We can all tell our story's in a different way, we can stop playing victim and choose to be the action hero. Be our own champion!
Over the years I have done a lot of hard emotional work, probed, felt and understood. But this week I had an Aha moment...I realized that although I will never be "whole", there will remain a piece of the brokeness, that I cannot heal it all...that IT IS THE PROCESS...things will come into our lives to mirror what WE need to change within ourselves. And some times we just don't want to face it, so we go into denial until you have such anxiety attacks that you HAVE to deal with it...
So I am dealing with it...I will ALWAYS choose healthy, ALWAYS choose to look at it a different way, ALWAYS try to embrace where I am at the moment. Interesting...because now I am strong enough to see myself as a WHOLE HEALTHY person and I have the tools to do that and I am getting the new tools I need to get passed this small issue.
Connecting the dots is not always easy.
I
believe that the universe brings people into
our lives to mirror what we need to change!
So when I see the old demons rearing their
ugly heads in a new body, I ask myself, What
am I supposed to learn? But I have gotten so
frustrated, thinking that I DID all that old
work, why is it back? It tortured me for some
time, until I realized that I am seeing the
mirror from A DIFFERENT angle! Am I getting
the lesson? Do I finally see another side? My friend Pillar explained this to me, so this time I was ready! She was a gift to me telling me this!
Always, always, always, What can "I" learn from this experience?
Peace comes from surrendering to the fear! Fear is NEVER real. It is False Evidence Appearing Real. When I have walked through the fear, the fire, I have realized that I have not been burned...I was burning in the indecisiveness of my inability to MOVE through it!
So when I look at some of the issues that triggered this anxiety in me, all having to do with loss and the illusion of control, and not having the ability to control my life at work, choices others made for me, and the fact that it is triggering old demons for me, I have to arm myself with new tools. I have to be willing to do the work and be vulnerable. And also to be really honest with myself, when I can see what is happening instead of just feeling it and not being able to verbalize it. And then I have to make a choice.
Some choices that will help me to be more fulfilled at work.
So anyway, what this is getting to is I finally got in to see a therapist...the nightmares are happening every night now, the anxiety is still there in my body, although I am not obsessing too much about my own death at this point...I am still extremely sad about those that I have lost in the last couple of years, and my friends that are currently battling cancer. I am taking a few classes from the Center from Living with Dying and I will grow through all of this.
I have not yet decided if I truly want to be a counselor or not...still probing in that area...but getting closer. I was thinking more on the lines of Law Enforcement Critical Debriefing counseling...and helping those that are dying to pass on in peace.
I am choosing to be happy. I am choosing to heal. I am choosing to grow. I am choosing to face the demons that refuse to die, and embrace them as life long companions, but put them in their place! They will not have free run on my soul any longer.
"They will not have free run on my soul any longer."
OH WOW my Friend, I love this!!! Your words are ringing in my heart. This is exactly what I've been trying to do. It so hard to be positive in this world...or atleast in our world (and you know the path I've been down!!) But our time is limited and I am determined to be HAPPY!
Thank you so much for this posting!!
A dear friend (was my Dad's best friend) of ours was given the news of cancer this past week ... not treatable this week...and yet another part of my heart and past being ripped away. ARGH! So it's been a sad week for sure.
I hope you have a BRIGHT and BEAUTIFUL weekend!! know I'm always here for you!
Posted by: Angie Hall Haviland | Saturday, September 06, 2008 at 08:55 AM
Angie...
Sorry I haven't been around much the last year...I got all caught up in my own battles. I know the path you have been on, which I think made us so much closer through our art, so fast...the recognition of our hearts.
It is hard choosing to be Happy...there was a time that I thought I would die if I was happy! But I broke through that lie, and I was able to achieve happy! You can do it. I find the small things really help me to start the process. A baby's smile, the flower that bloomed, an animal that is silly and unconditional in their love of me...and then I was able to feel it in my body, know the feeling and capture bigger moments! And a powerful thing was that Gratitude journal I started in 2000...it really helped me to see all the things I was grateful for and the joy that came!
I am SO glad I published that entry...I had thought long and hard...and almost did not post it. And then I always think, I don't know people who are really honest about their journey, and we need to be, we need to talk about it or others will feel as lonely as I do on the road. Every one of us have our demons, I choose to talk about it. I believe that with me being open about it, it will help some one else...
AND then the gift this morning...YOUR comment on how it meant some thing to you! That is SO powerful for me! I know that what I am choosing to do IS the right choice!
Posted by: Gypsy | Saturday, September 06, 2008 at 10:03 AM
**BIG HUGS**
Posted by: Dee | Monday, September 08, 2008 at 05:00 PM