The Gypsy on Adventure

Missing you ... still

A memory popped up today in facebook, from 2013, so I thought I would re-share here.

In this photo grandma is dressed up and in her favorite color...this was on my birthday in 1970...my lifelong love of collecting dolls...

Today is my day for reflection that I take every year. To honor the woman who raised me in all her flaws, she loved me, gave me the courage to be myself, odd and arty. She was a powerhouse of 4'11, wore whatever the hell she wanted and loved her high heel shoes all in size 4!!! Styling and silly...old and child-like.

 

Then I read this article today...just confirmed all the reasons why I take the time every year to reflect and ask myself that question..."Am I connecting with people?" "Do people KNOW that I love them?" Because conventional success has never been in the cards for me...but loving people has!

 

When I started out as a young adult I felt broken, I felt like I had no power to change my life, and then something clicked...I began to fight back and take responsibility for myself, and forgive those that harmed me. I let them go, I kicked them out of my head and gave myself permission to live. I had that right. And then slowly began to believe that not everyone was going to harm me. That was HUGE...trust from me is HUGE...

 

Since that decision to trust people, I have been SO lucky to have so many people in my life that inspire me, that I am loyal to, that make my heart soar for the things they are capable of doing. For the depth of commitment, I see in them. The brave, the weak, the strong...those that put their lives on the line for others every single day they walk into work...those that have such deep compassion for people I am left feeling like I do nothing.

 

I have been so blessed knowing so many people because I was able to get over myself...the fear of abandonment for so many years of my early life held my heart hostage...If you knew me then you would recognize I couldn't even hug people for fear of rejection and the anger that had taken over my youth. When someone is harmed over and over and over, they lose trust in people...in their own judgment.

 

But as I grew up...worked out the demons, my heart became broken open in a good way...and yup I cry when I am moved, you would have never seen a tear on my face before, I hug, I hug the stuffing out of people I love... I TELL people what they mean to me and that I love them! I tell them when I am proud of them...and I keep slaying those dragons in my head that pop up now and again that tell me I am less than you...all stemming from childhood abuse... I am no longer a child... But I hope to remain child-like, I am in awe of the world, I have a power I never did as a child...I have the ability to see that your pain can cause you to lash out at me and that it is your issue not mine.

 

I won't allow myself to be closed off again...so today when I read this article about "Are you living your Eulogy or your Resume?" I can say I sure hope people see I am living my Eulogy! That they see the good things in me before they just see the bad, the flaws, the scared little girl hiding behind her big heart... I hope that when you think of me you don't see the flaws, but you feel that I treated you well, that I listened, that I loved you...no regrets for anything that came before, because ALL of those experiences made me who I am....and gave me compassion for others...empathy that allows me to feel for you.

 

Even though my early life was not ideal...I am grateful. Grateful for those I love. Grateful that I found the love of my life and took the chance that it would make me happy. Grateful that for how many years I allowed myself to suffer, that I opened up my heart and made the dangerous decision to choose happy!

 

I am grateful that in all of Grandma Carmen's flaws, being the last child, she raised, she was able to open up her heart and love me...teaching me, even if it took more years than I like to admit, that I can do the same...overcome life obstacles and love. I can stand and know that all my hope is that when you think of me...you find kindness...you find love...and that I made you feel good about yourself and not bad!

 

I am off to celebrate Grandma Carmen and clean up her grave and honor her in the best way I know how...and think about all those friends I have lost over the years...and hold them close in my spirit and say thank you...

 

 

When its hard I keep my gratitude close

Today I was noticing what I thought were shadows on the hills in my view only to realize they are the burn marks from the fire in August. The really dark part of the further ridge is the burn scar in the 2nd photo. Makes me sad. But I am glad that that we have a view back with no smoke and I am seeing clouds! But my brain still cannot fathom that what I am seeing is a scar, I am so used to seeing what my view was. And I miss the house I used to see on the top of one of the ridges.

 

 

 

 

My repotted plant is looking happier. I really need this plant to pull through. I have never grown one of these either so it is a learning curve.

 

 

 

 

 

I think the worst part of the pandemic is how your life can be so mundane, especially being retired there are a lot of the same kind of days passing by. I blink and it is Friday again.  I usually can find the beauty in the mundane parts of my life, but the last 18 months it has been hard, since we are not doing anything out of the house, it just feels like we are losing time and it's a grind.

WGB is SO bored he can barely stand it, and he needs a hobby! He is doing a lot of yard work and stuff around the house, but he is bored. I haven't been as restless but I am getting there after MONTHS of such hot weather every.single.day! I can't go outside and enjoy our yard or neighborhood in the heat. We had 2 days of of cooler weather and we are back in the upper 80s again...gah... I find myself procrastinating with my art a lot. Hoping to turn that around!

I think we just have to remind ourselves that we are making it through a really hard time! Covid has killed 675,722 in the United States and in 1918 the Spanish Flu killed 675,000 (estimated) people in the United States, and we are not even close to getting it under control

I think as we start to cool off we need to go on some manageable hikes since I am SO out of shape since being stuck in the house. And we will start walking our street again, especially if we get a booster vaccine. Unfortunately we have people on our street that HAD Covid and was still walking and trying to come up on WGB near our house while she told him she had Covid! WTF Stay home you idiot and don't come up to us! But this was the reason I haven't felt comfortable walking my street either.

We were talking today about cleaning up my bike and fixing WGB's bike and do some bike riding for exercise before the rain and snow set in and we have some cooler weather. I just know that I have to start moving more and get out of this body funk.

I am out of balance and need to get my center again. I continue to work at my art area to clean it up, and still do my Hobonichi every day but I want to start making a dent in my sketch books. I want to create at least 3-4 pages in my sketch book every day, or at least finish a page as well. I need the practice and out of balance means I haven't been keeping up on my classes and creating art...and I need to do that. I seem to be avoiding the hard things and procrastinating. I hate that. So small steps to get it done. Set some goals and stick to it. Have the discipline to finish and get to where I want to be.

You know when you feel out of balance it doesn't seem like things are going smoothly. Everything becomes cumbersome and I think I just feel like things have piled on. However, all the bumps and bruises of the pandemic dim when we are so happy where we are. The good constant that is getting us through is where we are. Where I found the magic today was in this memory.

I am always filled with awe, filled with gratitude, and I still pinch myself, that we were able to buy our house. It was a bigger dream than I ever dreamed for myself. Four years ago today we put in our offer on this house. I was completely nervous and it was such an unknown I remember not sleeping really well that night.

Good friends of ours let us move in with them after our epic trip in order to find a house...we are still so grateful to them for their love and openness, for letting us stay with them for an exact month! Crazy how things work out!

These were photos we took that day...and every day when we wake up and head out to the kitchen we say to each other we GET to live here! We love living here...it was all in the most perfect timing...we still talk about how everything worked out. Including the Universe taking care of us. We are on the last street with fire hydrants, better internet, a good driveway, a walking street, a view. The ONLY downside was how small it is and I still don't have a studio...it will happen...grateful that all our hard work paid off in this huge way.

Come on, we retired, went on a 5 month trip across the Country and then bought this amazing little house. Dreams come true even if you have to wait until you retire.

What joy and dreams look like

How is your humanity doing?

'Once upon a time there was humanity' Art by Pam Walder

I feel like I am working really hard at keeping my core intact and losing traction. That whole decision I made in 2000, "Be Better, not Bitter", from 2016 through today,  the hard truth of how so many people in our society that were hiding in plain sight, are just nasty, unkind, unloving, refuse to walk in any one else's shoes, makes out full races as "other" and browbeat them with their anger and fear because they are not, or don't look, white. Violence against them when they are weaker than them, I am talking about the murders of black people and about the Asian hate spewed at elderly Asian's beaten in the streets. My heart is wrenching for them and it makes me feel angry and my warrior rears her ugly head!  

I am trying REALLY hard not to judge them harshly, but I have to tell you it is SO painful to hear them talk...and I feel with the hate spewed all over us in the Country since 2016, I really feel shut down and in a full blown PTSD response to them.

I know that people judge the world by who they are at the core. And like Maya Angelou taught us "Believe them the FIRST time they tell us who they are".  Struggling with HOW do we keep lines of communication open when all we hear are vile things against us? Or worse yet, when they ASSUME I think like them and they have NO idea who I am, let alone that I have Mexican roots because I "look" white.  That I am homophobic and not understanding of transgender struggles, not knowing how many family members and friends I have that are LGBTQ. That I have always been an advocate for them. I am still that teenager being called a 'fag-hag' because I had gay friends, and I still don't understand the hate.

People think they can say horrible things and I am supposed to just agree and shut up. I struggle with how to be kind when I am confronted with issues like this, without losing my shit, without being wordless, without being in shock. Why do I always go into shock and just shut down?

I can remember having this conversation with WGB while in Montana 4 years ago and the bane of everything are those damn Mexicans. As I sit there...wondering what the fuck...angry white man...what am I supposed to say to that? WGB thought maybe it was a moment for me to teach them, I said fuck no, and I think part of that was being the ONLY "other" at the table and to hear more foul things come out of their mouths, and quite honestly being a woman doesn't help in that situation either,  I just wasn't in a space to take that on. And then later wondered if I should have anyway...

I have that happen in my own damn family. The side that isn't Mexican...like they totally don't know who the hell I am. Well in honesty, I guess they really don't. I wasn't raised with them, and now I am SO grateful I wasn't. It has been a complicated relationship since I was abandoned at birth.

Even my father has said deplorable things about "Mexican's" and I was like, Dad! You DO KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO RIGHT????? My half brother, shaking my head,  the last text, I was asking him if he got vaccinated yet, (He had covid early on, before Delta) he was in the hospital with a horrible infection in his leg and his response "Got the first round. Mixed feelings about it but too many migrants, hate to do it but not much choice"... so of course it is ALL the "migrants" fault, nothing to do with white people in the South and Midwest REFUSING to follow science. Taking horse de-wormer when they get it and if they survive that then it was the cure! But they want to take credit for getting the vaccine so fast under the last person in the White House but refuse to take the vaccine and take everything but that! I am left shaking my head wondering what the fuck a lot.

Seriously I know of a woman who won't get vaccinated, took the de-wormer, is getting better and every one praying is thankful for that medicine working! SERIOUSLY?

Total vaccinations in the Unite States:

2nd dose administered

166,839,776 (50.3%)

 

1st dose administered

211,776,515 (63.8%)

 

Total population

331,996,199

 

Out of all those people being vaccinated it isn't safe? It is better to take a horse de-wormer? And "their" President got vaccinated...do they refuse to acknowledge that the Liar and Chief did get vaccinated after he left the White House when it was available??? I am confused by their logic. 

WGB and I talk all the time about not understanding people and where they get their information. And we know that even some of the information we get is skewed but I find it really hard to believe that intelligent people follow such harmful information.

I see people asking on social media if anyone they personally know has died of Covid, are you kidding me? Yes, 4 of my friends died... How many people have to die for them to KNOW it is a serious situation. Over 600,000 people who died in the United States is not enough for you to get vaccinated? Masks are for protection not for political bullshit.  But every where we go, so many people are unmasked! Like we are not in a pandemic! That 2,544 children hospitalized currently nationwide. They don't have a vaccine and I am terrified for my 6 year old grand who is sweet and reliant on the adults around her!

• The unvaccinated are 5x likely to get an infection
• 10X likely to be hospitalized 
• 11x likely to DIE

And they are angry that our current President is making an unpopular and needed decision to mandate vaccinations?

• 17 Million health care workers
• 4 Million Federal Government employees and contractors

I cannot even imagine a health care worker NOT getting vaccinated seeing what is happening, but I know some are. With people refusing to do the simplest things to get back to normal life, I understand the stance that is being taken by the administration! We cured Polio! Everyone stood in line for vaccinations! 

The Re-call of our Governor Gavin Newsome...this has been stressful for me. I am not a huge fan of Gavin, but in all honesty I stand by the decisions he made with this pandemic.  70.6% of California's population is vaccinated that is 39,283, 497 people! Was it great everything was shut down? No. Was it necessary, yes! Is it a hard restart, yes! Shit is not easy ever, but trying to do the right thing should be the number one thing we are actively doing. Honestly WGB and I think we are the only weird ones still doing everything we are supposed to.

Yesterday I just posted on FB that "You still have time to go vote until 8 pm" and I received a comment from someone that doesn't know me in real life, "You tried", I raised my eyebrow and thought about what I was going to write about on this post...assuming I wanted to throw Gavin out and have a trumper take his place. No thank you, I have had enough of that since 2016. 

Honestly now I don't feel safe going out and doing the things I want to because people are still refusing to get a vaccine or wear masks in public. I have no thyroid, I am vaccinated but I don't want to get sick. I am trying to reengage, but I am struggling with trust issues. I am struggling...and I am starting to get angry that people didn't do things they should be doing, and that is why I am still in lock down. People are still dying and being hospitalized at rates that we haven't seen in 7 months and people are still refusing to believe! I am angry now. I am sad. I am wanting my life back too...but I am not willing to run around where there are a lot of people not wearing masks and how do I know if they were vaccinated? If you are sick around me 99% of the time I get it. I have since both my thyroids were removed when I was 23 years old. I struggle with all the effects of not having them, I don't need to add anything to the struggle.

 

Memories don't fade

This is a hard time of year to be on social media or to watch any TV.  It started this week...the 20th Anniversary of 9/11. Every single year the going over of the horrendous day for the Country. The visual images on repeat. The collective pain. It is all too much for me, and I don't know how people who lost loved ones get through the day. Especially those that still to this day have not been able to "find" their loved one in the wreckage. No closure.

I won't be on socials tomorrow, I won't be watching the news. With the shit show that has been 2020-21 I just can't carry more pain, even old pain right now. It is just too much.

And yet, there are children and young people that have no idea what 9/11 was like. That to me is unfathomable. But I suppose that is how my grand parents felt about Pearl Harbor. But they always gave me a sense of what had happened. I paid attention. I listened. I learned. I hope for those coming behind us that they won't carry the deep pain, but will remember incident and what it means to our history and still to our future.

I was in the shower that morning when my boyfriend yelled at me to get out and come watch this, I knew from the sound of his voice it was bad, I didn't know how bad...the first tower was hit, and I saw the 2nd plane hit the 2nd tower. We both stood there in shock, I was shaking from being in a towel and wet and in horror. I was numb getting ready for work and don't even remember how I was able to drive there.

I remember going to work and telling my boss we should lock up because it was an act of war. He looked at me like I was crazy. I locked the door to our office...and a couple of hours later the City Manager contacted Department Heads to lock the City Buildings down, so then the entire building was on lock down and he was in the lobby to ask people coming in what their business was for that day. It was unnerving, and I don't think many of us got our work done with much cognition, we were all in shock and grief, and comforting one another.

It is not that I will not remember tomorrow. It is that I have to protect myself right now, I am too tender to bear it right now...the world is too heavy, we are no longer together as a Nation, we have been polarized since the 2016 election...getting worse every single year. And yet part of our problems came from the Patriot Act that George Bush Jr put through, Afghanistan that October and a 20 year war...and now having the region unstable again.

It is a layered grief...and still a layered fear of terrorism. Because it can happen again.

These photos are on the New Jersey side and the memorial of 9/11 from there facing New York and the new building replacing the 2 towers. And as we both stood there in silence, our memories went right back to the very day that it had happened. All I can tell you is, WGB and I both felt we were on sacred ground, all the feelings, the memories and just sending love to those families who lost someone on that day. Truly it is a moving memorial as you walk through slowly taking in everyone name and seeing the New York coast line as you walk out. It took my breathe away.

Wisdom

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough, and we'll be more content when they are.

After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our partner gets his or her act together when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

A quote comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink.... there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

Copyright © 1997 Crystal Boyd

Artwork: Sarah Treanor 

I am so grateful that I was finally brave enough in 2000, to completely change my life. I stopped being afraid of being "happy" and I jumped in with both feet. I have no regrets! I spent way too many years unhappy and trying hard to change what simply was. I accepted the fact I could ONLY change myself, and I did! I have a man who loves me so deeply, it still scares the shit out of me, and I love him with everything that is in my being! We make each other better, stronger, and unconditional.

We finished our years working and retired together. We changed our lives again by going on a 5 month road trip to see the U.S. And found we really only wanted to live in California, and moved to the foothills of Sierra Nevada Mountains...we bought our first house. We say to each other every day "WE get to live here!" We make improvements when we can, and make it feel like our own. Little things add up, after all, it is the small things in life that bring such joy.

 

Back for more...

I wasn't ready for the 2 hour drive but we did it again, drove back to the pottery place, our mini meyer lemon tree and orange tree need to be repotted and fertilized. So we decided to get two more pots.

We were able to get the pots, hard decision on color, we went with Red to match our house Trim.  They are beautiful pots, but they didn't have the right color for the pans that go under them, the pottery place is low on all of their items (you couldn't tell that) but they have been waiting for several containers of the pots and the water catchers for months, she thinks she will have them in some time in July. For now we have plastic ones we can use. 

Our tree's are looking a little stressed, they need to be fed and replanted. I think they get too hot on the deck with full Summer sun, so we need to put them under the eves or on the side of the house where they can get some shade in the afternoon. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I kept dreaming of the Durpy Zen Frog and ended up buying him! I LURVE him! He is quite big and heavy...for now just near the roses. 

Garden time

We have a really nice home and I am grateful for it, and a little at a time we try to improve it. We have been updating our garden. I bought a yellow rose in memoriam for Crackers, and it starts out super yellow and then gets pale. We wanted to get a pot like we had for our orange rose, and nothing was affordable near us. 

We drove to Vacaville to the pottery place we saw off of Highway 80 some time ago, and it is huge and filled with pots and garden art! 

 

 

 

 

 

We couldn't find one that matched that other rose we have but we got one that was dark blue with some green. They also had a metal flower that I really liked so we bought that too! Some times you just need a little adventure...we had spent most of 2020 in lockdown and although it feels weird to be out...we are starting to again.

Solar

We had a rep come out from a solar company to discuss our needs for this house. Recommendations were where WGB thought they should be. I like the fact that they are a worker-owned cooperative and do living wages, it may be a little more expensive but it aligns with our beliefs.

Also, April is Earth Month and the Company recently became the first certified B Corporation in our County. Certified B Corporations are businesses that meet the highest standards of verified social and environmental performance, public transparency, and legal accountability to balance profit and purpose. B Corps are accelerating a global culture shift to redefine success in business and build a more inclusive, equitable and sustainable economy.

The next step is to have the engineer come out to do an inspection and then we are placed on the waiting list for the work to be done. 

I am getting really excited about this!

Rut Ro

Time to start saving...they found the issues with my AC in the car and it is not good, in fact, I am disappointed in my old mechanic that replaced all these things that need to be replaced AGAIN in less than 5 years...

I am looking at another $1,800.00 to get it all right. So I asked them to fill it with the cold stuff again and button her up until I can get it all replaced. So most likely by the end of Summer this will be done...I was shocked when they told me what it was, because I had all that done 4 years ago!!! And this is the 3rd year it won't hold cold, which tells me my old mechanic did not do a great job! VERY disappointed. 

Caught it in Spring!

Well in February, I did a major maintenance on my car, it is a 2000 Monte Carlo, and only has 55,000 miles on it. So it is so worth making sure it is running right. We even put new tires on her and she runs smoothly. 

Friday we noticed that the AC went out AGAIN. This is the 3rd time...usually every Summer it dies on me. It must be a leak some where. I wasn't expecting to take it back into the dealer so soon, but I would rather address the issue before it gets hot! So today she is back at the dealer to figure out my AC. YAY before Summer heat this time! I really hope they can find the leak and stop it, at the very least they will put it all to right again and not have to worry this Summer!