Some times I just get worn out. Since 2004 I have had bad sciatica. And my ass is killing me again and of course straight down my leg all on the right side...
Still playing phone tag with the PT place...I am sure not in the Bay Area ... I would have been scheduled and already in the office... I guess I will leave a message AGAIN tomorrow....fuck! I love living here but the pace is hard to get used to! Especially when you are in pain.
Now off to pretend to sleep.
Life is hard.
Even when you are in a really good place in your life, life is hard.
Reminders to myself...I always choose a word for the year, and this year it is two... "Be Kind".
And in January I decided to start meditating again...and being more mindful. I love following Dan Harris Podcast 10% Happier. Have you ever noticed when you make a decision to enrich your life, that all the odds come at you to derail you? And it has happened...my mind gets so cluttered with thoughts from the pain of other people. I have to remember to L E T G O... Breathe through the hard parts. I cannot change their lives for them, I cannot fix things...I can try to give them wisdom...but it is up to them to take it.
I have been enjoying my kitchen and cooking...feeling a connection to my grandma as I figure out how to really cook. And then I read this today:
Turning cooking into a mindfulness practice does not require fancy broiling, braising, or basting. We don’t need to have a Michelin star to be a mindful chef—all that is required is our five senses.
“When you cut the carrot, just cut the carrot,” says Lulu Cook. Don’t mindlessly chop. Notice the colors, smells and sounds, and feel your fingertips as you prepare the food. Paying attention in this way can be nourishing not only to our taste buds, but all of our senses and state of mind.
Stuffing the closest edible item into your mouth without a second thought to how it got to there is an easy habit to develop. Try taking a mindful moment to reflect on where your food came from, who was involved and the effort it took to make it to your plate. Adding a dash of gratitude into the meal can be a nice seasoning.
And I would add a dash of gratitude for learning how to prepare a good meal...a really flavorful meal...every thing tastes vibrant to me since I started to really cook. It is amazing! I even enjoy leftovers...like this beautiful chicken soup with lentle, barley, leeks, squash and zucchini. Some how with the preparation of food I meditate and clear the crap that rattles around my head from other peoples noise. I find a connection that is deeper with WGB...in this really great life I have with him. It is the simple rituals of life that are the sweetest.
This morning the girl flew out to go home to South Korea again. I get SO sad when she leaves because it is going to be a full year before we see her again...and this year for some reason it just feels worse. I hate it. I am happy SHE is happy I am bummed for us.
I had an appt with the rheumatologist today...it wasn't good news. She believes I have Fibro. However, the only good news was that she didn't look at me like I had 3 heads...but my body has been dealing with my thyroid issues as well and menopause. It is SO hard to figure out what the hell is going on. She referred me to a Endo...so that is next...I am just tired of feeling this way.
The super cool Lindsay Planner from Adorn It came today! I am excited to work in this!!! I bought an extra one as well...it may be going to a cousin!
It has every month with one of her moon girls with the month theme! And I am going to use it for my Tangie Baxter planner pages this year! So excited!
Each one is on watercolor paper so you can color each month! So much fun!
David Bowie's new video came out...kinda creepy and I am trying to figure it all out...but it was disturbing to my soul!
Ok...first day in the gym...it was ABS...I SO don't look like the photo...but I do have the pain! MET my step goal too! Today I fucking kicked ass even if I am slow like a turtle the point is I am changing it up and pushing through...if I wait to not be in pain before I start I won't ever start...so pain and pain...it's all good! I am going to be a fucking beast! starting the new year off right...determined!
The reason I pay so much to live here...this is my Winter! 72 and lovely! 2.83 Mile walk today... Beautiful afternoon!
Park by my house
Thanks to my friend for a nice 3.25 mile walk.... I will improve! Part way through it was all about zen...do not focus on the pain accept and move through it! I am back to out of shape and not where I want to be, Taji 100 is coming up and I am starting to be serious again...small steps, small focus points, I can do this!
Yeah! I got up at 4:00 am...to finish the prep...I was crying by the end of it! It is DISGUSTING! I had to bite a lime slice after everytime I drank it...ending up barfing...gah...AND if they would tell you what color you are looking for I would NOT have had to do the morning prep! Bastards!
My prep was perfect! THANK GAWD!
I had a terrific nurse, but I told her I was freaking because of the IV...my veins hide...they hid. She tried the right side, nope, no go...then heated up my left arm and got it to finally go in a vein! ROLLING EYES! ALWAYS BAD!!!
I loved my doctor! She was very nice and explained a lot. Since I have IBS she decided to do two biopsies, one on the left side and one on the right side to check for a type of colitis that with someone with IBS can be overlooked.
I was SO out of it, my body doesn't tolerate drugs well, so she added an anti-nausia med in my meds. The nurse AFTER the surgery (not the one during) was not helpful at all...I don't even know how I got dressed let alone walked out without my shoes on!
WGB stopped at a Starbucks got me a Tuxedo coffee (which I haven't ordered in YEARS, but some how in my stupor remembered it, got me a breakfast item and scones...and I have NO memory of this at all...I layed out on the couch and was out all day ... I am writing this several days after! Friday was also spent on the couch where I slept most of the day away in my pjs and only took a shower because WGB told me I stunk! ah true love!
Most of the weekend I have spent walking bent over and wondering if all was ok with the biopsies because I fricken HURT! But seeing the photo of the way your colon goes I now understand that exactly where I am hurting is most like the places she did take the biopsy.
Just need time to heal.
The good news:
cancer! Whoot! AND another 10 years without having to have one of these bad boys again! So I am following through on all the things I need to do to take care of myself and fulfill THIS years word which is CLEAN. Clean up my health, clean up my finances, clean up my house...all that CLEAN!
So I am hoping that tomorrow and the rest of the week at work isn't too bad...I wasn't able to make it through the last few days without flaking on the couch and doing nothing!
First of all in about 2005 I lost a good friend of mine. Wow...its been that long. She had a family history of colon cancer. She didn't get a colonoscopy until she was 53, and then they found colon cancer. (Linda is on the right)
Last year I made HEALING my year word. I finally made an appointment to get my colonoscopy done in December...and yea the prep is today! I took half a day off for this wonderful experience! WHO in their right minds prescribes this horrible stuff for you? It is SO horrible I really don't know HOW I am going to finish HALF of the bottle at 4:00 am tomorrow! B L E R G
Of course all week I have had anxiety attacks. AND since I am 53 Linda keeps running in my head how she could have kicked herself for not taking the test at 50! So my brain keeps going there! Everyone keeps telling me that the prep is hardest...we will see tomorrow.
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