The Gypsy on Adventure

Some times the only inspiration I have in the day is how I choose to dress...especially when I feel like I look so fat its not very motivating to leave the house!  Today I decided I needed color! So my purple skirt, and the orange top is actually another skirt that I use as a top! And I had to wear the sweater over it to cover my ink...but I think this is a fun outfit and made me feel happier to be out in the world.

 

Transitions and change is not a comfortable process for any one and I know for me, I don't do well with change. I think when you life as a child is hectic, unsure, chaotic and explosive, it makes you very nervous about change.

Then there are the dreams of your life that you have. What you want to happen, and how you view your life and how you want it to be. Engulfed in the shame and craziness of the reality of what was and how it marks your life. The insecurity it brings in your spirit. And never feeling "good enough".

I guess because I didn't dare to dream of having a grandchild in my life before, because my daughter and I didn't have a relationship, I didn't see myself with that joy in my life. I had conflict with my daughter and never thought I would ever meet my grandson.

Of course I am not going to go into all the painful details here, but there was a huge struggle in my heart, soul, and spirit...and I have been conflicted for years about this. I refused to dream the dream as long as my mother was alive...because her as a wild card was not an option.

Then one sentence my daughter wrote me in some long emails, gave me that ah-ha moment. Part of that was the realization of the influence my grandmother who raised me had on my life, and then the memory of not feeling like an alien when I was in my 30s meeting my dad's mom. My genetics, my DNA was flowing out of me my entire life from his side, only a product of divorce I never saw that part and didn't know where it came from. I could at least pass on the history of our DNA.

I hate the problems my family has. I know that every one has family problems, but sinde I don't experience your truth, I only experience my own. And some times that isolates me and frustrates me, because I then skew the way I look at the world and the pain I experience.

I can't see one thing without the weight of the entire history of my life on my back. It makes me crazy, things are viewed through those glasses and I want to take them off! Fuck it, change it! Think differently. But its hard! Crazy hard. And the sadness, grief and feeling of despair is heavy.

The reality of what I am feeling is some thing that I didn't think I would ever feel. I think it is regret. And I don't like this feeling. But there is nothing in my life I can change. You can't go back and be born in another family! snort hell, it might even be worse! snort

All I can do is pick myself up and continue to make the changes I need to make for me, and continue to work through the pain. The hard part is remaining OPEN...not to close my heart off. Not to allow the walls to come back up and make me more isolated from other people. Fear...fear of getting hurt...letting it go...remaining soft and viable.

One of the huge reasons I finally left my husband after 20 odd years, was because I decided I did NOT want to be bitter. I wanted to be a happy old woman, not one filled with ugly wrinkles of bitterness.

Forgiveness comes when you give up the hope that you can change the past! -Ophra

Going back to regret. I see now that I have been wallowing in regret. In many ways, I just didn't know that this is what regret feels like. And I have to find a way to realize in my bones that there is nothing I can do to fix the past...embrace the what it was as and be in the moment of today.

Rejected people seek approval.

In that, the expectation of success. I should have had my own house that I own, lots of money in the bank, a new car, and spotless beautiful home, a fancy degree, living your passion. None of that is my reality and for a long time it has been gnawing at me that I am unsuccessful. Its all bullshit. Houses and things don't make you a success...but when your relationships seem to fail or connect you feel a lack of success more keenly. I just don't feel I have accomplished much in this one life of mine. And I guess that is the feeling of regret I am experiencing. I feel like I am standing still while others all around me are soaring.

Bleh...yesterday was the last time I will see my g-boy, apparently my daughter is moving to Tx...and since we had yet another falling out in February and haven't seen them yesterday was hard on me. Trying not to feel my emotions...but I wasn't as present as I could have been with him, for fear of crying and making it even worse. bleh...I hate this.

A short 2 hours to just be with him was agony...we had lunch, watched a couple of cartoons and took him to the park and the time was up. Over. I am left with feeling empty and betrayed. I was sorry I opened my heart up. But I am sure I will work through it and heal and not be sorry I opened my heart later. I made an activity bag for him, and I hope he thinks of me...and loves me. I sure do him. I even made him a little scrap book for the road.

It was a great hump day!

On my way to lunch today my son texted me, he was HERE! So he had lunch with WGB and I. I miss him so much! I love seeing his face! We got to talk and take a photo, and of course it wasn't enough time. But it was a high light to my day!

He had to pick up his car, and at least I got the benefit of seeing him for 49 minutes or so.

"Some times you can grow into who you could have been" TS Eliot (paraphrased)

This is my motto right now...I can change. I can be better. I can do this exercise thing and loose weight! So far since I started I have lost a measly 2 lbs but its hopeful! I want health...be the turtle...slow and steady and get it to right. Change to be MORE active, I am really not an outdoor girly girl! But I am trying to hike, walk, water exercise, bike, and do MORE...then I can show those cool AFTER photos I see people posting! :)

It was great today! A perfect day! I met up with Bruce and we had a LONG hour and half walk, it was great! We talked and walk, it was so great to be walking and not realizing how far we walked, and the being able to talk to some one and spill it all out, and know you have been understood, its a gift. I have been so stressed out between family crap, retirement prep for friends at work, anxiety that the presentations will be great...and that things will go well...I have been one big stressed out woman!

Now I don't know if it is because I refuse to wear socks, but I got a few hotspots on my feet from walking. So I guess I have to find some moleskin, and not the kind I draw and paint in! Grin

What does your sleep position reveal about your personality?

These days, the way that I sleep simply says, "I am happy to be single and spending five to seven hours sprawled out in the center of my bed alone."

At other points, my tightly squeezed eyes and curled-up body would have screamed, "I know the baby will wake up/someone will start snoring/the alarm will begin blaring as soon as I finally, finally, finally get to sleep."

Years and years ago, the corpse-looking college student still in her clothes would have mumbled something like, "Finals. Boys. Beer."

Here is a link to read on line if you want, or go below and see the rest....Mine was pretty correct! LOL

Some times life baffles me...

I have to really scratch my  head some times...BOTH of my children had no rememberance that they are part Mexican! I am astounded...to have it come up twice in 6 months blows my mind.

Words of wisdom...

Here is a great reminder!!!! Become your OWN cheerleader!  Bob Greene's newsletter written by: Stephanie Clarke, M.S., R.D.

Friends, co-workers, and your significant other can all provide support as you work toward reaching your health and weight-loss goals. But, there's someone missing from this list: You! Becoming your own biggest fan can give you that extra push you need to stay motivated. Use these "you-boosting" tips:

Embrace gray. It's easy to slip into black-and-white thinking when you have a specific goal in mind. For instance, "I can never eat dessert because I want to lose 25 pounds." But this can lead to an all-or-nothing mentality—and that isn't practical for the long term. Instead, strive for moderation. If you make healthy food choices the majority of the time, you can have a small treat every day or so.

Put it on repeat. Repeating positive affirmations to yourself on a daily basis may seem silly at first, but do it long enough and it will sink in. Try starting with something like "I deserve to feel beautiful and confident." In stressful, challenging times, positive affirmations can keep you level-headed.

Eliminate the competition. Your friend and husband have a different metabolism than you, different genes and different life circumstances that make losing weight different for her or him. Focus on yourself: Keep a tally sheet of how many times you bring your lunch to work or eat veggies each day. You'll be surprised at how much more motivated you are when you compare you to you, rather than others.

What IS beauty?

 
It's a photo that measures all of three by three inches in our September issue, but the letters about it started to flood my inbox literally the day Glamour hit newsstands. (As editor-in-chief, I pay attention to this stuff!) "I am gasping with delight...I love the woman on p 194!" said one...then another, and another, andanotherandanotherandanother. So...who is she? And what on earth is so special about her?

Here's the deal: The picture wasn't of a celebrity. It wasn't of a supermodel. It was of a woman sitting in her underwear with a smile on her face and a belly that looks...wait for it...normal.

To read the entire article go here.

Raven's walk at Shoreline

Ah, most week nights I don't plan any thing. But today was an exception! Loretta met up with me at my house, I showed her the covers because I woke up last night with issues of HOW to put it all together in the space I have and she suggested I just shrink the pages I copy and it should all work well. I need to put in extra pages for notes and new members as well.  After a nice visit we went over to Shoreline Park for their Raven's walk and Rengstorff Mansion Spook Tour! It was a crisp beautiful autumn night! I was glad I changed into jeans, my sweater and sweat shirt! I wore my Lucy hat for protection from the wind! It was a fabulous time on the walk!

Every so often the docents would stop and read from the poem The Raven! Then they discussed the differences of Raven's and Crow's! VERY interesting! Fun! It was a beautiful sunset walk less than a mile and a beautiful FULL moon over the house! It was a fun tour of the house and Loretta and I had a great time!

We even got to see a crow find his dinner and start eating it! Several came out to show off during our walk. We learn the back tails of a crow curve like a C and the Raven's back tail is like a V. The ravens have a bump on their nose and a beard, where the crows have smooth beaks and no bearding! I learned a lot on our walk!

I still wish I could be the secretary out at the house! I love this house!!!

These pants have to go!

They are so big on me now they don't look good!  5,004 steps today! I love purple and orange together! Oh so glad it is Friday! Looking for some renewal time even if I just sleep! Off to watch Ghost Whisperer and do some collage with CrowAbout layouts!

The body is responding...

portion control, water pill, walking...loose clothes! I am inspired by the way my clothes are fitting me now! This is so big I can't wear the skirt anymore! Yeah!  And my hair is growing out and it still looks good!  Yippee Today 4,017 steps. At least I am getting some results for my efforts! 

I also got a great surprise in the mail today! An altered post card from Loretta! I love it!!! AND my Trumpet plant is really blooming!!! It is so beautiful and smells so good, I am glad that I didn't give up on it, it took two years but I have blooms!!! And the smell until the rotten egg smell from the Bay comes up.