5 of Cups Reversed

Goals being slain!

I followed through with pulling a Tarot Card everyday last month! I am keeping it up and gleaning some powerful imagery and relating the cards to what is deeply going on in my life. Reading over the March entries, there is a bit of oh that is creepy, but more of that is SO amazing, resonating so strong with the struggles I am dealing with. It was all about my Grief, from my brother's death to wounds from family members.

My last card pulled for March was the 5 of Cups Reversed. Oooooof….all about moving forward from what was lost! Use grief as a force for good feelings of deep compassion and empathy. Thrust into a sacrid realm where the healing  capacity of emotions is allowed to work.  Use the force of grief as a force for GOOD. The cup is carved deeper by emotion which tears at the heart of your being, creating more space then to hold wonder, joy and grace. Deep compassion and empathy.

In my life, when I have dealt with deep soul cutting grief, I have always made the conscience decision to be "Better rather than Bitter". I am "better" for the disasters that have happened in my life. Molding me pliable for deep compassion and empathy for others going through what I have in my life. I believe if we share our stories of pain and how we have overcome it, it does give hope to others in the trenches of that kind of pain. 

Empathy. Ooof… I am an empath. It is painful and hard to be one. Some times I just cut off the chatter of it...other times I listen and move through it. It is exhausting and hard sometimes to feel my own shit because of it. It is the absolute reason why I hate being in big cities and love being more in the country. I don't have all of the bombardment of people hammering at me. Still learning how to ground myself and not be so hypervigilant of what is going on around me. I suppose I am still in denial of it...it was more astounding when I was a kid through the teen years, but I put it away when I had to be more conservative navigating my career years. So it is popping up more and more in my retirement. I could always feel a ripple in the universe and KNOW that something was going on with family members or those close to me...

Old Wounds.

Today, mostly I addressed the feelings that were brought up this week. Any time I talk to my dad, old wounds escape. No matter how old I get the old wounds rear their ugly heads. Even with a good 2 hour conversation 3000 miles apart, the wounds break open again. Always conflict, he tells me he is sorry he doesn't call, I say I know who you are its ok. But really, it's not ok. He tells me he will try to be better at communication with me, and I don't get my hopes up. 

Abandonment. 

I was abandoned at birth...my parents were divorced by the time my mother was 6 months pregnant with me. I am the oldest. I have 2 half brothers (1 living) from my dad, and 1 half sister from my mother and I won't get into all the steps.

But neither of them kept me.

So there are wounds that open up...especially this year, I am raw. Death and painful words do that to me. Before my brother died, the wounds were just scarred but now, they are raw again. Abandonment is hard...it runs the depth of my soul-scarred and bruised just part of my sinews, the muscle memory does not have dementia, the pain is still alive and well and has made me address it almost daily since the beginning of this year when all that pain was triggered by harsh words aimed to harm me...and I hate to admit it did.

On a lighter note Here is Day 2 of the 100 Day Project

I have become obsessed with stencils in my work...these came today:

 

 

 

I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Comments

[Leadonna Fritts]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I have many questions I didn't get to ask my dad before he passed away. He didn't raise me after my mother passed when I was four, he chose his career in the Navy over me. He even tried to justify his actions by telling my third step-mother that he wasn't sure I was even his. I'm glad I didn't live with him, then. We sort of made peace but not all wounds were healed. It's hard.

[Gypsy]

It is hard Leadonna! More for me when going through things that bump up against the old pain.

[Sue Blott]

I'm also sorry for your pain and for the way old wounds can be opened raw. Also for how deep and far reaching some wounds go. Sending hugs. To address your lighter notes, now that I know how to use them better, I too love stencils and you have some pretty neat ones there.

[Gypsy]

Thanks Sue. I think I am just seeing it from a different direction again, another spot to heal. But it just is a good reminder that our voices, with words that are carried, can injure others. When a loved one says things that they cannot take back and leaves a scar...I would still rather get hit physically than the emotional hits.

Stencils are hard! Well some of them! I keep trying new things to pounce them with! But I sure have fallen in love with how they layer up the backgrounds!!!