The Gypsy on Adventure

5 of Cups Reversed

Goals being slain!

I followed through with pulling a Tarot Card everyday last month! I am keeping it up and gleaning some powerful imagery and relating the cards to what is deeply going on in my life. Reading over the March entries, there is a bit of oh that is creepy, but more of that is SO amazing, resonating so strong with the struggles I am dealing with. It was all about my Grief, from my brother's death to wounds from family members.

My last card pulled for March was the 5 of Cups Reversed. Oooooof….all about moving forward from what was lost! Use grief as a force for good feelings of deep compassion and empathy. Thrust into a sacrid realm where the healing  capacity of emotions is allowed to work.  Use the force of grief as a force for GOOD. The cup is carved deeper by emotion which tears at the heart of your being, creating more space then to hold wonder, joy and grace. Deep compassion and empathy.

In my life, when I have dealt with deep soul cutting grief, I have always made the conscience decision to be "Better rather than Bitter". I am "better" for the disasters that have happened in my life. Molding me pliable for deep compassion and empathy for others going through what I have in my life. I believe if we share our stories of pain and how we have overcome it, it does give hope to others in the trenches of that kind of pain. 

Empathy. Ooof… I am an empath. It is painful and hard to be one. Some times I just cut off the chatter of it...other times I listen and move through it. It is exhausting and hard sometimes to feel my own shit because of it. It is the absolute reason why I hate being in big cities and love being more in the country. I don't have all of the bombardment of people hammering at me. Still learning how to ground myself and not be so hypervigilant of what is going on around me. I suppose I am still in denial of it...it was more astounding when I was a kid through the teen years, but I put it away when I had to be more conservative navigating my career years. So it is popping up more and more in my retirement. I could always feel a ripple in the universe and KNOW that something was going on with family members or those close to me...

Catching up

Today I had to finish the Members book for my UGRA group, the ones that didn't go to MARS have to gotten theirs yet, and I had to fix the boo-boo's. Glue in new pages to cover up the problem children! It was an all day event! I sat at my art desk...enjoying the garden and the heavy rain storm! It was a blissful day!

 

Setting new goals and getting back

I can't believe this much time has gone by. It was a struggle last year...and this year I have been setting some positive goals for myself like making the time to seek out art friends and just be inspired and together for art. When this time of year comes up, I am conflicted, and this year I decided to get really clear on what it is I want.  And I know I want more art in my life!

• So I am doing some problem solving this time...
• Listing out my UFO's
• Deciding what to keep
• Repurpose or get rid of it!
• Work on something every day! No exceptions!
• Set random challenges for myself, ie setting a 30 day limit for a project using only one theme! Like Birds. Do birds for 30 days. That kind of thing to focus and make my mind problem solve.
• Set limits with myself like using only certain things on a project and see how they go together. For growth!
• I need to give myself new problems to work on rather than sulking in my real life problems.

And the challenge is actually to keep some of my studio space cleaned up. Like the surface of my work areas so I can leave a project out and have room to work! So I have started with my rolling wood surface desk that I can pull out and work on the art and then roll it back away when done, if that is at least open to work on I will work more!

Along with this concept is the other...to place ALL of my UFOs in one area! So I can grab one and just start working on it in order to make progress, if they are hidden away I tend to forget them and never finish them! AND I have a list written on my pink board in order to stay on track with some deadlines! I have two things I am giving myself a deadline for that takes me through the end of March. So getting focused is a must for me or I just don't seem to get things done.

This last year I have been so sad that it is time to really focus and get some of my art out...and not just in my head...I am such a social person that I seem to do a lot better when I surround myself with art friends...so I have to start doing that a bit more as well...

Anxiety

In my monthly newsletter from a knitting warrior, she said these words of wisdom...I am not excited about the holidays I am FREAKING OUT....bad....I hate these holidays and I hate that I am doing some thing so taxing and getting no where fast...so I will take a breathe and keep on keeping on...and hope beyond hope of what I am seeing right now that it will all get done!

Probably no other period of the year is so charged with emotion as the Christmas holidays. Some are caught up in the churn and  hurry of bustle and cheer while others seek only to avoid the whole thing -- too many memories, too many used-to-be's packed under the tree. For some Christmas has no religious significance and maybe no shopping significance, either.

For me with no family living near, I've learned to make my own meaning from the season. It's not about giving or receiving a big glut of presents (though I don't turn any down) or about family dinners where all our old relationship patterns get strewn about the table along with the turkey. Time has a way of putting some things into perspective. These days, I'm happy to have good friends and love which is more
important than anything material. With change the only constant, I've learned to retool my expectations and burn my lights more brightly despite the losses. This is the challenge of being human.

Light, laugh, eat and knit is my holiday mantra. But wherever you are in mind or  being this season, I wish you all the gift of light, light to illuminate the darkness, light to ignite the glow of hope, light to remind you that we are all part of something greater than ourselves no matter what our beliefs. In the end, as in the beginning, our commonalities are more abundant than our differences.

We are one.

Just a catch up day

WGB sent a photo of the Boulder River in Big Timber, he was fishing in today...The was was HIGH to say the least...but what a beautiful shot! I am glad I gave him my backup digital camera! He is actually using it now!

   I spent the day puttering in the studio...and I swear these days are just speeding by! And some of that could be the fact I don't sleep well when WGB is gone. I was actually able to sit at my art tables and go figure DO ART!  I finished my Play with CrowAbout art piece that just flowed right out of me!  It was effortless and fun!  I played in the garden today as well, and did some grocery shopping...Just a pleasant alone day.

Tonight I had a late dinner and it was easy just a small dinner of healthy salad...monitoring myself, making sure I am eating healthy and not setting myself up for not feeling good...A Month of Hands ::Day 3/31::

Getting into my weekly routine...

When you live for others' opinions, you are dead. I don't want to live thinking about how I'll be remembered.  -- Carlos Slim Helu

But I don't want to be remembered as a clutter-bug or a hoarder! So I am quiting that behavior right now...its a choice I am making...like always choosing to be happy! Its hard but the thing to do!

Confessions are good for the soul
I am sharing in order to say to you, if you have this issue, you are not alone!  Don't live in the shame...if you have to, hire some one! The gal I hired is 18 going off to collage this August and needed some jobs for the summer...she is doing me, and possibly a couple of other artists I know...

Re-dedicated

Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power. -- Clint Eastwood

I took this quote to heart today and renewed my commitment to DE-clutter my home... (6 green garbage bags of clothes are now in the garage to separate this weekend) Movement I have 3 green garbage bags of clothes to good will, 1 green garbage bag of SHOES to good will, now to keep the motivation up! I have to dig out of this cluttered house to gain my emotional health back and my goal of having people over to do art!

WGB was a BRAT today!!!! We got Cable TV today, my channels are still downloading...and I was sitting in my family room going through my pens and he was changing my TV channels from the other room trying to freak me out! Which he did! Snort! Brat!

Studio space-art first thing this morning because we had no power. It forced me to sit in the chair and work a little! By no means is it clean! ha I cleared a little space and did a little art this morning before going off to have lunch with a friend, Dee Anna, at the Cheese Cake Factory! Never been and it was a GREAT experience! I had the Asian fushion salad and the white chocolate macadamia nut cheese cake!

I swear I just don't have motivation to sit in the chair and create. I feel so held back and stuck.  

I am grateful that no matter HOW bad the night is, when I can't sleep because anxiety and fear of death is gripping me, the morning comes and the light shines in. That I have the WGB in my life, that I have friends that will take the time to have lunch and just talk. That I can sit in my family room and just embroider. I am grateful that I woke up this morning, and I was able to enjoy the day.

"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything." -- Mary Hemingway

Tired

Well I continued to try organize the studio but I had to bring back in all the bins...so it looks just as bad as it did before...sigh.  Continued to watch Season 7 of Buffy. I really am enjoying this series! I am glad I don't have to wait a week to see the next installment! I snuck out a little bit to do some grocery shopping otherwise I stayed in wishing for rain...it didn't come.

Whew...

Well, today I decided to start working on my studio area...I took every bin and bag OUT to the patio and it felt good to breath...organized a bit...but I know it will be a LONG time before it is all clean. Ooosh I am tired.