The Gypsy on Adventure

Happy Birth Day

“All my big mistakes are when I try to second-guess or please an audience. My work is always stronger when I get very selfish about it.” – David Bowie

Yes, David Bowie and Elvis Presley were both born on January 8th, although they were born 12 years apart. Elvis was born on January 8, 1935, while Bowie was born on January 8, 1947.

The irony of my bio-mother LOVING Elvis and being a fanatic, and the fact that I LOVE David Bowie, and fell hard for him when I was 12 years old that has lasted my entire life, does not go unnoticed by me! I find it fascinating that they were born on the same day!

Gratitude

I am almost done with digging myself out of debt. When my brother Steve died in December 2018, I spiraled. I have been learning so much about my trauma responses since his death and really examining my reactions and when it happens.

The HP gaming laptop I bought 6 years ago when we moved, has been doing a slow dance of death, and I have been wanting to get a new one and upgrade a bit. Here is where my gratitude comes in, WGB on a black Friday sale bought me the computer I wanted. It came last night...and today was the first time I was able to really try it out. It is SO much easier to change laptops now...everything was brought over including my Word, and Excel software! That was so sweet! Easy to find everything I needed.

Grateful for WGB and Sales!

HP - Victus 15.6" Gaming Laptop and it screaming fast!

Missing you ... still

A memory popped up today in facebook, from 2013, so I thought I would re-share here.

In this photo grandma is dressed up and in her favorite color...this was on my birthday in 1970...my lifelong love of collecting dolls...

Today is my day for reflection that I take every year. To honor the woman who raised me in all her flaws, she loved me, gave me the courage to be myself, odd and arty. She was a powerhouse of 4'11, wore whatever the hell she wanted and loved her high heel shoes all in size 4!!! Styling and silly...old and child-like.

 

Then I read this article today...just confirmed all the reasons why I take the time every year to reflect and ask myself that question..."Am I connecting with people?" "Do people KNOW that I love them?" Because conventional success has never been in the cards for me...but loving people has!

 

When I started out as a young adult I felt broken, I felt like I had no power to change my life, and then something clicked...I began to fight back and take responsibility for myself, and forgive those that harmed me. I let them go, I kicked them out of my head and gave myself permission to live. I had that right. And then slowly began to believe that not everyone was going to harm me. That was HUGE...trust from me is HUGE...

 

Since that decision to trust people, I have been SO lucky to have so many people in my life that inspire me, that I am loyal to, that make my heart soar for the things they are capable of doing. For the depth of commitment, I see in them. The brave, the weak, the strong...those that put their lives on the line for others every single day they walk into work...those that have such deep compassion for people I am left feeling like I do nothing.

 

I have been so blessed knowing so many people because I was able to get over myself...the fear of abandonment for so many years of my early life held my heart hostage...If you knew me then you would recognize I couldn't even hug people for fear of rejection and the anger that had taken over my youth. When someone is harmed over and over and over, they lose trust in people...in their own judgment.

 

But as I grew up...worked out the demons, my heart became broken open in a good way...and yup I cry when I am moved, you would have never seen a tear on my face before, I hug, I hug the stuffing out of people I love... I TELL people what they mean to me and that I love them! I tell them when I am proud of them...and I keep slaying those dragons in my head that pop up now and again that tell me I am less than you...all stemming from childhood abuse... I am no longer a child... But I hope to remain child-like, I am in awe of the world, I have a power I never did as a child...I have the ability to see that your pain can cause you to lash out at me and that it is your issue not mine.

 

I won't allow myself to be closed off again...so today when I read this article about "Are you living your Eulogy or your Resume?" I can say I sure hope people see I am living my Eulogy! That they see the good things in me before they just see the bad, the flaws, the scared little girl hiding behind her big heart... I hope that when you think of me you don't see the flaws, but you feel that I treated you well, that I listened, that I loved you...no regrets for anything that came before, because ALL of those experiences made me who I am....and gave me compassion for others...empathy that allows me to feel for you.

 

Even though my early life was not ideal...I am grateful. Grateful for those I love. Grateful that I found the love of my life and took the chance that it would make me happy. Grateful that for how many years I allowed myself to suffer, that I opened up my heart and made the dangerous decision to choose happy!

 

I am grateful that in all of Grandma Carmen's flaws, being the last child, she raised, she was able to open up her heart and love me...teaching me, even if it took more years than I like to admit, that I can do the same...overcome life obstacles and love. I can stand and know that all my hope is that when you think of me...you find kindness...you find love...and that I made you feel good about yourself and not bad!

 

I am off to celebrate Grandma Carmen and clean up her grave and honor her in the best way I know how...and think about all those friends I have lost over the years...and hold them close in my spirit and say thank you...

 

 

When its hard I keep my gratitude close

Today I was noticing what I thought were shadows on the hills in my view only to realize they are the burn marks from the fire in August. The really dark part of the further ridge is the burn scar in the 2nd photo. Makes me sad. But I am glad that that we have a view back with no smoke and I am seeing clouds! But my brain still cannot fathom that what I am seeing is a scar, I am so used to seeing what my view was. And I miss the house I used to see on the top of one of the ridges.

 

 

 

 

My repotted plant is looking happier. I really need this plant to pull through. I have never grown one of these either so it is a learning curve.

 

 

 

 

 

I think the worst part of the pandemic is how your life can be so mundane, especially being retired there are a lot of the same kind of days passing by. I blink and it is Friday again.  I usually can find the beauty in the mundane parts of my life, but the last 18 months it has been hard, since we are not doing anything out of the house, it just feels like we are losing time and it's a grind.

WGB is SO bored he can barely stand it, and he needs a hobby! He is doing a lot of yard work and stuff around the house, but he is bored. I haven't been as restless but I am getting there after MONTHS of such hot weather every.single.day! I can't go outside and enjoy our yard or neighborhood in the heat. We had 2 days of of cooler weather and we are back in the upper 80s again...gah... I find myself procrastinating with my art a lot. Hoping to turn that around!

I think we just have to remind ourselves that we are making it through a really hard time! Covid has killed 675,722 in the United States and in 1918 the Spanish Flu killed 675,000 (estimated) people in the United States, and we are not even close to getting it under control

I think as we start to cool off we need to go on some manageable hikes since I am SO out of shape since being stuck in the house. And we will start walking our street again, especially if we get a booster vaccine. Unfortunately we have people on our street that HAD Covid and was still walking and trying to come up on WGB near our house while she told him she had Covid! WTF Stay home you idiot and don't come up to us! But this was the reason I haven't felt comfortable walking my street either.

We were talking today about cleaning up my bike and fixing WGB's bike and do some bike riding for exercise before the rain and snow set in and we have some cooler weather. I just know that I have to start moving more and get out of this body funk.

I am out of balance and need to get my center again. I continue to work at my art area to clean it up, and still do my Hobonichi every day but I want to start making a dent in my sketch books. I want to create at least 3-4 pages in my sketch book every day, or at least finish a page as well. I need the practice and out of balance means I haven't been keeping up on my classes and creating art...and I need to do that. I seem to be avoiding the hard things and procrastinating. I hate that. So small steps to get it done. Set some goals and stick to it. Have the discipline to finish and get to where I want to be.

You know when you feel out of balance it doesn't seem like things are going smoothly. Everything becomes cumbersome and I think I just feel like things have piled on. However, all the bumps and bruises of the pandemic dim when we are so happy where we are. The good constant that is getting us through is where we are. Where I found the magic today was in this memory.

I am always filled with awe, filled with gratitude, and I still pinch myself, that we were able to buy our house. It was a bigger dream than I ever dreamed for myself. Four years ago today we put in our offer on this house. I was completely nervous and it was such an unknown I remember not sleeping really well that night.

Good friends of ours let us move in with them after our epic trip in order to find a house...we are still so grateful to them for their love and openness, for letting us stay with them for an exact month! Crazy how things work out!

These were photos we took that day...and every day when we wake up and head out to the kitchen we say to each other we GET to live here! We love living here...it was all in the most perfect timing...we still talk about how everything worked out. Including the Universe taking care of us. We are on the last street with fire hydrants, better internet, a good driveway, a walking street, a view. The ONLY downside was how small it is and I still don't have a studio...it will happen...grateful that all our hard work paid off in this huge way.

Come on, we retired, went on a 5 month trip across the Country and then bought this amazing little house. Dreams come true even if you have to wait until you retire.

What joy and dreams look like

How is your humanity doing?

'Once upon a time there was humanity' Art by Pam Walder

I feel like I am working really hard at keeping my core intact and losing traction. That whole decision I made in 2000, "Be Better, not Bitter", from 2016 through today,  the hard truth of how so many people in our society that were hiding in plain sight, are just nasty, unkind, unloving, refuse to walk in any one else's shoes, makes out full races as "other" and browbeat them with their anger and fear because they are not, or don't look, white. Violence against them when they are weaker than them, I am talking about the murders of black people and about the Asian hate spewed at elderly Asian's beaten in the streets. My heart is wrenching for them and it makes me feel angry and my warrior rears her ugly head!  

I am trying REALLY hard not to judge them harshly, but I have to tell you it is SO painful to hear them talk...and I feel with the hate spewed all over us in the Country since 2016, I really feel shut down and in a full blown PTSD response to them.

I know that people judge the world by who they are at the core. And like Maya Angelou taught us "Believe them the FIRST time they tell us who they are".  Struggling with HOW do we keep lines of communication open when all we hear are vile things against us? Or worse yet, when they ASSUME I think like them and they have NO idea who I am, let alone that I have Mexican roots because I "look" white.  That I am homophobic and not understanding of transgender struggles, not knowing how many family members and friends I have that are LGBTQ. That I have always been an advocate for them. I am still that teenager being called a 'fag-hag' because I had gay friends, and I still don't understand the hate.

People think they can say horrible things and I am supposed to just agree and shut up. I struggle with how to be kind when I am confronted with issues like this, without losing my shit, without being wordless, without being in shock. Why do I always go into shock and just shut down?

I can remember having this conversation with WGB while in Montana 4 years ago and the bane of everything are those damn Mexicans. As I sit there...wondering what the fuck...angry white man...what am I supposed to say to that? WGB thought maybe it was a moment for me to teach them, I said fuck no, and I think part of that was being the ONLY "other" at the table and to hear more foul things come out of their mouths, and quite honestly being a woman doesn't help in that situation either,  I just wasn't in a space to take that on. And then later wondered if I should have anyway...

I have that happen in my own damn family. The side that isn't Mexican...like they totally don't know who the hell I am. Well in honesty, I guess they really don't. I wasn't raised with them, and now I am SO grateful I wasn't. It has been a complicated relationship since I was abandoned at birth.

Even my father has said deplorable things about "Mexican's" and I was like, Dad! You DO KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO RIGHT????? My half brother, shaking my head,  the last text, I was asking him if he got vaccinated yet, (He had covid early on, before Delta) he was in the hospital with a horrible infection in his leg and his response "Got the first round. Mixed feelings about it but too many migrants, hate to do it but not much choice"... so of course it is ALL the "migrants" fault, nothing to do with white people in the South and Midwest REFUSING to follow science. Taking horse de-wormer when they get it and if they survive that then it was the cure! But they want to take credit for getting the vaccine so fast under the last person in the White House but refuse to take the vaccine and take everything but that! I am left shaking my head wondering what the fuck a lot.

Seriously I know of a woman who won't get vaccinated, took the de-wormer, is getting better and every one praying is thankful for that medicine working! SERIOUSLY?

Total vaccinations in the Unite States:

2nd dose administered

166,839,776 (50.3%)

 

1st dose administered

211,776,515 (63.8%)

 

Total population

331,996,199

 

Out of all those people being vaccinated it isn't safe? It is better to take a horse de-wormer? And "their" President got vaccinated...do they refuse to acknowledge that the Liar and Chief did get vaccinated after he left the White House when it was available??? I am confused by their logic. 

WGB and I talk all the time about not understanding people and where they get their information. And we know that even some of the information we get is skewed but I find it really hard to believe that intelligent people follow such harmful information.

I see people asking on social media if anyone they personally know has died of Covid, are you kidding me? Yes, 4 of my friends died... How many people have to die for them to KNOW it is a serious situation. Over 600,000 people who died in the United States is not enough for you to get vaccinated? Masks are for protection not for political bullshit.  But every where we go, so many people are unmasked! Like we are not in a pandemic! That 2,544 children hospitalized currently nationwide. They don't have a vaccine and I am terrified for my 6 year old grand who is sweet and reliant on the adults around her!

• The unvaccinated are 5x likely to get an infection
• 10X likely to be hospitalized 
• 11x likely to DIE

And they are angry that our current President is making an unpopular and needed decision to mandate vaccinations?

• 17 Million health care workers
• 4 Million Federal Government employees and contractors

I cannot even imagine a health care worker NOT getting vaccinated seeing what is happening, but I know some are. With people refusing to do the simplest things to get back to normal life, I understand the stance that is being taken by the administration! We cured Polio! Everyone stood in line for vaccinations! 

The Re-call of our Governor Gavin Newsome...this has been stressful for me. I am not a huge fan of Gavin, but in all honesty I stand by the decisions he made with this pandemic.  70.6% of California's population is vaccinated that is 39,283, 497 people! Was it great everything was shut down? No. Was it necessary, yes! Is it a hard restart, yes! Shit is not easy ever, but trying to do the right thing should be the number one thing we are actively doing. Honestly WGB and I think we are the only weird ones still doing everything we are supposed to.

Yesterday I just posted on FB that "You still have time to go vote until 8 pm" and I received a comment from someone that doesn't know me in real life, "You tried", I raised my eyebrow and thought about what I was going to write about on this post...assuming I wanted to throw Gavin out and have a trumper take his place. No thank you, I have had enough of that since 2016. 

Honestly now I don't feel safe going out and doing the things I want to because people are still refusing to get a vaccine or wear masks in public. I have no thyroid, I am vaccinated but I don't want to get sick. I am trying to reengage, but I am struggling with trust issues. I am struggling...and I am starting to get angry that people didn't do things they should be doing, and that is why I am still in lock down. People are still dying and being hospitalized at rates that we haven't seen in 7 months and people are still refusing to believe! I am angry now. I am sad. I am wanting my life back too...but I am not willing to run around where there are a lot of people not wearing masks and how do I know if they were vaccinated? If you are sick around me 99% of the time I get it. I have since both my thyroids were removed when I was 23 years old. I struggle with all the effects of not having them, I don't need to add anything to the struggle.

 

Memories don't fade

This is a hard time of year to be on social media or to watch any TV.  It started this week...the 20th Anniversary of 9/11. Every single year the going over of the horrendous day for the Country. The visual images on repeat. The collective pain. It is all too much for me, and I don't know how people who lost loved ones get through the day. Especially those that still to this day have not been able to "find" their loved one in the wreckage. No closure.

I won't be on socials tomorrow, I won't be watching the news. With the shit show that has been 2020-21 I just can't carry more pain, even old pain right now. It is just too much.

And yet, there are children and young people that have no idea what 9/11 was like. That to me is unfathomable. But I suppose that is how my grand parents felt about Pearl Harbor. But they always gave me a sense of what had happened. I paid attention. I listened. I learned. I hope for those coming behind us that they won't carry the deep pain, but will remember incident and what it means to our history and still to our future.

I was in the shower that morning when my boyfriend yelled at me to get out and come watch this, I knew from the sound of his voice it was bad, I didn't know how bad...the first tower was hit, and I saw the 2nd plane hit the 2nd tower. We both stood there in shock, I was shaking from being in a towel and wet and in horror. I was numb getting ready for work and don't even remember how I was able to drive there.

I remember going to work and telling my boss we should lock up because it was an act of war. He looked at me like I was crazy. I locked the door to our office...and a couple of hours later the City Manager contacted Department Heads to lock the City Buildings down, so then the entire building was on lock down and he was in the lobby to ask people coming in what their business was for that day. It was unnerving, and I don't think many of us got our work done with much cognition, we were all in shock and grief, and comforting one another.

It is not that I will not remember tomorrow. It is that I have to protect myself right now, I am too tender to bear it right now...the world is too heavy, we are no longer together as a Nation, we have been polarized since the 2016 election...getting worse every single year. And yet part of our problems came from the Patriot Act that George Bush Jr put through, Afghanistan that October and a 20 year war...and now having the region unstable again.

It is a layered grief...and still a layered fear of terrorism. Because it can happen again.

These photos are on the New Jersey side and the memorial of 9/11 from there facing New York and the new building replacing the 2 towers. And as we both stood there in silence, our memories went right back to the very day that it had happened. All I can tell you is, WGB and I both felt we were on sacred ground, all the feelings, the memories and just sending love to those families who lost someone on that day. Truly it is a moving memorial as you walk through slowly taking in everyone name and seeing the New York coast line as you walk out. It took my breathe away.

Annoying Trait

First off  I am  grateful that my boyfriend was able to recover last night while he slept. No issues through the night, just a little grumpy today, but he has a pass. When you don't feel good you can be grumpy!

I can come to your house and organize your studio. I cannot seem to organize my own art space! It is really annoying! I have been working for a few months in art clutter. First my sciatica was a beast and I was able to get pain free for the first time since 2004. But the Universe has a sense of humor and the exercise I was doing on my bed hurt my left shoulder! So constant pain it is! For MONTHS...

(Still have to get an MRI can't find an open, will have to suck up the fear and do a large bore MRI that I have not scheduled to see if I need surgery! THAT is another story involving stupid health care!)

Anyway, I am a paper whore! I LOVE doing collage work in my memory journals. So bags of paper, bins of paper, bowls of paper, stacks of paper. Not being able to move my arm without pain I have let the projects pile up and not clean my area. And now I am annoyed, it has been too long and I can't find shit I need PLUS some of my supplies and journals are still packed and ready to go in case of fire. I am overwhelmed. 

And acrylic paint, watercolor paint (I should be embarrassed by how much watercolor paint I own but I am not because I LOVE it!). Pens! Air tight containers on containers with pens. And don't get me started about my washi collection! OMG I am obsessed with washi! And stickers...that I can't seem to use in my journals...I have to start using them! It is that whole don't use the good stuff in my brain! It is TIME to use them or lose them! So everyday when I do my collage work in my memory journal I am going to use at least 1 sticker! Get it done! 

 

 

So today I have decided to do 15 minutes every day to put things away and organize the papers.  Throw out stuff I don't need and give away other stuff I may not need anymore as well. Today I organized my watercolors in one of my Ikea carts. Some wouldn't fit and are in my travel case and I had room on the bottom shelf to put brushes as well. 

I am in a Halloween class next month and I need to organize the paper for that to be in one place. So I can easily find it and use it when the time comes.

My hall has a couple of cabinet, I organized the top cabinet last month, but the bottom one has to be organized too, so I need to spend 10 minutes a day on putting the things in the bottom cabinet in the boxes and then label everything. Step it out. Then I won't be embarrassed when people come over. My art space is STILL in my living room, so I really want that space cleaned up. At least have the part of the living room for visiting not impacted by my supplies and such like it is right now...every things has spilled over. 

I want my two art tables to be cleaned up from the supplies so I can work the tables without being crowded.  If I can't put my books on the tables it is hard to work! Duh!  

The only area's I have been able to keep up with in the house is the Kitchen, bathrooms and our bedroom, including laundry. My house needs a deep cleaning. Once I get my art space in order, I plan on having a team from a cleaning service come in and do the heavy stuff for me. I vacuum and WGB mops the floors, I refuse to mop since that is how I hurt my back in 2004. I cannot do the floor or bathtub with out hurting myself so it needs a good looking after to.

We are still at 99 degrees today, and I feel like I am melting when I go out. I ended up going to the grocery store today, the highlight of that was seeing a friend there that I haven't seen in a couple of months. I miss her. It was a big haul today since its been too long and everything seemed to be needed to replenish. Can goods, fruit and veggies. Some meats for dinners.  And now I am peopled out...I hate being around that many people with chin guards instead of wearing them as masks, and those walking around like we are not in a pandemic with no mask at all. I am double masked, I wear my N95 and one over it since it has a valve.

I was SO over heated by the time I left I was sweating so bad under the masks. So many shelves still bare, I don't get it, they wouldn't even look for the creamer I needed in back. Many of the paper goods not available. It feels like it did in the beginning of the pandemic. And our cases keep going up. Poke me with a fork I am so done!

I wish we were in a big city some times so I could get delivery. I just don't want to be around people I don't know.

Blog along with Effy Wild

Blerg

I have been watching Disney plus all day...I didn't think I would enjoy Cruella, but I really did enjoy it. I will have to watch it again and then sketch through the movie. I love  doing that. Then I watched Loki...I want to re-watch it because I know I didn't catch everything! I found it interesting! But it hasn't been a good day.

I don't do well in the heat and it was 102 degrees again today! No relief! I want fall with crisp cool days and sweat shirts!

 

 

 

 

 

It's been a rough day...my boyfriend feels urpy...not good. He is not a good sick person. Bucket next to bed and I hope he doesn't get sick. I was SO sick for like 6 days where I couldn't eat, I thought it was food poisoning...it was bad...now I just hope it wasn't the flu and now he has it. Of course we both worry it is covid...but we have been isolating and social distant it is not covid. We just caught a bug.

Luckily I have some jello left, but if he is sick I will have to brave the store tomorrow for supplies and ginger ale. I don't do the grocery shopping, since I am compromised I don't want to be around a lot of people. 

Not feeling good really makes us remember to enjoy life when we do feel good that is for sure!

I am really getting sick of covid...not feeling comfortable to socialize, go shopping, do normal things like see my grand daughter and son. It has been a long couple of years. and I am tired of dealing with non-vaxers and anti-maskers. I want this shit to be over. I haven't seen my little since December and my son in January the last time when he had surgery and stayed with us for a few days. I am so sick of this...

I worry because she is in school, 1st grade this year, and I don't want her to get sick. I just wish they would home school her. I am tired of worry and anxiety for those I love. 

Tomorrow, I am going to get my camera and go out in the yard in the morning and take some photos to get out of my head and my house! I am feeling closed in!

I need to get out of my head...clean my art area. Pull out some Halloween and find some joy.

 

Blog along with Effy Wild

250-acre fire sparks beneath Foresthill Bridge, prompts evacuation orders near Auburn

I think all of our nerves are on edge...this is down the hill from us, but I have a friend who lives and works in Foresthill and it is such a beautiful area...it is hard to see this happening. And since our fire I am just jumpy. All day long yesterday the air support was flying over our house, Grass Valley has an air strike team. It is good to hear but sad at the same time and makes me nervous. If it wasn't for the air strike teams we would be fucked here! They changed the way they tackle these fires now, thankfully they throw a lot of air support at them! 

Our Firefighters and Law enforcement are tired...this has been a brutal year! 3 fires are still going in our area. The Dixie fire, The Caldor fire and now the Bridge fire.  I just feel raw.

The wildfire, dubbed the Bridge Fire by Cal Fire’s Nevada-Yuba-Placer Unit, started just before 1 p.m. and grew to about 250 acres by 7 p.m.

Crews spent Sunday night lighting backfires in the area to help improve containment lines. Cal Fire on Monday said crews would work to strengthen those lines and also be on the lookout for spot fires in the American River Canyon drainage.

Wind-thrown embers on Sunday caused the fire to hop across roads and trails and forced people recreating in the area to evacuate, along with nearby residents. While the community of Foresthill was not under evacuation orders, the road closure cut the area off and law enforcement officers were continuing to escort residents who live there were being escorted to their homes.

The fire was 5% contained on Monday morning and no structures had been damaged or destroyed, according to Cal Fire.

One firefighter was injured. Details on the injury were not immediately available.

The cause of the fire is under investigation. -Sacramento Bee

The Forest Hill Bridge is 730 feet high...it is the 4th tallest bridge in the U.S. And I can tell you it makes me super nervous going over it! I personally hate driving it...and I close my eyes when I am a passenger.

Blog along with Effy Wild

WGB

Happy Birth Day to the Love of my Life. I call him WGB, Worlds Greatest Boyfriend, he has had the title for 21 years. 

I never knew love like this before! Some times he gets on my last nerve as I am sure I do for him. But 99.9% of the time we love each other unconditionally and that is an amazing love.

He adores me. And I had a lot of chatter in my brain when we first got together, that it was impossible that he loved me like that. But he has been consistent for 21 years of us being together and another 16 years before of being my good friend! I think that was key.  We were friends first.

When trauma responses showed up, he was patient and talked me down. Always telling me he has never given me reason to think he would treat me like that, and he never has. 

The hard part for me, was accepting his generosity. Letting him take care of me in ways he wanted to but leaving my independence intact. We don't want to be married. I did not like marriage, at least the 20 year marriage I had, left a bad taste in my soul. I like having an equal partner. We help each other mutually. We are there for each other. And our friendship is deep.

Life is better with a true friend by your side.