The Gypsy on Adventure

So wiped out today

I pretty much spent the day licking my wounds. Not much energy to do anything. I am just so damn sad. WHY things have to hit more than ONE THING at a time! It is so hard to take every thing in, and to address every thing that was raging in my heart for days now.

So I find demons raising their ugly heads again...

"The first and finest lesson that parents can teach their children is faith and courage." -Smiley Blanton, M.D.

"There is no feeling more comforting and consoling than knowing you are right next to the one you love.” -Unknown

"As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate." -Albert Schweitzer

"Honesty is like an icicle; if once it melts that is the end of it" -American Proverb

...If I am in denial...my body is not...

I think with all the mourning about death, the stress of life and the fear I have been feeling...it hit my tummy big time today...home on the porcelain god all day! TMI I know.  I tried to catch up on my blog, watched some movies, and made a trail to the bathroom all day...

But it just seems to be a hard, hard time right now...and makes me wonder if all my anxiety was to tell me that this was coming...and to start dealing with it.

I am going to make a better effort to read and take in that new book, Life is a Verb and see if it helps me on my journey...It was so cute that today, both cats, Fatty and Kat, stuck close to me and tried to give me comfort. It is truly like they know...so Fatty was like my very own purring teddy bear while I laid on the couch!

 

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
-Wally 'Famous' Amos

Joy

So...finding it REALLY hard to balance life right now...not really understanding WHY the old ghosts come back up and raise their ugly heads...do they think I will CHANGE my mind???? That some how I would go to sleep in my life and allow the drama all over again???

Pondering life...3,910 steps today...not as good as yesterday...but I was tired and my eye was still achey and blurry.

Some times you just have to be grateful. Be happy right where you are, choose it, embrace it, and believe in it. One of the joys of Tuesday and Thursdays is this little imp that stops by my desk to tease me and he always teases that he will take my photo! So today I took his! Giggle  He makes me laugh. He is 6 months older than me, and we went to the same schools. He has worked at my job for the last 28 years...Every Tuesday and Thursday...

And I am so grateful for the love of my last fur baby...all he wants is to be near me. Simple pleasure. Simple love. Simple bliss.

Gah....

I am STILL in pain...lumped on the couch finished Buffy Season 5 working on Season 6. Can't move my head, and now the pain is down to my shoulder blades...the WGB tried to rub it out and it finally feels a little better but the damn headache is still there...

No good deed goes unpunished

Last night late, around 11 when I was trying to relax, a massive head ache hit...this morning it was STILL there. I couldn't move my head at all...so I curled up on the couch with Fatty boy on me, and watched Season 5 of Buffy...trying NOT to move my head.

Life has a way of changing in an instant!

Well time to put on the face and start the day...fake it till you make it...only a few more days for Mr. Clicker man the freak! GAH I swear I am going to pop him like a fucking grape!  And the people responsible for fucking keeping him on! (eeeesh I could rant)

So the high point of the day, was that Fan was coming in to town for a class and we could have lunch! OMG trying to catch up with our lives...and shit is shit is shit! Boy she is dealing with a lot right now, and I am just so sad...there was nothing like being in public with your good friend while she tells you her mothers breast cancer is back in her lungs now...and she wants to do chemo again...

AND if that were not enough, one of our co-workers who is a friend, and Rene's kids are Fan's god-kids they are so close...is dieing of colon cancer and she is only about a year older than me for crin out loud! WTF?! She is not even old enough for the fucking colon test!!! Gee I wonder why I am obsessed with other people dieing lately?!!! It was SUCH a shock...we just sat in the Japanese restaurant and cried!

This really puts into perspective my horrible talking to myself about my body...the wanting to loose weight the struggle to get it off...just be HAPPY I have a body that is working for me...that I can still do things I love in it. AND ask for help when I can't.  Get over it. It is NOT important when you are on your death bed! And although today wasn't a great day, I did walk  3,353 steps...better than earlier in the week. In my morning photo I thought I looked pregnant, but I am not going to worry about my body as much as I have been, I hope...I jus want to live and live intentionally.

It was SO funny tonight while I was sketching I was watching the debate and SO was Crackers, she wasn't impressed either! LOL

 

Balance...life...work...play...art...is all hard

I STILL have to call to make a hair appt, find a dress and shoes for the Retirement Dinner on Friday...Sigh...I am overwhelmed! I just want to sleep until Saturday!  I walked 3,160 steps today...better...but not great.

This seems to be my favorite outfit during the October/November months...I am sure people will get sick of seeing me in it! I have looked forward to being able to wear warmer clothes but damn, the weather is like in the 80s here in California! WHERE is my Fall????

When I run around like a crazy person and have time restraints and have to be back at work it is NOT a good thing to see a shrink on my lunch break and rush back to work...I don't feel I am getting what I need from this and I am so stressed out because I have to process while I am at work! It makes me too raw!

She is not really talking about my anxiety with all this death stuff...I can't get out of the anxiety and I understand she doesn't know me, but damn it I REALLY don't want to go into my life story and get hooked up on old healed wounds. I know that the fear of death has to do with MY abandonment issues...but this is BEYOND that...I am having dreams...I cannot stop thinking of death (other peoples death) before I go to sleep. And now some times I feel things and wonder if "I" am dieing...I never had that before I started to talk to her...gah...messy times in my head.

Tonight while I watched Buffy and Fatty boy was on my lap I took a little time to be in my favorite PJs my Tink bottoms and sketched!

Howling in delight over a surprise!

My brother Chuck got a hold of me first thing this morning to get an email address from me to send what he did for Christmas!!!! AND here is the original photo he is trying to recreate...I love this!!!   When I was 19 and went to Joplin for my first visit we three did this at the mall...unfortunately by the time the photos were ready none of us had the money to pick them up! Some day we will do it again!  Grin!

 

I know that some times I still feel like an outsider, for instance the pang of not being in the photos...but I SURE love that he did this! This is AMAZING! And SO grateful that it happened before grandma who is 89 passes away...I think I might photoshop myself in a couple! Too funny! I think kids from divorce will always feel this way...but especially since NEITHER parent raised me it is a hard head/soul concept for me to deal with...and when I don't want to deal with it...up it pops rearing its ugly head like an old demon does! I choose to embrace the love of my brother who did this out of sheer love and wanting ALL of his family together! Good job Chuck! You did awesome! I think the world may end or the Apocalypse is actually approaching! I cannot BELIEVE he got our dad and his mom in the SAME room in the SAME photos!!!!

Good thing I was smiling this morning...

the backlash of not being at work? BLIZZARD of work! And how can ONE person have over 200 emails facing them from just 4 days???? People, I am NOT that important!

Not realizing when I left this morning that my sweater would NOT cover my clevage! LOL Oh well...I have boobs! Get over it! Snort! I had another class this morning from 8:30-12:30 and will for the next like 6 Weds. Good speaker and motivational...good thing I was TIRED and burned from the other class.

And when I got back from class! SURPRISE a package was waiting for me! yeah! OHMYGAWD how delightful!

I only did one page today in my Technique book...but I LOVE the burst of colors!

Raw and drained

After this class...I am raw.  You have to go to the depth of core incident based pain, that in turn can trigger your ancient pain, and bring up your own demons last night I couldn't sleep until after 1:00 am my brain would not turn off...it was a safe place for us to experience this pain and learn to help our co-workers heal from the trauma as well as ourselves. I am right where I am supposed to be...and as terrified as I am for taking the steps in the direction of picking up a path to a new career...I know today...in my heart...that I am called to do this.

I have to learn to OFF LOAD it as quickly as I can and become more teflon than I am currently.  It is HARD HARD work...and Janet makes it look so damn easy! She scared me by wanting me on the Regional Team.

But work my whole entire life has led me to...gulp...ensuing FEAR...but recognition to take the step off the deep end and start the swim.

This morning I had the worst Power Surge! Man, unbelievable!