The Gypsy on Adventure

Disappointed

The boy told me he was coming down, so I rearranged everything.  I got up at 730 am aftre not getting to bed until after midnight, to run errands go to holistic doc, food shopping, pet food shopping, gardening, laundry, cleaning the house.... Cooking chili all day long for the boy.... Changed my artful plans... 

All moot...the kid had a front flat tire on his harley on i80!!! gah! didn't tell me until late, I have TONS of friends in the area! He could have stayed with some awesome people!

But look at the most awesome chili I have made in years!

Blerg

Beautiful crisp Fall day in Mountain View! Vernon and I got dressed and took the G-boy out for a much needed walk outside, we have all been too cooped up! And G-boy is crabby! 

You know what?  I love WGB! he just took off with G-boy! When we got back from out walk WGB decided to take the G-Boy to the Exploratorium!

It has to be very hard for him! First off WGB does not talk or deal well about death... And the person being mourned by my kids is my Ex. It has been filling up our living space...but we are ok with that...it is just hard! I just love how much he loves and respects me. He anticipates needs and just takes off with G-boy as he said for ADVENTURE!!!

The kid has been cooped up so much he needs to see and experience something joyful! 

They are off to the Exploratorium in SF.

Then Vernon and Desi took off...WTF? So now I am alone for awhile...reflecting...

November is mine field of emotional land mines for me and now it has gotten even worse! First off, my ex died on the 15th, his autopsy was performed on the 18th which was our first date anniversary. Then he was cremated on his birthday the 22nd and today would have been our wedding anniversary...it is all just too much. I am glad we are not doing the spreading of his ashes in November...its all just too much!

Coping through a tremendous amount of pain...

This has had to be one of the worst days of my life.
I am drained, tired and exhausted. 
Now for my kids, let the healing begin.

We were lucky I found Holiday Inn Express - Jackson California to stay in, I explained what we were coming there for, and they allowed us in our rooms early to try to gather our stregth for having to view my ex-husband.  They were VERY kind to us. It was clean, and smelled good, no cigarette smells in the rooms. Large enough disabled room for my daughter and bathtub that was safe for her. My daughter and g-boy in one room down the end of the hall so she could have access to outside for her smoking and me a couple of doors down, where my son and his girl would stay with me as well.  We were able to reflect and meet up with my son before going to the Mortuary.

This was THE most horrific thing I have ever had to force myself to do in my entire life, and if you knew what I have lived through, that is really saying something. I never expected to have to walk my kids through the process of dealing with a parents death. Nor dealing with my ex-husbands death. His family has refused to view the body with the kids, and anyone who knows me knows how I will go to the ends of the earth for my kids and stand by them in thick and thin...and this is part of my responsiblity as a parent to them. Some may not understand why I am doing this, but they don't know my heart.

We had about an hour and half of just dealing with the business of death...the arrangements before we could view the body, and it was looming over us, my daughter broke at one point...her anger comes out when she is overwhelmed.

Once we were there my daughter started crying and telling me she couldn't do it without me, that it was the last time we would be together as a family...how to you break your childs heart by reminding them you haven't been a family in over 13 years .... I put on my big girl panties and went in with my kids. I really was not prepared to view him. I thought I would be there for my kids to go in...and a rush of emotions hit me right in the chest when I walked in.

My daughter had insisted that her 8 year old son be able to view him the whole time, and finally she agreed SHE would see him first and then decide. My son's girlfriend stayed with him in the front of the mortuary where there was a beautiful room with a fire going.  My daughter was so upset when she saw her father that she couldn't make the decision and asked me, I made the decision to spare him of having nightmares the rest of his life. AND I will stand on that decision for as long as I live.

So many conflicting emotions. He looked so far removed from the man I loved, really the boy I fell in love with...I was very young...we were 15...what do you know when you are 15?  Anyway, he looked like the choices he had made and it broke my heart. My son, brought clothes for the undertaker to put him in, he was dressed, cleaned up and the man took care to wrap a gauze bandage on the worst part, my daughter brought her favorite bandana and he placed it over his head, covering the injury. He had his leather jacket on and his cane and leather hat were on his chest. One hand was out because my kids wanted to hold his hand.

My heart broke. On many levels. He really didn't treat me very well while we were married and we were married for 20 years, together for 24. And only while being able to see the past of the whole life can it break your heart that he was never able to make better choices. The potential he had was so great, but instead he ended up like this...

All of his bad choices laying directly in front of me...his death the direct result of a decision to go out to a bar, drink, sing and then get in his car to drive  home and speed on a mountain road while he was drunk, and not turn with the road. Honestly, I just thank the universe that he didn't hurt anyone else in his car crash...that we don't have to deal with another family grieving and being angry with him. He knew better...he is responsible for this outcome...and I am angry he made that choice...that he is putting my children and I through this...and the reprocussions of the hard days coming our way.

The disappointment and anger I still have of his family. His mother and closest sister refused to see him with us. That just brings up so much anger in me. The woman who bore him, abused him, tormented him, dangled a promise of I will love you IF, refused to see him ... The sister that went through hell and back like they were thick as thieves refused to see him. There I stood with my children...in an empty room...saying the final good-bye and struggling to forgive it all for the last time in person. I am rendered without words to convey the contempt I feel for his family that got between us while we were together and fought me every step of the journey. NEVER there for the hard...

I was proud of my son's girlfriend. She was there, she stood by my son and his family. She walked in after our time with my son, and said goodbye. She is a keeper. She is a person who has substance and I adore her more now.

After all of that we went to Mel's diner and finally ate something...we were all drained and emotional...and needed food...and some laughs. Passing down to the next generation the nose and spoon trick! And I really lusted after that Betty!

 

 

A wake up call...

So until WGB told his dad and step mom, and that I got his ok, I haven't said anything publicly. But I could use some good thoughts, white light, prayers, and some support. Which is why I posted this good light photo of WGB. 

Last Friday when my girlfriends and I were on our way home, WGB had a minor or mini stroke. What that means is he has half of his tongue that is numb and food tastes metallic, a spot on his thigh is numb, he keeps hitting the left side of his arm especially the elbow around corners, but to look at him he looks as normal as WGB can be! Giggle

On Monday he finally went in to see his doctor, who sent him to O'Connor Hospital ER. They did a Catscan, not sure why really since it won't show anything stroke wise…he didn't want me going down to the hospital…I let that go until he told me they put him on an IV I got in my car and went anyway! Just in time since they were releasing him! GRR But I felt better going anyway!

The tech and doctor said it wouldn't have made a difference if he went on Friday or on Monday…it was minor. We followed up with his doctor on Tues…and we have been waiting for Health Net to approve the MRI/MRA … well we have an appt finally on Tuesday Afternoon for the Neuro Doctor…and I guess we have to consult with him BEFORE we can get the MRI/MRA. 

The annoying thing is the doctor did not place any restrictions on him…just put him on high blood pressure meds and an aspirin a day. And he is NOT letting me forget that! Anyone that knows WGB knows just how stubborn he is, and he found out Tues what it is like to battle the Carmelita when she puts her mind to it! Suffice it to say it was a draw and he did what I asked him to do. We never fight because we know it would be to the death…so we compromise a lot with each other… that is hard part of being one half of a very stubborn pair! And since I am not a shrinking violet this can be challenging for me to find the balance of him being safe and happy with his own decisions.

Let's put it this way, I scared him twice. Once when I told him I was going to get our friend Stephen Mello to marry us while he was in the ER, and the second time was when he said we could move to Montana and his stress would go down, and I said ok, lets pack! Then he knew just how worried and scared I was! Because I wouldn't do either without being under distress!

AND I laughed so hard when I talked to him while he was in the hospital, he said, "Hey, I got some one to take photos of me for you!" He SO knows how I document everything in photos! I laughed! He even took this cool one of his IV...So I couldn't be too mad at him!

Really? Grow up already!

So shall I share how my day started off? I go to get into my car and some one, most likely my EX for a reason husband who lives in my area, poured OIL all over my car! Yup! One big fat mess...so I spent the first hour of work driving through the car wash and the WGB driving me to work!

Some times the worst thing you can do to a person is to live well and happy! This weekend was the 12th anniversary of when I left him! you would think, if you were a rational person, that he would be a little more happy AND grateful...considering her bought his mobile home, harley and god knows what else with MY retirement money! But no...since his life is going south I guess its all my fault again!! 

I am just going to act like it is a fly buzzing around my head pestering me and not give it more power...I was JUST annoyed...and documented it just in case it escalates.

I have learned MANY lessons in my life and one is not stressing out over people that want you to. I don't give my power away anymore. And my spiritual practices seem to be helping me to remain calm. Seriously gratitude is HUGE in my life and I just don't want to give up my healthy energy to bad behavior. When I left him 12 years ago the first thing I learned, Things are JUST things! THE most important things in my life, are people that I love. Not objects. It is just reminding me of that again!

   

Ok...in order NOT to have any regrets...I have booked a flight with my son to Austin Tx, we are picking up my daughter and G-boy and then driving to Joplin, MO to visit Grandma Mary before she dies.  I hate trying to figure out travel arrangements! grr

Now the sweating begins...I booked my FLIGHT! Grrrr....now to call the doctor and demand DRUGS!  I joined the SouthWest and figured out I want a DIRECT non-stop flight! AND I could not believe I got the tickets for $120 each way!!! Not a bad price! Set up the hotel for when we get in, since it will be after 12:30 am...and the car place is closed! AND working on getting the car...

Reality is sinking in!

Lucky for me some one was stupid enough to give me a credit card...so I can finance this whole unexpected adventure! And hope when I get my tax return to pay it off!

Oh! No wonder I have been profoundly sad and depressed this week...as of yesterday Lucy has been gone for 3 years...

Native American Prayer
I give you this one thought to keep - 
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone - 
I am with you still in each new dawn.

This is grandma Mary when she was young, I was 12...

Shit. REALLY? I am just dealing today with Lucy and my dad calls, it was THE worst 30 minutes...my grandma, the one who is 93, was diagnosed today with Pancreatic cancer...like Lucy.

REALLY? She is going to have to battle THAT demon? They can't do surgery to open the duct so they have to go down her throat to get to it and put a stent in IF they can... I am completely a mess! This is not good. 

I told my dad to call the doctor and get anxiety medication for her, she can't sleep, she was always in denial that she would die at all, let alone by cancer! Tomorrow I have to find out who in their area does cremation because my dad has no idea, and we need to get things set into place before its too hard to handle. Reality bites. I just know we don't have much time. I am profoundly sad and depressed.

The process of letting go of our loved one's is hard, and it it hard for them to let go...When she talked to me it broke my heart! She said "I was so worried about having to tell you....I don't want to upset YOU!" OMG! She is the cutest!

Soulful

Thank you Veterins for all the ways you forged my freedom to sit here and be soulful while I mull over my life today.

Today seemed to scream by so fast as I thought about my life and made some stride in my art today.

I cleaned a bit of my studio day and updated my iTunes and iPhone. It all takes time and I am grateful I had some today.

Transitions and change is not a comfortable process for any one and I know for me, I don't do well with change. I think when you life as a child is hectic, unsure, chaotic and explosive, it makes you very nervous about change.

Then there are the dreams of your life that you have. What you want to happen, and how you view your life and how you want it to be. Engulfed in the shame and craziness of the reality of what was and how it marks your life. The insecurity it brings in your spirit. And never feeling "good enough".

I guess because I didn't dare to dream of having a grandchild in my life before, because my daughter and I didn't have a relationship, I didn't see myself with that joy in my life. I had conflict with my daughter and never thought I would ever meet my grandson.

Of course I am not going to go into all the painful details here, but there was a huge struggle in my heart, soul, and spirit...and I have been conflicted for years about this. I refused to dream the dream as long as my mother was alive...because her as a wild card was not an option.

Then one sentence my daughter wrote me in some long emails, gave me that ah-ha moment. Part of that was the realization of the influence my grandmother who raised me had on my life, and then the memory of not feeling like an alien when I was in my 30s meeting my dad's mom. My genetics, my DNA was flowing out of me my entire life from his side, only a product of divorce I never saw that part and didn't know where it came from. I could at least pass on the history of our DNA.

I hate the problems my family has. I know that every one has family problems, but sinde I don't experience your truth, I only experience my own. And some times that isolates me and frustrates me, because I then skew the way I look at the world and the pain I experience.

I can't see one thing without the weight of the entire history of my life on my back. It makes me crazy, things are viewed through those glasses and I want to take them off! Fuck it, change it! Think differently. But its hard! Crazy hard. And the sadness, grief and feeling of despair is heavy.

The reality of what I am feeling is some thing that I didn't think I would ever feel. I think it is regret. And I don't like this feeling. But there is nothing in my life I can change. You can't go back and be born in another family! snort hell, it might even be worse! snort

All I can do is pick myself up and continue to make the changes I need to make for me, and continue to work through the pain. The hard part is remaining OPEN...not to close my heart off. Not to allow the walls to come back up and make me more isolated from other people. Fear...fear of getting hurt...letting it go...remaining soft and viable.

One of the huge reasons I finally left my husband after 20 odd years, was because I decided I did NOT want to be bitter. I wanted to be a happy old woman, not one filled with ugly wrinkles of bitterness.

Forgiveness comes when you give up the hope that you can change the past! -Ophra

Going back to regret. I see now that I have been wallowing in regret. In many ways, I just didn't know that this is what regret feels like. And I have to find a way to realize in my bones that there is nothing I can do to fix the past...embrace the what it was as and be in the moment of today.

Rejected people seek approval.

In that, the expectation of success. I should have had my own house that I own, lots of money in the bank, a new car, and spotless beautiful home, a fancy degree, living your passion. None of that is my reality and for a long time it has been gnawing at me that I am unsuccessful. Its all bullshit. Houses and things don't make you a success...but when your relationships seem to fail or connect you feel a lack of success more keenly. I just don't feel I have accomplished much in this one life of mine. And I guess that is the feeling of regret I am experiencing. I feel like I am standing still while others all around me are soaring.

Bleh...yesterday was the last time I will see my g-boy, apparently my daughter is moving to Tx...and since we had yet another falling out in February and haven't seen them yesterday was hard on me. Trying not to feel my emotions...but I wasn't as present as I could have been with him, for fear of crying and making it even worse. bleh...I hate this.

A short 2 hours to just be with him was agony...we had lunch, watched a couple of cartoons and took him to the park and the time was up. Over. I am left with feeling empty and betrayed. I was sorry I opened my heart up. But I am sure I will work through it and heal and not be sorry I opened my heart later. I made an activity bag for him, and I hope he thinks of me...and loves me. I sure do him. I even made him a little scrap book for the road.

WTF?

I have no words...I am shocked...I am angry...I am profoundly sad...I feel very empty...I feel very confused...and extremly grateful to have hired her, worked with her for 20 years, and to have loved her...her last words to me as she retired...I won't abandon you...I guess that will be the first question I have for her if I ever get to see her on the other side! I will have to say "WHY did you lie?"
Truly maybe you found some peace in leaving us...RIP Ellen