us and trigger old wounds we thought we lanced and cleaned out.

I have talked about this before, but I was abandoned at birth and my grandma Carmen and Uncle Richard who was 16 when I was born raised me until my bio mother literally pulled me from them. I felt another deep abandonment and thought my uncle no longer wanted me because he was starting a new life being recently married. I never knew he had spoken to lawyers and wanted to fight for me, but thought he was doing the best for me by letting her take me.

Oh how hind sight is 2020. But that little kid with the gaping wound showed up when he called me to make sure I was alright with the fire happening. Weird right? He is calling in concern and my body goes to abandonment and loss. He is in his 70s now and doesn't remember some things we talked about, but it brought me back to that little kid. Weird since here I sit a grown ass adult who turned 60 last month! But those triggers are that...and you cannot control them.

So for me, I have invited the demons to the table to have tea and talk over old wounds and tell them, "Look you can whisper all you want that he doesn't love me, or care about me, but it is bullshit. He called me the minute he found out that I was in the path of the fire! so shut the fuck up, you hear me past demon?! I am serious. That wound has been acknowledged and clean out once again. You have no hold here to make me feel like shit anymore! I am glad you had tea with me, but you need to go now and leave me in the truth of love."

Blog along with Effy Wild.

Wisdom

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough, and we'll be more content when they are.

After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

A quote comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink.... there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

Copyright © 1997 Crystal Boyd

Artwork: Sarah Treanor 

I am so grateful that I was finally brave enough in 2000, to completely change my life. I stopped being afraid of being "happy" and I jumped in with both feet. I have no regrets! I spent way too many years unhappy and trying hard to change what simply was. I accepted the fact I could ONLY change myself, and I did! I have a man who loves me so deeply, it still scares the shit out of me, and I love him with everything that is in my being! We make each other better, stronger, and unconditional.

We finished our years working and retired together. We changed our lives again by going on a 5 month road trip to see the U.S. And found we really only wanted to live in California, and moved to the foothills of Sierra Nevada Mountains...we bought our first house. We say to each other every day "WE get to live here!" We make improvements when we can, and make it feel like our own. Little things add up, after all, it is the small things in life that bring such joy.

 

Back for more...

I wasn't ready for the 2 hour drive but we did it again, drove back to the pottery place, our mini meyer lemon tree and orange tree need to be repotted and fertilized. So we decided to get two more pots.

We were able to get the pots, hard decision on color, we went with Red to match our house Trim.  They are beautiful pots, but they didn't have the right color for the pans that go under them, the pottery place is low on all of their items (you couldn't tell that) but they have been waiting for several containers of the pots and the water catchers for months, she thinks she will have them in some time in July. For now we have plastic ones we can use. 

Our tree's are looking a little stressed, they need to be fed and replanted. I think they get too hot on the deck with full Summer sun, so we need to put them under the eves or on the side of the house where they can get some shade in the afternoon. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I kept dreaming of the Durpy Zen Frog and ended up buying him! I LURVE him! He is quite big and heavy...for now just near the roses. 

Garden time

We have a really nice home and I am grateful for it, and a little at a time we try to improve it. We have been updating our garden. I bought a yellow rose in memoriam for Crackers, and it starts out super yellow and then gets pale. We wanted to get a pot like we had for our orange rose, and nothing was affordable near us. 

We drove to Vacaville to the pottery place we saw off of Highway 80 some time ago, and it is huge and filled with pots and garden art! 

 

 

 

 

 

We couldn't find one that matched that other rose we have but we got one that was dark blue with some green. They also had a metal flower that I really liked so we bought that too! Some times you just need a little adventure...we had spent most of 2020 in lockdown and although it feels weird to be out...we are starting to again.

Hopeful

I haven't been out of the house in a really long time. So we drove down the hill, and went to Eisley's Garden Center, only to find out they were bought out from Green Acres. They did a ton of clean up and expansions on the property. 

I bought Strawberry mint, Chocolate mint, Lemon Verbina, Oregano Italian to start off my herb garden, 1 yellow squash, 6 lettuce, 6 corn to start off our veggies. 

I found a beautiful hanging Fushia, I am going to try to see if it will grow at our house...it may be too hot and I may have to hang it closer to the house under the patio and not have it in the sun on the outside of the patio. 

Memorial for Crackers

I also found a Yellow Rose, the Julia Child Rose, to be the memorial rose for Crackers. I really wanted a Yellow Rose to remember her little yellow head. This is supposed to be fragrant so I hope it will be.

If it is not fragrant enough I will look for another rose. But it is no where near blooming. It is not just a root ball though. 

I also think this will be a beautiful addition to the Orange Rose I have had the last 20 years. That is the Lucy Memorial Rose that I have. 

What was hard about today, was I am SO not used to being in traffic around all the people, and being out in stores and such with so many people! I am not used to people anymore and I am still nervous about Covid-19 since I am immune compromised. Still mask up, keep my distance and wash my hands a lot, or use the hand sanitizer. I was like a feral cat avoiding every one! 

I will have to say though, it boosted my spirits SO much being around so many plants, life bursting all around me, it was glorious! I do need to find a nice big ceramic pot for the new Rose and some other ceramic pots for other plants at home. We are going to go to another pottery place though, because what I wanted was over $100 and it is too pricy!  I want a pretty pot for the rose for sure. 

I also found a really cool Frog Buddha and it was reasonable so I got it! It looks awesome!

Today just really lifted my spirits.

Final Ritual of Death

We were able to pick up Crackers tonight before the vet closed.

I need to find a local place to get a plaque engraved for her box.

Last of the excruciatingly painful steps of the rituals of death and grief.

 

Grieving hard

I am quiet because I am having a really hard time....

We miss our girl. This is the first time we are real Empty Nesters. The house is too quiet. I was owned by that sweet girl for 36 years, in March she would have been 37. She was like one of my kids. But also heartbreaking is the bond that WGB and Crackers had. She loved him so much! True story, the first year we were living together and he went to Montana to visit his family, he had to talk to her EVERY DAY or she would not eat! Same with my oldest cat at the time, they refused to eat until he talked to them.

Good Bye Sweet Girl

We are devastated.

Cracker's died this morning at 10:00 am.

March 1984 -December 19, 2020