The Gypsy on Adventure

MARS Retreat

Before I could get to the retreat, I am grateful for my tax return, because it paid to finally fix my Monte Carlo! The damn thing had an ignition switch problem that screwed up my heating and air! So I couldn't defrost or cool myself off! UGH AND I am grateful it wasn't the blower! 

The guy at the dealer took a double take on the mileage! He was like, REALLY? Its only at 54K and its a 2000, he said it is in great condition. I told him when I bought it 2009, it was at 12K and he said, so you haven't put much on either! LOL I guess not. A couple of issues but nothing that has to be addressed right now! I told him I always think of it like a Grandma Car...he said, um, no this is a little hot rod! I said, um no! My Torino IS a hot rod!  WGB always tells me I underestimate the car, I just feel CONSERVATIVE in it.

But now I am no longer dependent on WGB to drive me around! AND I get my independence back! I hate to have to rely on anyone! I am happy to share my life with him, but like my independence!!!  Plus I forgot how to drive!  Not really, but its been way too long. So I had a little stressful start to the weekend but grateful to have my car back and fixed! And looking forward to driving!

This morning I finished prepping all my food, and buttoned up the packing. It's Retreat time! Twice a year my art tribe gets together and puts on the Mountain Artist Retreat Sleepover! This is our 10th year!!! We do it Bi-Annually and this year we are Uptown Girls! We lost our normal camp and decided to upgrade to a fancy hotel with a conference room! Best decision ever!

I brought less stuff than last time, each one I learn to bring less and less! AND my suitcase was half full for the clothes and shoes. 2 bags of supplies to create. And 2 bags of food. Next time I am aiming for 1 bag of supplies. (lucky I live in town!) WGB went back home picked up my computer chair and brought it back for me, it saves my back. Sitting in tiny chairs that are uncomfortable all weekend would have me hurting too much. SO grateful for my boyfriend, the love of my life. Even my tribe noticed I was cutting back on what I brought! Living closer makes it SO much easier! If I really need something, I could go home and get it!

I am still storming, grappling with all the stuff coming up since January. I am really tired of repressing my anger, disappointment, the fact that my soul was torn in savage way that I did not deserve. My inner soul is bloody, raw, ugly, torn and broken. And in the midst of that, I have not addressed the grief of losing my brother. 

I am truly trying to F E E L what I need to F E E L. Every day I still pull my Tarot card for the day, and I have to say it has been right on each day! Feeling more comfortable with my deck again, its been too long since I practiced. I am enjoying this journey. It is following all the storming I am feeling. I know that this will change me but I am no longer dreading it, or fearing it!

And for my 100 Day Project Watercolor washes and quotes, my talented friend Lindsay taught me Colusa Skies! A watercolor technique she does and it is perfect for my watercolor washes and quotes. This is why I love getting together with the tribe, we inspire each other, encourage one another, and love each other! 

I have to say I love these watercolors as well! They are quickly becoming my favorite for washes! They are creamy and large enough to fill my brush easily.  

Remember we are all working on things we want for ourselves, and I am remembering that this month my job is to confront and Grieve my Grief!

I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

 

 

Storming, Meditation and Acknowledgement

I get annoyed when I face the same issues over and over and over again, maybe in a different form, or a different human being, and I think why is this coming up again? I have done the work. I have done HARD work. I am vigilant about making sure I don't get stuck in one place. That I grow. That I learn. That I let go. That I encourage BETTER within me.  And I was talking to a friend about this a couple of years ago. I was blown away by what she said.

I am always in my head and I was talking to her about some painful memories and how sick I was of dealing with this shit every few years. She was SO wise! She told me her theory, that every time we see the issue again, we are seeing it from another angle, we see more of the lesson we learned, a deeper meaning, a deeper healing. That was an AH-HA moment for me. It made sense and it resonated with me.

I am just seeing these things at another angle...

As for my grief...I saw this and it resonated.

 

Storming and facing Grief...Trigger warning

In the class I am taking, Moonshine, the Tarot card pulled for the month of April was the 3 of Swords. Another reminder that I am NOT facing all of my grief. The biggest fear is that I won't be able to bear it. Which is stupid because my entire life has been about bearing grief. I have a right to my pain. I have a right to make decisions based on the VERY REAL reality of things that were done to me. I have a right to self-care and I make VERY SOUND decisions, I weigh things out, I research, I put an inner light on any issues. I CAN TRUST MY DECISIONS.  You may want to bypass reading this, I am basically writing it out to work it out again.

Feeling all accomplished

Last night I had a sleepless night. I was fretting over the 5K walk for this morning. My head was storming. WTF am I doing? Am I capable of walking the 3.5 miles? I usually hit the wall at 2.5 that I do every day.  My friend and I got there late, so we aren't in the group photo, but I didn't care we met up with our friends and we walked 3.75 miles!!!! I walked with a new friend and she was as slow as I am so we were a good match! We didn't stop for any breathers, we walked for 91 minutes! And just like that all the fears gone, and I FINISHED my FIRST 5K walk!  It made me closer to my friends who were walking with me, it made me happy that I could do HARD things! Accomplishment! And I have the T-shirt to prove it! I still cannot help but find beauty on any walk, I saw some birds, the cemetery to remind us to live our lives to the fullest every single day because life is short, and beautiful flowers! I love that so many of my friends were there and showed up for themselves too! 

 

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

 

 

 

          

Sweet boring

Oh! my new Sketch book came today!!! They ARE great for Sweet Trash! I wish I had started it in January, but that is ok, 1 in a composition book is fine, but man do I love this SO much!!! 

  I love this size of this book, I just cut some of the margin out of the page and can glue the entire PDF for the class inside, there is room for notes, I can sketch in it if I want to. I love the feel of it. I cannot do watercolor in it but this is for sweet trash...with all my feelings and notes. It just made me happy today! The other item that came was my new Tarot deck Crow Tarot. I love the imagery but the Starman is still my go-to deck right now05/100 of 100 Days Project, and a screw up with my pen when I was making the circle...but it is what it is...and I am moving on.

05/100 of 100 Days Project, and a screw up with my pen when I was making the circle...but it is what it is...and I am moving on. I am using the sparkly watercolors. Maybe I will actually have a decent one by the time the 100 days are over!

 

 

 

I was working in my journal today and trying to just let it be ugly, you know, how art has to go through ugly stages to get to where you want it to be? I am there right now. Lots of more work to do on it but I am glad I am back to working in my journal. What I am loving about this process is the doing of the work, not questioning the outcome, just getting the paint to go where I want it to, layering the work, being PATIENT which I am not very good at and letting it dry and being consistent in my process. I put together an art journal play list of some music and just hit this morning. I am getting more comfortable in how I want to approach the process.

Today on my walk we saw a few deer, they were across the street, but I love seeing them. We live on a relatively flat street and no traffic. It is a great walking street and lots of people who live here have dogs and so its a great dog walking street! It is about a mile long if we do the entire street. And I love hearing the birds, the quiet and seeing the wild life. This time of year we can hear the frogs singing. I am at peace where I live. It is a nice contrast to my before life.

View on my walk

My back view

Front of the house trees are finally blooming

Love when the trees get leaves again

View on my walk

Lets hope I can get some sleep because first thing in the morning is my FIRST 5K! 

I spent most of today Binge watching Sabrina Season 2 on Netflix....I love to binge but hate when it is over!

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Head Games - and not the Foreigner song!

I have been on a journey of getting healthier since June of 2018, I joined WW and I am grateful for their workshops and app, I have been able to lose 27 pounds so far. I am back in my normal fat clothes and I am so excited about that. I tried losing weight on my own, but I have no thyroid and I struggle. I have always eaten really healthy, I love vegetables and fruit, but I also love Cheetos! LOL I haven't had any Cheetos and I gave up my Dr. Pepper. (that addiction was lifelong) But I really want to age as well as I can. My stats are all great, my blood work is good, and I FINALLY found a doctor who is willing to test my thyroid levels every 3 months to make sure my meds are on track!

Today I had a huge moment of "OH SHIT I am an imposter"! I get so excited with everyone sharing their lives in the workshops, some of my friends were doing a 5K and I signed up for my first 5K!!!   I can walk 2.5 miles without too much pain but then I hit my threshold and pain grips me. So of course today I am all up in my head, worse case scenarios storming! The walk is on Sunday morning! The nice thing was when I mentioned this several friends said, that's ok! I will walk with you! So I am doing it! Putting my pain patches on, wearing good shoes and getting out with a group of other women working on themselves so I am doing my first 5K! Who the fuck am I? I would have NEVER have signed up for a 5K before! I have to say with all the head games my inner critic sends me on I am enjoying learning about the new me!

Every thing I love to do, draw, paint, knit, sew, bead, journal all involves sitting. So I have been really trying to incorporate more movement into my life. So today, even though I feel like an imposter, I am proud of myself for trying something new! And I am laughing at myself because I am still paying for the gardening I did on Saturday!!! I hurt! LOL So Sunday is going to be a mindful walk, meditation that I can DO HARD THINGS!

5 of Cups Reversed

Goals being slain!

I followed through with pulling a Tarot Card everyday last month! I am keeping it up and gleaning some powerful imagery and relating the cards to what is deeply going on in my life. Reading over the March entries, there is a bit of oh that is creepy, but more of that is SO amazing, resonating so strong with the struggles I am dealing with. It was all about my Grief, from my brother's death to wounds from family members.

My last card pulled for March was the 5 of Cups Reversed. Oooooof….all about moving forward from what was lost! Use grief as a force for good feelings of deep compassion and empathy. Thrust into a sacrid realm where the healing  capacity of emotions is allowed to work.  Use the force of grief as a force for GOOD. The cup is carved deeper by emotion which tears at the heart of your being, creating more space then to hold wonder, joy and grace. Deep compassion and empathy.

In my life, when I have dealt with deep soul cutting grief, I have always made the conscience decision to be "Better rather than Bitter". I am "better" for the disasters that have happened in my life. Molding me pliable for deep compassion and empathy for others going through what I have in my life. I believe if we share our stories of pain and how we have overcome it, it does give hope to others in the trenches of that kind of pain. 

Empathy. Ooof… I am an empath. It is painful and hard to be one. Some times I just cut off the chatter of it...other times I listen and move through it. It is exhausting and hard sometimes to feel my own shit because of it. It is the absolute reason why I hate being in big cities and love being more in the country. I don't have all of the bombardment of people hammering at me. Still learning how to ground myself and not be so hypervigilant of what is going on around me. I suppose I am still in denial of it...it was more astounding when I was a kid through the teen years, but I put it away when I had to be more conservative navigating my career years. So it is popping up more and more in my retirement. I could always feel a ripple in the universe and KNOW that something was going on with family members or those close to me...

Fear...just have to walk through the fire

Day 2 of 31 days of blogging with Effy

Part of my art anxiety was actually doing paint to canvas. That whole, who the crap do I think I am, an artist? Yes, I have always thought of myself as an artist. No I am not van Gogh but I enjoy working in paint, I enjoy the art I do. Honestly, I don't care if I ever sell a thing, it IS the process of creating art that fills my soul up!

View from the side of my house

Dream She-shed

Part of my frustration has been not having a studio. When we moved into our forever house, I compromised with not having an out building, and a smaller home to stay within our budget, I don't want my studio IN my house. I create a mess and like to leave it...too long. Also, I want to keep our guest room a place for people to come and visit us. In our last place my studio/family room got way out of hand, I lost 3 girl friends and inherited some of their supplies plus mine and I was completely overwhelmed until we moved. I stopped having people over because the house was old, and it looked like a hoarder lived there.  Plus, inside our house, they put new carpet before we moved in...so I didn't think of painting inside the house. But I have been here over a year, and I am no closer to getting my She-shed studio, 90% of my stuff is still in the storage pod.  

This will be my view when I get the She-shed up. They are more expensive than I thought they were, and I am going to look into them building it on a trailer frame. For 2 reasons: 1 if we move I can take it with me, and 2nd, if it is on a trailer frame it won't be attached to my house taxes being raised.

For the last two years I have only been doing watercolors since it is so portable. I did get my portable art table up near my window, to the incredible view I am SO grateful for! And I have started to paint! On canvas! I have been working in my 2019 Journal as well. So my living room now looks like an artist lives here who is messy! gah...but I can't NOT do extensive art anymore...my soul needs this work.

Did time stand still? Because it felt like my heart stopped and time stood still.

Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.

It's been an incredibly hard day.

Grateful to have had so many awesome years working with this man...I am going to miss him singing me Happy Birthday the only way HE could, and all the times we would talk and just laugh. I learned SO much from him, and changed my life when he had his first heart attack and open heart surgery I quit smoking...that was 18 years ago...so every day I had with him after that scary event was gravy! This time, from his death, his heart gave out on him, I am making another change, cardio! I had WGB pull my bicycle out and I am going to ride it 2-3 times a week and the other days I am going to walk and hoop! Even in his death he teaches me! 

 

Death cannot take away our memories or our friendship. You meant the world to me. I love you. So many years he was the departments photographer...but he will ALWAYS be the best School Resource Officer we ever had! I love you to the moon and back...I like to think of you telling Jokes with Hugh and enjoying your freedom! Kiss our Ellen when you see her!

 

 

I will always miss you Bill.

 

I remember the day after he retired in 2003 and it felt SO weird to walk into the building without him there! Now it feels strange to walk in a world where he isn’t anymore. And my grief is all over the map!

 

Trying to find my feet again.

Goals and Practices

Life is hard. 

Even when you are in a really good place in your life, life is hard. 

Reminders to myself...I always choose a word for the year, and this year it is two... "Be Kind".

And in January I decided to start meditating again...and being more mindful. I love following Dan Harris Podcast 10% Happier. Have you ever noticed when you make a decision to enrich your life, that all the odds come at you to derail you? And it has happened...my mind gets so cluttered with thoughts from the pain of other people. I have to remember to L E T G O...  Breathe through the hard parts. I cannot change their lives for them, I cannot fix things...I can try to give them wisdom...but it is up to them to take it.

I have been enjoying my kitchen and cooking...feeling a connection to my grandma as I figure out how to really cook. And then I read this today: 

Seriously, Just Chop the Carrot  

• Turning cooking into a mindfulness practice does not require fancy broiling, braising, or basting. We don’t need to have a Michelin star to be a mindful chef—all that is required is our five senses.

• “When you cut the carrot, just cut the carrot,” says Lulu Cook. Don’t mindlessly chop. Notice the colors, smells and sounds, and feel your fingertips as you prepare the food. Paying attention in this way can be nourishing not only to our taste buds, but all of our senses and state of mind.

• Stuffing the closest edible item into your mouth without a second thought to how it got to there is an easy habit to develop. Try taking a mindful moment to reflect on where your food came from, who was involved and the effort it took to make it to your plate. Adding a dash of gratitude into the meal can be a nice seasoning.

And I would add a dash of gratitude for learning how to prepare a good meal...a really flavorful meal...every thing tastes vibrant to me since I started to really cook. It is amazing! I even enjoy leftovers...like this beautiful chicken soup with lentle, barley, leeks, squash and zucchini.  Some how with the preparation of food I meditate and clear the crap that rattles around my head from other peoples noise. I find a connection that is deeper with WGB...in this really great life I have with him. It is the simple rituals of life that are the sweetest.