For the last nine years we were at camp in the mountains here, and so for the first time, I woke up out of pain! I actually SLEPT at MARS! I got up had a REALLY nice shower and everything was CLEAN! I am not a camping kinda girl, and even though we were in cabins with twin beds at the old place, ah, hotels are my preferred camping! LOL Hey we all have our style! Plus I am so excited, that we could actually SEE because there was enough light in our great room to art without being too dark, even with Ott lights! The building we were in for arting was big enough for us, yet intimate and wonderful. We had a commercial kitchen no stove but a large refrigerator so all my prepping and food was accessible and made it successful for me too. They did have a microwave so if you needed to heat something up you could. Yogurt, berries, my chicken, salad, roasted veggies, angel food cake and truewhip! I was in good shape!
I enjoyed today SO much! I could talk to people and hear everyone and felt like a communion of artists. I know that we all get so inspired by being around each other. AND we share things, and just love on each other! Other experiences were disconnected by more than half the room so this is really cool.
Some of the gals went downtown to do some local shopping. I stayed and worked on my art. That is huge for me, but I am trying really hard to change my relationship with money and things. I have been caught up since January once again trying to fill the hole in my soul with buying...its out of hand and reigning it all back in. I have goals, and one of those IS to get a studio where I can be happy creating in. And I want to address what is happening with me, and not just fill it with stuff I eventually have to get rid of. And do that behavior does not serve me or anyone else. The anxiety is just not worth it. When I am in emotional pain, or fawning I buy people things. That is stopping, I AM ENOUGH, I do not have to fill myself up with things!
Still working on my storming page, just putting all my feelings into this one. Working things out with the paint. Not avoiding what has been happening with me, but facing the truth of things. I have realized I have not forgiven the person that cut my heart out, I feel deep betrayal, abandonment, and some resentment. It was SUCH a shock to my system, I didn't see it coming.
A huge hole in my soul once again torn savagely open. My inner soul is bloody and battered, raw, ugly, torn, broken and left disappointed. Harmed and in a place that will never heal. There is no scar yet, it is still open and raw. I had fought for the very life of this person, I thought we had a special bond that couldn't be broken. I was clearly wrong. I see now that I was truly
"Your Feelings Are Wrong. You Are Bad."
This person's words and behavior had nothing to do with you. The idealization had nothing to do with you. The devaluation had nothing to do with you.
In more or less words, this is the underlying theme of most psychological abuse.
Your jealousy is wrong when they triangulate you. Your needs are wrong when they ignore you. Your heartbreak is wrong when they leave you. Your anger is wrong when you realize what happened.
Afterwards, it makes sense that most people feel very numb. You've essentially been taught to feel shame in place of normal human emotions. The "bad" emotions get stuffed down into this indescribable mess of numbness, shame, guilt, and dread. So life becomes about being "good", proving yourself, and being nice. Becoming the "perfect" person you were supposed to be.
This person's words and behavior had nothing to do with you. The idealization had nothing to do with you. The devaluation had nothing to do with you. You are not meant to fill voids in others, and you are not meant to carry this wound. These old messages that were given to you were not true. Your feelings are not wrong. You are not bad for having those feelings.
Please release yourself of this burden. Link to reference: here
Seriously not easy to shake off! I think this has been my life's work to let go of all of that!
The interesting thing that happened tonight you ask? Well, I live in the Gold Country, and there is lots of talk of many things downtown that are haunted. The Room we arted in has a cellar, and they had a tunnel where they kept the booze, that went to the town brothel. Interesting lore.
My friend Chrissy and I went to our room, and I started to take out my computer devices, and I couldn't find my iPad. My bed was the one on the right and I was standing near the wall. So she said, take everything out of your bag again and I dumped it out on the bed. Not there. She pulled the sheets and blanket back on the side I was sleeping, not there...
Ok, so we decide to go to the front desk and ask them to open up the art room thinking maybe it fell out of my bag, so we tell the manager, (I never thought it was an employee by the way) and she was like, I REALLY have this feeling that it will show up, so I said I am believing that feeling! We walked around the room...nothing...not there. She was nice and gave us a tour of the cellar and stories and then we as we were walking back to our room Chrissy said, "the ghost had time to put it back" and we giggled.
I was kind of bummed about it, but thought relax and it will show up! We get back into the room, and the beds have white bedspreads, and as I walk in first, and sitting ON MY BED where I would have gotten in for the night, IS MY iPAD!!!!! And right where my friend Chrissy was looking and it WAS NOT THERE!!!!
So I go back to the office to let the manager know, and I asked if they have ghosts in any of the rooms, and the girls look at me like WHAT!!!! She has felt things in the room I was in for the art, but not the rooms, so I told her maybe it was attached to me and came back to the room. I didn't feel anything angry or evil, and just a prankster. Then she shared with me that her boyfriend died 4 years ago and she JUST had a reading and was told he is around her and that he is a prankster and likes to do things that make her notice...I was like, hum, maybe he wanted to say hi through pranking me!
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