The Gypsy on Adventure

Storming and facing Grief...Trigger warning

In the class I am taking, Moonshine, the Tarot card pulled for the month of April was the 3 of Swords. Another reminder that I am NOT facing all of my grief. The biggest fear is that I won't be able to bear it. Which is stupid because my entire life has been about bearing grief. I have a right to my pain. I have a right to make decisions based on the VERY REAL reality of things that were done to me. I have a right to self-care and I make VERY SOUND decisions, I weigh things out, I research, I put an inner light on any issues. I CAN TRUST MY DECISIONS.  You may want to bypass reading this, I am basically writing it out to work it out again.

Head Games - and not the Foreigner song!

I have been on a journey of getting healthier since June of 2018, I joined WW and I am grateful for their workshops and app, I have been able to lose 27 pounds so far. I am back in my normal fat clothes and I am so excited about that. I tried losing weight on my own, but I have no thyroid and I struggle. I have always eaten really healthy, I love vegetables and fruit, but I also love Cheetos! LOL I haven't had any Cheetos and I gave up my Dr. Pepper. (that addiction was lifelong) But I really want to age as well as I can. My stats are all great, my blood work is good, and I FINALLY found a doctor who is willing to test my thyroid levels every 3 months to make sure my meds are on track!

Today I had a huge moment of "OH SHIT I am an imposter"! I get so excited with everyone sharing their lives in the workshops, some of my friends were doing a 5K and I signed up for my first 5K!!!   I can walk 2.5 miles without too much pain but then I hit my threshold and pain grips me. So of course today I am all up in my head, worse case scenarios storming! The walk is on Sunday morning! The nice thing was when I mentioned this several friends said, that's ok! I will walk with you! So I am doing it! Putting my pain patches on, wearing good shoes and getting out with a group of other women working on themselves so I am doing my first 5K! Who the fuck am I? I would have NEVER have signed up for a 5K before! I have to say with all the head games my inner critic sends me on I am enjoying learning about the new me!

Every thing I love to do, draw, paint, knit, sew, bead, journal all involves sitting. So I have been really trying to incorporate more movement into my life. So today, even though I feel like an imposter, I am proud of myself for trying something new! And I am laughing at myself because I am still paying for the gardening I did on Saturday!!! I hurt! LOL So Sunday is going to be a mindful walk, meditation that I can DO HARD THINGS!

5 of Cups Reversed

Goals being slain!

I followed through with pulling a Tarot Card everyday last month! I am keeping it up and gleaning some powerful imagery and relating the cards to what is deeply going on in my life. Reading over the March entries, there is a bit of oh that is creepy, but more of that is SO amazing, resonating so strong with the struggles I am dealing with. It was all about my Grief, from my brother's death to wounds from family members.

My last card pulled for March was the 5 of Cups Reversed. Oooooof….all about moving forward from what was lost! Use grief as a force for good feelings of deep compassion and empathy. Thrust into a sacrid realm where the healing  capacity of emotions is allowed to work.  Use the force of grief as a force for GOOD. The cup is carved deeper by emotion which tears at the heart of your being, creating more space then to hold wonder, joy and grace. Deep compassion and empathy.

In my life, when I have dealt with deep soul cutting grief, I have always made the conscience decision to be "Better rather than Bitter". I am "better" for the disasters that have happened in my life. Molding me pliable for deep compassion and empathy for others going through what I have in my life. I believe if we share our stories of pain and how we have overcome it, it does give hope to others in the trenches of that kind of pain. 

Empathy. Ooof… I am an empath. It is painful and hard to be one. Some times I just cut off the chatter of it...other times I listen and move through it. It is exhausting and hard sometimes to feel my own shit because of it. It is the absolute reason why I hate being in big cities and love being more in the country. I don't have all of the bombardment of people hammering at me. Still learning how to ground myself and not be so hypervigilant of what is going on around me. I suppose I am still in denial of it...it was more astounding when I was a kid through the teen years, but I put it away when I had to be more conservative navigating my career years. So it is popping up more and more in my retirement. I could always feel a ripple in the universe and KNOW that something was going on with family members or those close to me...

Time to Revive many things in my life!

I am doing the Artfully Wild Blog Along, the Month of April, I needed a reason to kick start my writing again, even if it is just for me. 

So many radical changes in the last 3 years for me. Things I have learned through this time. I am finally feeling like I am standing on my feet again. Rise like the phoenix!  Allow yourself to flounder. Wander aimlessly. Figure yourself out no matter how old you are.

1. August 1, 2016, I retired from a job I had been at since 1984. How crazy that feels when I hear that out loud! I worked REALLY hard the last five years I was there to make sure that job did not define me as a person when I walked out the door. It now feels like a lifetime ago! Some times I miss the work, it felt meaningful. But I will always have the insights, lessons from humanity, but will most likely always have the hypervigilance that it gifted me! 
2. We packed up our house we were renting for 19 years and put everything in storage, and then took off driving around the country for 5 months. 
3. On September 11th of 2017, we got back home to California. We stayed with some good friends for a month while we searched for our forever house in the Sierra Nevada Foothills. We bought our first house talk about terrifying and surreal, I never thought I would be a home owner! We moved in on October 12, 2017. 
4. May 16, 2018, my baby brother Steve was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer (1 day after his 54th birthday)...I got to see him for a few hours in July, and by December 11th he was gone. (He lived in Joplin Mo so 3000 miles between us). He was my person. The one that never made me feel like an alien. The one that didn't judge me. The one that always had wise words... My brother Chuck thought I had it worse since I couldn't be there, but I have to say, there is no worse its just all bad when you lose someone you love.

Anyway, all those major changes had me pretty much frozen for awhile. Then I was gifted a Life Coaching experience and had 7-8 sessions and started to make plans for my art goals as well as my health and wellness goals! Last year I didn't do my online art classes...and I felt I not only wasted my money, but I didn't get to enjoy the experiences...I was working things out and adjusting to my new life in the Sierra's. And getting my strength back since living in a house that had mold, I was chronically sick.

So this year I got in on Effy Wilds 365 Course! And I wanted to keep up! I drilled down to what I really wanted, and I really want a body work by the end of December 2019!  I have been terrified of painting on Canvas...all those fears of "not being good enough", so I worked on that in my Coaching! Since January I have 3 completed Canvas painted! And starting a new one tomorrow! I am working in my journal and following my classes!

It is a lot of work, soul work! Stuff I would be writing out or obsessing in my brain is coming out on the page or the canvas. This year Effy is having collaborative artists for BOD (Book of Days) and that has been exciting as well. If you want to go deeper in your art work, join us. It has been an amazing experience. She is real. Take her as she is. And enjoy the ride. You don't have to do woo-woo, but there is sure a connection I am experiencing.

Art time

We stayed with Chris and Brian so Chris and I could go to her art meet up. Gail and Cory were there and Brian's sister, Sandra and her best friend Karen! Nice ladies! I worked trying to catch up in my journal. I am so behind! had a little lunch together and just played! It is so nice to meet women and find out you have so much in common!

We had a nice evening with Brian and Chris...before we take off for traveling...

Pressure

I am thinking about all the things I decided to do this year.

So "I" decided to continue doing a yearly Daily Journal Planner again. I bought myself a very pretty Violet Moleskine. Then I bought myself a wonderful Dylusions Journal. I am keeping my Moleskine the planner part and the Dylusion journal as my prompts art journal...

AND I have all those other blank watercolor journals because besides doing DLP, I of course had to add MORE pressure with a monthly class with Tangie AND a YEAR long class Life Book 2015 with all these teachers!!! All I know is I better not flake on this one! I better watch the videos and get some things out of it called finished pieces of art! FOLLOW through is my new art name! Because I cannot waste my money!

Jane Davenport - http://janedavenport.com/
Joanne Sharpe - http://joannezsharpe.blogspot.co.uk/
Jenny Lee Wentworth - http://jennyleewentworth.blogspot.co.uk/
Violette Clark - http://www.violette.ca/
Chris Zydel - http://creativejuicesarts.com/
Danielle Donaldson - http://danielledonaldson.com/
Effy Wild - http://effywild.com/
Flora Bowley - http://braveintuitiveyou.com/
Alisa Burke - http://alisaburke.blogspot.co.uk/
Jessica Swift - http://www.jessicaswift.com/
Lynzee Lynx - http://lynzeelynx.com/
Jeanne Oliver - http://www.jeanneoliverdesigns.com/
Andrea Gomoll - http://andrea-gomoll.de/
Kristin van Valkenburgh – http://www.kristinvanvalkenburgh.com/
Jill K. Berry - http://jillberrydesign.com/
Alena Hennessy - http://www.alenahennessy.com/
Juliette Crane - http://www.juliettecrane.com/
Jenny Doh - http://blog.crescendoh.com/crescendoh/
Mati Rose McDonough - http://www.matirose.com/
Patti Ballard - http://www.pbsartstudio.com
Rachael Rice - http://rachaelrice.com/
Roben Marie Smith - http://www.robenmarie.com/
Andrea Schroeder - http://www.creativedreamincubator.com/
Lynn Whipple - http://www.lynnwhipple.com/
Donna Downey - http://www.donnadowney.com/

Oh and this WHOLE BUDGET thing...yes, this is the year folks the Gypsy gets out of debt. You can't do retirement in debt. This sucks...I am THINKING about everything I do. I have a spreadsheet. The thing that doesn't suck?  I already PAID OFF a big credit card that has been hanging over me! I now have less than 30% to go and its only January! I am stoked at the changes happening!  

OH and it is the year that the Torino will be restored and running! We decided to do stock and to make her a show car! I am putitng money aside every month and THIS YEAR she will be done!!! I am thinking of having Betty Boop painted on the rear fenders because I named her that when I was 12!  AND she is red!

It is all about GETTING THINGS DONE this year! Including getting rid of my clutter and I want to update my furniture. I want a nice big TV with a nice piece of furniture to put it in and close it off when not in use. I want things taken care of this year! It is time. Most of my stuff is used since I got my divorce 14 years ago, except my bed, and I want new, pretty and comfortable...its time.

Altered Cabinet Card Super Hero Swap

I was in a Swap in FreakWerks SO nervous! These are major artists! But I am finally after several mock ups happy with my unconventional Super Hero!

Here were the instructions: Based on this idea by Alex Gross: http://www.alexgross.com/mixed-media/index.html Find a vintage cabinet card. These can be found at antique stores, or on eBay. Make sure it's a cabinet card, and not the smaller carte de visite, trading card size. Cabinet cards usually measure about 4¼ by 6½ inches. Please use a REAL cabinet card, and not something printed from the internetz. Alter your card to turn the figure into a super hero. These can be modelled after comic or graphic novel super heroes, or made up. Please be sure to include somewhere on the card, front or back, your name, and the name of your super hero.

Interesting article

A followup to my post on "How to Write" via Jack Kerouac.  This also hangs on my wall, five feet from where I write at home, it too has Allen Ginsberg's scribbling above and below it from a class I took with the great Beat grandpa back in Vermont, back in the day.

My favorite, that I often pass along as advice to writers and businessfolk stuck on how to say something, or name something, is number 22: when you’re stuck on how to say something, stop thinking about words and think about what you want to say, what it looks like, and say it.

BELIEF & TECHNIQUE FOR MODERN PROSE

LIST OF ESSENTIALS

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy

2. Submissive to everything, open, listening

3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house

4. Be in love with yr life

5. Something that you feel will find its own form

6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind

7. Blow as deep as you want to blow

8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind

9. The unspeakable visions of the individual

10. No time for poetry but exactly what is

11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest

12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you

13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition

14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time

15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog

16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye

17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself

18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea

19. Accept loss forever

20. Believe in the holy contour of life

21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind

22. Dont think of words when you stop but to see picture better

23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning

24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge

25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it

26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form

27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness

28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better

29. You’re a Genius all the time

30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

Setting new goals and getting back

I can't believe this much time has gone by. It was a struggle last year...and this year I have been setting some positive goals for myself like making the time to seek out art friends and just be inspired and together for art. When this time of year comes up, I am conflicted, and this year I decided to get really clear on what it is I want.  And I know I want more art in my life!

• So I am doing some problem solving this time...
• Listing out my UFO's
• Deciding what to keep
• Repurpose or get rid of it!
• Work on something every day! No exceptions!
• Set random challenges for myself, ie setting a 30 day limit for a project using only one theme! Like Birds. Do birds for 30 days. That kind of thing to focus and make my mind problem solve.
• Set limits with myself like using only certain things on a project and see how they go together. For growth!
• I need to give myself new problems to work on rather than sulking in my real life problems.

And the challenge is actually to keep some of my studio space cleaned up. Like the surface of my work areas so I can leave a project out and have room to work! So I have started with my rolling wood surface desk that I can pull out and work on the art and then roll it back away when done, if that is at least open to work on I will work more!

Along with this concept is the other...to place ALL of my UFOs in one area! So I can grab one and just start working on it in order to make progress, if they are hidden away I tend to forget them and never finish them! AND I have a list written on my pink board in order to stay on track with some deadlines! I have two things I am giving myself a deadline for that takes me through the end of March. So getting focused is a must for me or I just don't seem to get things done.

This last year I have been so sad that it is time to really focus and get some of my art out...and not just in my head...I am such a social person that I seem to do a lot better when I surround myself with art friends...so I have to start doing that a bit more as well...

Healing Art Time

Today I just needed to start healing my soul...so I started the Covers for our UGRA Members Books...its a large project, and I have been collecting images to use and now I have painted 5 pages with watercolor and glitter and started to place the images for each person...its going to be a fun project and I hope to have it finished this year!  Then I can really start playing on the Rail again!

Here is a little peak on the process...I am still missing members photos...so I am winging it right now.