Change...is hard

There has been a lot of stuff going on in my head for months now...and I was just paralyzed with fear. Ever since my best friend was diagnosed with cancer it has shaken me to the core. I have been experiencing more and more anxiety attacks mainly at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I get hit with it. I figure it is because I am FINALLY relaxing for the day. Every time I help a friend to die, or know that a friend is battling cancer I start to fear death when I try to sleep...this is a pattern with me, I think it is just how I work it out in my spirit...So I have made some decisions about my life.

I have to do things that I have control over. To stop the anxiety from taking over my life any more.

It has confirmed to me that those people that are difficult to be around I won't be any more...I knew that, but life is just too short to put up with it...you have to have joy!  The other thing is to be as healthy as I can be. I can choose to change that. I can choose to work through all the stuff holding me back. The main thing holding me back ... my weight.

I seriously cannot stand it anymore.  With the last round of medication I have have gained MORE weight, I am now up to 209 and I am done! I refuse to get any bigger! I have made subtle changes all along, like eating healthy...fresh foods, veggies, fruit, nuts...less and less processed foods...less sugar. However, I have fallen and started to drink more soda again...a down fall of mine...so it will be back to ice tea again this week!

I am starting my MOVING regime since it is nicer outside and light out until about 7 pm I am walking Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Tuesday is Yoga to keep my flexibility and Sat or Sun will be bike riding!  I have to move more!  I am eating less...but it is not helping if I don't do the work of exercising...I may have to get over my humiliation and put the bathing suit on and go swimming! Just do it! So I am a fat old lady...its ok. Work through it and get to the other side!

As discouraged as I am, I have to keep moving, keep motivated, and start to see some changes. I need to loose some weight to help my asthma, and last time I was at the doc the blood pressure was 118/80 which is high for me! I need to bring that back down! They didn't say any thing but I know it is high for me. Plus I can't keep buying new clothes because my stuff doesn't fit right! I am not going up another damn size! I am at a size 18 and I need to get to at least a 14...gawd I would love to be in a 9 but I am aiming for 14!

I feel really sluggish...no motivation...and paralyzed...so if I can stick to this and keep going and start to see some change I think I will be really attaining my goal which is to be healthy. I just do not feel healthy at this size... For instance, today after work the 45 minute walk was a killer. My left knee and shin HURT...my nerve is flaming! My back is killing me...but I am going to hurt anyway...I am just motivating myself to hurt with the movement! Work through the pain and just know YES it is going to hurt now quit being a wimp!  I cannot do core work until I get some of this weight off!

Walking, biking and yoga...good enough for me!

Eating...ONLY fresh foods. And cut out the soda...dum da dum dum!

I hope to start seeing some changes soon!  The photo on the left is the start of my day (my $4 blouse!) and ready for work...the one on the right AFTER my 45 minute walk...where I am saying "Amazed at how much I hurt from just walking for 45 minutes!  Off the meds...feeling the pain...motivation to move and change. I am using the pain as a motivator, not an excuse. So I have to move to try to feel better...small changes add up to a lot of change! We have to be kind to ourselves and motivate ourselves for balance and persistence! Just not give up! Just need to really loose the tummy and extra weight on my joints."

The other area it is coming out in is my creativity...my art. I have been stuck for MONTHS...I have only been knitting...I just have not had the emotional energy for art. And I am getting grumpy now. I am in a dark deep hole and I have to dig out of it! 

Part of that is to DE-CLUTTER...PURGE...get rid of stuff...organize...have my living space be free of the damn clutter! Start to enjoy people over at my house again! NOT to feel shame about the condition of my house. This has to change! I cannot tolerate it in my spirit anymore...and since it is a vicious cycle...don't feel good can't clean...I am going to hurt so I might as well hurt because my house is fucking clean!!!!

New mind frame!

Comments

[Deedee (Antevasin)]

I am so right there with you! If you haven't read A New Earth Awakening, GET IT! I'm soooo enjoying Oprah's classes with Eckhart Tolle on this. I have committed myself to living the Law of Attraction from now on...what a huge difference in my life! I've dropped 25 pounds since then too..YEA!!!!

[Chrysti]

I'm right there with ya girl.

My weigth gain these last few years, eld to me being ultra reclusive, It has far too much power over me. The last 6 weeks, I have spent seriosuly overhauling my life. CHanged eating & excercise habits, organized my house, implementing routines --- it's making a huge difference.

Just know you are not alone!

I'll be in Cali. This August -- no idea if it's anywhere near you though!

[Joy Logan]

ick don't remind me about the weight thing...I am becoming my grandmother lol. I am adjusting to nevr being skinny anymore,but the aging thingie sucks in that way. Think what we know now versus when we were young. "We are woman hear us roar" and don't forget that part.