The Gypsy on Adventure

5 of Cups Reversed

Goals being slain!

I followed through with pulling a Tarot Card everyday last month! I am keeping it up and gleaning some powerful imagery and relating the cards to what is deeply going on in my life. Reading over the March entries, there is a bit of oh that is creepy, but more of that is SO amazing, resonating so strong with the struggles I am dealing with. It was all about my Grief, from my brother's death to wounds from family members.

My last card pulled for March was the 5 of Cups Reversed. Oooooof….all about moving forward from what was lost! Use grief as a force for good feelings of deep compassion and empathy. Thrust into a sacrid realm where the healing  capacity of emotions is allowed to work.  Use the force of grief as a force for GOOD. The cup is carved deeper by emotion which tears at the heart of your being, creating more space then to hold wonder, joy and grace. Deep compassion and empathy.

In my life, when I have dealt with deep soul cutting grief, I have always made the conscience decision to be "Better rather than Bitter". I am "better" for the disasters that have happened in my life. Molding me pliable for deep compassion and empathy for others going through what I have in my life. I believe if we share our stories of pain and how we have overcome it, it does give hope to others in the trenches of that kind of pain. 

Empathy. Ooof… I am an empath. It is painful and hard to be one. Some times I just cut off the chatter of it...other times I listen and move through it. It is exhausting and hard sometimes to feel my own shit because of it. It is the absolute reason why I hate being in big cities and love being more in the country. I don't have all of the bombardment of people hammering at me. Still learning how to ground myself and not be so hypervigilant of what is going on around me. I suppose I am still in denial of it...it was more astounding when I was a kid through the teen years, but I put it away when I had to be more conservative navigating my career years. So it is popping up more and more in my retirement. I could always feel a ripple in the universe and KNOW that something was going on with family members or those close to me...

Fear...just have to walk through the fire

Day 2 of 31 days of blogging with Effy

Part of my art anxiety was actually doing paint to canvas. That whole, who the crap do I think I am, an artist? Yes, I have always thought of myself as an artist. No I am not van Gogh but I enjoy working in paint, I enjoy the art I do. Honestly, I don't care if I ever sell a thing, it IS the process of creating art that fills my soul up!

View from the side of my house

Dream She-shed

Part of my frustration has been not having a studio. When we moved into our forever house, I compromised with not having an out building, and a smaller home to stay within our budget, I don't want my studio IN my house. I create a mess and like to leave it...too long. Also, I want to keep our guest room a place for people to come and visit us. In our last place my studio/family room got way out of hand, I lost 3 girl friends and inherited some of their supplies plus mine and I was completely overwhelmed until we moved. I stopped having people over because the house was old, and it looked like a hoarder lived there.  Plus, inside our house, they put new carpet before we moved in...so I didn't think of painting inside the house. But I have been here over a year, and I am no closer to getting my She-shed studio, 90% of my stuff is still in the storage pod.  

This will be my view when I get the She-shed up. They are more expensive than I thought they were, and I am going to look into them building it on a trailer frame. For 2 reasons: 1 if we move I can take it with me, and 2nd, if it is on a trailer frame it won't be attached to my house taxes being raised.

For the last two years I have only been doing watercolors since it is so portable. I did get my portable art table up near my window, to the incredible view I am SO grateful for! And I have started to paint! On canvas! I have been working in my 2019 Journal as well. So my living room now looks like an artist lives here who is messy! gah...but I can't NOT do extensive art anymore...my soul needs this work.

100 Faces Project

On July 22nd, I started another 100 day project! This time 100 faces! but you don't have to do one every day...just a commitment to doing 100 faces! Its funny because some of them ARE coming out looking a little like people I know. I am not a "Fine" artist, I am more whimsical...but I am continuing the PRACTICE!!!!

So it just made sense to me that I try to do Bill since he died...

 

Ghosts....

Today I had a major trigger at work. You go through life thinking, oh, I healed that. I moved on. Its ok the past can't hurt you. And you hear something, you smell something, and the muscle memory is right back in your body, a day that changed your life. Changed who you are. And a day that you worked REALLY hard not to let define you as a person. Honestly, I have had MANY days like this. But today brought me back to the visions of a time where I had night terrors and I could smell the scene.

The one today that was triggered was a case that came through this weekend. And when I got to work was the talk of the office. I felt like I was blind sided. It took me so far back I had to sit stunned at my desk for a few minutes until I could catch my breathe. It hasn't left me yet. A few times I cried. And I just have to give myself some room to process a painful memory and walk it out.

The first memory was that of blinding tunnel and then just wanting to be anywhere than where I was at that moment. And forget the smells.

I have always believed that my career was a calling. That the horrible things that I lived through and survived and later thrived made me more compassionate at my job. Especially with victims. And I have often thought that it is a way that my personal brokenness was able heal. You can't really run away from yourself or what you lived through when you see it through another persons eyes. Over the 30 years I have been there I have faced many personal struggles as I have seen it all walk through our doors. But today...I have to really give myself permission to deeply feel what I feel...and get passed it.

When I was 14 I came home to find blood all over my curved driveway. My heart started to panic. Blood all over my white house. Rushing in through the front door was so much blood all over the lime green walls down the hallway. Eerie quiet. I was searching for my family convinced my step brother had killed them all, I rushed to the back yard to look in the pool where I thought everyone would be floating face down....

So much blood you could smell the copper assaulting your nose. No family. I found my step brother in his room where he was trying to hang himself with a belt. I won't go into how my step monster found us! But he was lucky he came home....

Later I found out that my step brother had taken a baseball bat to my half sisters head. You can imagine a head wound and what that looked like coming up on it. We didn't know if she would make it. They thought she was going to lose her eye at the time. I remember telling her not to worry that she could have one of mine ... then she could be like Bowie with two different colors!

Anyway...ghosts are popping up today and I am working my emotions through and feeling more today because my young self had to go into warrior mode and I never really processed it all...I am going to be doing a lot of art around this I think and getting through the reasons I am dealing with this today. To see it through my grown up eyes. To commend myself for getting through it and surviving. For processing the anger I had at the adults in the house that let him BACK in the house and the nights we all slept with our doors locked ... the terror my sister lived through. And years my step monster showing up on my door step with him while my son was a baby, and putting my family at risk, the anger and betrayal... Even later finding out he married a woman with my half sisters  name...and later finding out he killed himself and the relief I personally felt.  Like I said a lot to process.

New Start for a New Year

It was time to get motivated for the New Documented Life Planner Art Journal with my Mountain Bitches! We get together in January to inspire and set up our jouranals!!! So much fun! Another year is starting!  This year I am keeping my planner in the Moleskine again and then Marilyn had made a junk journal and the person didn't want to buy it. So I bought it and I am going to use it for my Art Challenges!

Marilyn hosts us and we get spoiled! I missed Friday because a friends Retirement Party, but we eat, drink and are merry for 2 days...this time I had 1 day but I STILL feel refreshed and ready for journaling!

       


Here is the junk journal that Marilyn let me buy off her!

      

Pressure

I am thinking about all the things I decided to do this year.

So "I" decided to continue doing a yearly Daily Journal Planner again. I bought myself a very pretty Violet Moleskine. Then I bought myself a wonderful Dylusions Journal. I am keeping my Moleskine the planner part and the Dylusion journal as my prompts art journal...

AND I have all those other blank watercolor journals because besides doing DLP, I of course had to add MORE pressure with a monthly class with Tangie AND a YEAR long class Life Book 2015 with all these teachers!!! All I know is I better not flake on this one! I better watch the videos and get some things out of it called finished pieces of art! FOLLOW through is my new art name! Because I cannot waste my money!

Jane Davenport - http://janedavenport.com/
Joanne Sharpe - http://joannezsharpe.blogspot.co.uk/
Jenny Lee Wentworth - http://jennyleewentworth.blogspot.co.uk/
Violette Clark - http://www.violette.ca/
Chris Zydel - http://creativejuicesarts.com/
Danielle Donaldson - http://danielledonaldson.com/
Effy Wild - http://effywild.com/
Flora Bowley - http://braveintuitiveyou.com/
Alisa Burke - http://alisaburke.blogspot.co.uk/
Jessica Swift - http://www.jessicaswift.com/
Lynzee Lynx - http://lynzeelynx.com/
Jeanne Oliver - http://www.jeanneoliverdesigns.com/
Andrea Gomoll - http://andrea-gomoll.de/
Kristin van Valkenburgh – http://www.kristinvanvalkenburgh.com/
Jill K. Berry - http://jillberrydesign.com/
Alena Hennessy - http://www.alenahennessy.com/
Juliette Crane - http://www.juliettecrane.com/
Jenny Doh - http://blog.crescendoh.com/crescendoh/
Mati Rose McDonough - http://www.matirose.com/
Patti Ballard - http://www.pbsartstudio.com
Rachael Rice - http://rachaelrice.com/
Roben Marie Smith - http://www.robenmarie.com/
Andrea Schroeder - http://www.creativedreamincubator.com/
Lynn Whipple - http://www.lynnwhipple.com/
Donna Downey - http://www.donnadowney.com/

Oh and this WHOLE BUDGET thing...yes, this is the year folks the Gypsy gets out of debt. You can't do retirement in debt. This sucks...I am THINKING about everything I do. I have a spreadsheet. The thing that doesn't suck?  I already PAID OFF a big credit card that has been hanging over me! I now have less than 30% to go and its only January! I am stoked at the changes happening!  

OH and it is the year that the Torino will be restored and running! We decided to do stock and to make her a show car! I am putitng money aside every month and THIS YEAR she will be done!!! I am thinking of having Betty Boop painted on the rear fenders because I named her that when I was 12!  AND she is red!

It is all about GETTING THINGS DONE this year! Including getting rid of my clutter and I want to update my furniture. I want a nice big TV with a nice piece of furniture to put it in and close it off when not in use. I want things taken care of this year! It is time. Most of my stuff is used since I got my divorce 14 years ago, except my bed, and I want new, pretty and comfortable...its time.

DLP 2014

Saying good bye to an old friend to say hello to my new one! I am kinda going to miss my 2014 planner/journal!  I LOVED working in this journal and carrying it around all year!

       

Heart of Gold

My friend Gina Bee sent me her heart! The bigger one is going in a shadow box for a vampire theme!!!
Bonus was the delish skull pin and heart ring!!!!

The first year is over...

I have missed her so much this last year and I still hear her voice...I still want to call and talk to her. I still feel her...

Thinking of Grandma Mary is finished