We can all tell our story's in a different way, we can stop playing victim and choose to be the action hero. Be our own champion!
Over the years I have done a lot of hard emotional work, probed, felt and understood. But this week I had an Aha moment...I realized that although I will never be "whole", there will remain a piece of the brokeness, that I cannot heal it all...that IT IS THE PROCESS...things will come into our lives to mirror what WE need to change within ourselves. And some times we just don't want to face it, so we go into denial until you have such anxiety attacks that you HAVE to deal with it...
So I am dealing with it...I will ALWAYS choose healthy, ALWAYS choose to look at it a different way, ALWAYS try to embrace where I am at the moment. Interesting...because now I am strong enough to see myself as a WHOLE HEALTHY person and I have the tools to do that and I am getting the new tools I need to get passed this small issue.
Connecting the dots is not always easy.
I
believe that the universe brings people into
our lives to mirror what we need to change!
So when I see the old demons rearing their
ugly heads in a new body, I ask myself, What
am I supposed to learn? But I have gotten so
frustrated, thinking that I DID all that old
work, why is it back? It tortured me for some
time, until I realized that I am seeing the
mirror from A DIFFERENT angle! Am I getting
the lesson? Do I finally see another side? My friend Pillar explained this to me, so this time I was ready! She was a gift to me telling me this!
Always, always, always, What can
"I" learn from this experience?
Peace comes from surrendering to the fear!
Fear is NEVER real. It is False Evidence
Appearing Real. When I have walked through
the fear, the fire, I have realized that I
have not been burned...I was burning in the
indecisiveness of my inability to MOVE
through it!
So when I look at some of the issues that triggered this anxiety in me, all having to do with loss and the illusion of control, and not having the ability to control my life at work, choices others made for me, and the fact that it is triggering old demons for me, I have to arm myself with new tools. I have to be willing to do the work and be vulnerable. And also to be really honest with myself, when I can see what is happening instead of just feeling it and not being able to verbalize it. And then I have to make a choice.
Some choices that will help me to be more fulfilled at work.
So anyway, what this is getting to is I finally got in to see a therapist...the nightmares are happening every night now, the anxiety is still there in my body, although I am not obsessing too much about my own death at this point...I am still extremely sad about those that I have lost in the last couple of years, and my friends that are currently battling cancer. I am taking a few classes from the Center from Living with Dying and I will grow through all of this.
I have not yet decided if I truly want to be a counselor or not...still probing in that area...but getting closer. I was thinking more on the lines of Law Enforcement Critical Debriefing counseling...and helping those that are dying to pass on in peace.
I am choosing to be happy. I am choosing to heal. I am choosing to grow. I am choosing to face the demons that refuse to die, and embrace them as life long companions, but put them in their place! They will not have free run on my soul any longer.