The Gypsy on Adventure

Blerg

Beautiful crisp Fall day in Mountain View! Vernon and I got dressed and took the G-boy out for a much needed walk outside, we have all been too cooped up! And G-boy is crabby! 

You know what?  I love WGB! he just took off with G-boy! When we got back from out walk WGB decided to take the G-Boy to the Exploratorium!

It has to be very hard for him! First off WGB does not talk or deal well about death... And the person being mourned by my kids is my Ex. It has been filling up our living space...but we are ok with that...it is just hard! I just love how much he loves and respects me. He anticipates needs and just takes off with G-boy as he said for ADVENTURE!!!

The kid has been cooped up so much he needs to see and experience something joyful! 

They are off to the Exploratorium in SF.

Then Vernon and Desi took off...WTF? So now I am alone for awhile...reflecting...

November is mine field of emotional land mines for me and now it has gotten even worse! First off, my ex died on the 15th, his autopsy was performed on the 18th which was our first date anniversary. Then he was cremated on his birthday the 22nd and today would have been our wedding anniversary...it is all just too much. I am glad we are not doing the spreading of his ashes in November...its all just too much!

Coping through a tremendous amount of pain...

This has had to be one of the worst days of my life.
I am drained, tired and exhausted. 
Now for my kids, let the healing begin.

We were lucky I found Holiday Inn Express - Jackson California to stay in, I explained what we were coming there for, and they allowed us in our rooms early to try to gather our stregth for having to view my ex-husband.  They were VERY kind to us. It was clean, and smelled good, no cigarette smells in the rooms. Large enough disabled room for my daughter and bathtub that was safe for her. My daughter and g-boy in one room down the end of the hall so she could have access to outside for her smoking and me a couple of doors down, where my son and his girl would stay with me as well.  We were able to reflect and meet up with my son before going to the Mortuary.

This was THE most horrific thing I have ever had to force myself to do in my entire life, and if you knew what I have lived through, that is really saying something. I never expected to have to walk my kids through the process of dealing with a parents death. Nor dealing with my ex-husbands death. His family has refused to view the body with the kids, and anyone who knows me knows how I will go to the ends of the earth for my kids and stand by them in thick and thin...and this is part of my responsiblity as a parent to them. Some may not understand why I am doing this, but they don't know my heart.

We had about an hour and half of just dealing with the business of death...the arrangements before we could view the body, and it was looming over us, my daughter broke at one point...her anger comes out when she is overwhelmed.

Once we were there my daughter started crying and telling me she couldn't do it without me, that it was the last time we would be together as a family...how to you break your childs heart by reminding them you haven't been a family in over 13 years .... I put on my big girl panties and went in with my kids. I really was not prepared to view him. I thought I would be there for my kids to go in...and a rush of emotions hit me right in the chest when I walked in.

My daughter had insisted that her 8 year old son be able to view him the whole time, and finally she agreed SHE would see him first and then decide. My son's girlfriend stayed with him in the front of the mortuary where there was a beautiful room with a fire going.  My daughter was so upset when she saw her father that she couldn't make the decision and asked me, I made the decision to spare him of having nightmares the rest of his life. AND I will stand on that decision for as long as I live.

So many conflicting emotions. He looked so far removed from the man I loved, really the boy I fell in love with...I was very young...we were 15...what do you know when you are 15?  Anyway, he looked like the choices he had made and it broke my heart. My son, brought clothes for the undertaker to put him in, he was dressed, cleaned up and the man took care to wrap a gauze bandage on the worst part, my daughter brought her favorite bandana and he placed it over his head, covering the injury. He had his leather jacket on and his cane and leather hat were on his chest. One hand was out because my kids wanted to hold his hand.

My heart broke. On many levels. He really didn't treat me very well while we were married and we were married for 20 years, together for 24. And only while being able to see the past of the whole life can it break your heart that he was never able to make better choices. The potential he had was so great, but instead he ended up like this...

All of his bad choices laying directly in front of me...his death the direct result of a decision to go out to a bar, drink, sing and then get in his car to drive  home and speed on a mountain road while he was drunk, and not turn with the road. Honestly, I just thank the universe that he didn't hurt anyone else in his car crash...that we don't have to deal with another family grieving and being angry with him. He knew better...he is responsible for this outcome...and I am angry he made that choice...that he is putting my children and I through this...and the reprocussions of the hard days coming our way.

The disappointment and anger I still have of his family. His mother and closest sister refused to see him with us. That just brings up so much anger in me. The woman who bore him, abused him, tormented him, dangled a promise of I will love you IF, refused to see him ... The sister that went through hell and back like they were thick as thieves refused to see him. There I stood with my children...in an empty room...saying the final good-bye and struggling to forgive it all for the last time in person. I am rendered without words to convey the contempt I feel for his family that got between us while we were together and fought me every step of the journey. NEVER there for the hard...

I was proud of my son's girlfriend. She was there, she stood by my son and his family. She walked in after our time with my son, and said goodbye. She is a keeper. She is a person who has substance and I adore her more now.

After all of that we went to Mel's diner and finally ate something...we were all drained and emotional...and needed food...and some laughs. Passing down to the next generation the nose and spoon trick! And I really lusted after that Betty!

 

 

We are the Goonies Family!

I haven't had a family photo with my kids since they were little! I was so excited that we were able to get them and have them taken at Shoreline Park, and the Rengstorff House. I used to party in that house when I was a kid, and before it was fixed back up to its beauty...this place has powerful meaning to me.

I have been wanting to do this so here some are! Desi and G-boy are out for a visit so I pounced!

 

     

I really love how they turned out! 

Link to Photographer!

Feeling really sad today, I miss my kids and my G-boy! I wish they were here celebrating like we did two years ago! Even Kat was alive and it was a perfect day! 

     
     

So being sad is ok as long as I can have these great memories...just wish they were home! 

Prep work

Well, I must say I am glad I only have one G-kid because I spent way too much money for the Christmas holiday!  Today I prepped the gifts to send to G-boy since my daughter moved him so far from ome! Damn it!  So I got his stocking together and wrapped their gifts packed them up and WGB and I went to Fed Ex to ship them off...here are some of the stocking stuffers I found at Cost Plus! OLD fashioned fun!

Transitions and change is not a comfortable process for any one and I know for me, I don't do well with change. I think when you life as a child is hectic, unsure, chaotic and explosive, it makes you very nervous about change.

Then there are the dreams of your life that you have. What you want to happen, and how you view your life and how you want it to be. Engulfed in the shame and craziness of the reality of what was and how it marks your life. The insecurity it brings in your spirit. And never feeling "good enough".

I guess because I didn't dare to dream of having a grandchild in my life before, because my daughter and I didn't have a relationship, I didn't see myself with that joy in my life. I had conflict with my daughter and never thought I would ever meet my grandson.

Of course I am not going to go into all the painful details here, but there was a huge struggle in my heart, soul, and spirit...and I have been conflicted for years about this. I refused to dream the dream as long as my mother was alive...because her as a wild card was not an option.

Then one sentence my daughter wrote me in some long emails, gave me that ah-ha moment. Part of that was the realization of the influence my grandmother who raised me had on my life, and then the memory of not feeling like an alien when I was in my 30s meeting my dad's mom. My genetics, my DNA was flowing out of me my entire life from his side, only a product of divorce I never saw that part and didn't know where it came from. I could at least pass on the history of our DNA.

I hate the problems my family has. I know that every one has family problems, but sinde I don't experience your truth, I only experience my own. And some times that isolates me and frustrates me, because I then skew the way I look at the world and the pain I experience.

I can't see one thing without the weight of the entire history of my life on my back. It makes me crazy, things are viewed through those glasses and I want to take them off! Fuck it, change it! Think differently. But its hard! Crazy hard. And the sadness, grief and feeling of despair is heavy.

The reality of what I am feeling is some thing that I didn't think I would ever feel. I think it is regret. And I don't like this feeling. But there is nothing in my life I can change. You can't go back and be born in another family! snort hell, it might even be worse! snort

All I can do is pick myself up and continue to make the changes I need to make for me, and continue to work through the pain. The hard part is remaining OPEN...not to close my heart off. Not to allow the walls to come back up and make me more isolated from other people. Fear...fear of getting hurt...letting it go...remaining soft and viable.

One of the huge reasons I finally left my husband after 20 odd years, was because I decided I did NOT want to be bitter. I wanted to be a happy old woman, not one filled with ugly wrinkles of bitterness.

Forgiveness comes when you give up the hope that you can change the past! -Ophra

Going back to regret. I see now that I have been wallowing in regret. In many ways, I just didn't know that this is what regret feels like. And I have to find a way to realize in my bones that there is nothing I can do to fix the past...embrace the what it was as and be in the moment of today.

Rejected people seek approval.

In that, the expectation of success. I should have had my own house that I own, lots of money in the bank, a new car, and spotless beautiful home, a fancy degree, living your passion. None of that is my reality and for a long time it has been gnawing at me that I am unsuccessful. Its all bullshit. Houses and things don't make you a success...but when your relationships seem to fail or connect you feel a lack of success more keenly. I just don't feel I have accomplished much in this one life of mine. And I guess that is the feeling of regret I am experiencing. I feel like I am standing still while others all around me are soaring.

Bleh...yesterday was the last time I will see my g-boy, apparently my daughter is moving to Tx...and since we had yet another falling out in February and haven't seen them yesterday was hard on me. Trying not to feel my emotions...but I wasn't as present as I could have been with him, for fear of crying and making it even worse. bleh...I hate this.

A short 2 hours to just be with him was agony...we had lunch, watched a couple of cartoons and took him to the park and the time was up. Over. I am left with feeling empty and betrayed. I was sorry I opened my heart up. But I am sure I will work through it and heal and not be sorry I opened my heart later. I made an activity bag for him, and I hope he thinks of me...and loves me. I sure do him. I even made him a little scrap book for the road.

Back to School or Torture the Child?

So G-boy starts Kindergarten this year, and G-ma wanted to buy him some clothes. We brought him a REALLY cool desk that WGB found for him (as he tells me HE doesn't have any G-boys! wink wink) and G-boy had woken up on the wrong side of the bed. sigh. But he was sporting a new hair cut...BUZZZZZZZZZ

Seems his mom just buys him clothes and if they fit they fit...me I tortured the kid by making him try on the pants and shirts! LOL Especially since the size they thought he was, was not his pants size, he is small. While I tried to encourage him that his uncle Vernon who he adores, does this and has shirts and pants like that too! That it was cool...he had a pout session and learned quickly that drama doesn't phase G-ma and G-ma seems to get her way because she is old and stubborn and has the check book! LOL Plus I was going to take photos of him doing this and he got REALLY upset...he wanted NO DOCUMENTATION that he was having a melt down in the dressing room! (I was giggling under my breath) Oh and did I mention the trying ON of shoes? the world was going to end! Snort Well after all was said and done, 2 new nice pants, 3 dress shirts, 6 casual shirts, 12 socks, 6 underware, 6 undershirts and a pair of shoes! G-ma was POOPED!

After the torture the child episode we went to Staples and we forget HOW LITERAL children can be. We pulled up and the WGB said "Ok were here to Staple you!" as a joke...G-boy thought he was SERIOUS...so I guess we were back to the torture the child thing! Snort

So after that step in the shit moment, we took him to a nice lunch at Claim Jumpers! That at least turned out to be ok, he at least enjoyed that experience and had his drawing item, they gave him coloring books and crayons so all things were good. I had a pomegranet sangria that was HUGE and forgot the bad stuff of the day! snort!

So the biggest hit of the day WAS his desk...

A little visit

Today the G-boy came to visit...we went to the park and had some fun...had some Chinese food for lunch with Desi and G-boy does not like to try new things, but he did try some today...of course there was some Wii time...

I am a little concerned since when Desi showed up she was using a cane. She is having a hard time, and we still don't know if it is MS or not...

While she was here I tried to finish a scarf, but couldn't find the 2nd skein I had...here is Orange Flame scarf...it worked up fast...half done.

Happy 4th!

I spent the morning sitting on my patio in the back yard with the pool filled and ready for the Gboy to swim w/Gma! BBQ is getting ready! It's a 4th celebration! Crackers is enjoying the shade! All is right with the world when you get to spend the holiday with the man you love, your kids, grand-kids and good food...even the fur and feather babies are happy.

It's the FIRST year in AGES that I have spent it with people I love. Most years WGB is at his families place in Montana and I am home alone...so this year all my kids and his kids are here! Awesome BBQ, pool time, little kid fire works...It makes me happy. We even watched a movie together, not much grumping except for the G-boy being ants LOL, we saw The Lightening Thief. I thought it was pretty good! I hope the G-boy doesn't have nightmares! Then off to see the fireworks around the corner!

Hope your fourth was great!

G-boy time!

Ah, its the first time (of many I am sure) that WGB and I took off alone with the G-boy! It was LE day at Gilroy Gardens, so it was PERFECT for him! all those wonderful rides just his size! FUN He wore me out!

I walked over 8,000 steps...when we were leaving he said "Can I go to YOUR  house to relax and watch a movie??" hahahahaha how could I resist???  So after dinner at Applebee's where he freaked out the waiter because he wanted broccoli, we went back to my house to watch The Princess and the Frog and to surprise him with the gifts I bought him at Gilroy Gardens! Hee hee hee what a really fun day!

I love this borrow a boy and get to send him home! LOL I am LOVING this part of my life! We had a great great time...even though we freaked out his mom, because we were having such a great time I didn't check my phone and she was a little paniced! LOL The shoe being on the other foot is HYSTERICAL!

   
 
 
 I love smelly little boys who giggle and act silly with their G-ma's!