Ooooosh! Major thoughts.

What a week! I am glad it is over!!! OVER!!! I am a tired gurl!

Today was the swearing in for the New Fire Chief...I was impressed with his 10 page speech...when you think you know someone (I have known him for 18 years) you realize when you hear their heart that you don't know them.

AND it brought up some issues with me...and made me happy for him...but clearly touched on why I always feel inadequate in my life. He talked about how he had parents that were roll models, how they each touched his life in a way that made him excel and believe in himself.

I found it interesting that he was raised by a man who encouraged him and taught him integrity, honesty, and believed in him. He taught him to tell the truth even when it wasn't easy. His mother also was a driving force, who taught him how to problem solve  and was encouraging and was a leader in her own way, after raising 4 children went back to school for a refresher course and became a nurse again at the age of 59...and then became the supervisor of the nursing home where she worked.

A VERY stark contrast to the way I was raised...and I find it interesting how the lack of self-esteem, confidence, and financial security that I don't have... The cheerleaders in our lives...what an impact they can have on us... or the lack there of.

If you have some one always telling you that YOU are the black sheep of the family and you are only 12 years old, how can you be a black sheep what the hell could you have done by the age of 12 TO BE a black sheep? That you will NEVER amount to anything...that you will ALWAYS fail it is interesting how that person will turn out despite the horrible up bringing!

Being abandoned at birth, being raised by my maternal grandmother and her youngest son who was 16 when I was born...boy am I grateful! They gave me the inner strength to survive my mother... To survive the abandonment ... to survive a lot of stuff I won't go into ... lets just say I didn't have an easy life and being young I recreated my family experience in my marriage... I was 18 when I got married...had two kids by the time I was 19 ... and trapped in a marriage that could never be a happy one. I survived 20 years of marriage to a man that couldn't love me...I raised my kids and they had BOTH parents which was an accomplishment to me...even if it was the wrong thing in hind sight...isn't 20/20 vision the best thing in town! eHem!

But I wouldn't change a thing...  I did my best... I always did my best... even when my best wasn't "good enough"... it was all I could do.

I went from being a high school drop out, teenage mother, to a working adult woman who supported a family of up to SEVEN people at a time (I had foster kids) ALL on MY meager salery.

I took a LOT of shit from my ex-husband for going back to school, for getting my GED, for going to a training school, for learning a job skill that supported me the last 22 years. That took care of my family ... "A woman shouldn't work outside the home"...bla bla bla fucking asshole...he forgot to read "A man should not eat if he doesn't work!"

SO I have had my knocks...I just think it would have been interesting to have cheer leaders as parents. People that were truly in love with me, believed in me, and I wonder where I would be. It is an interesting possibility... like when my uncle told me he was sueing my mother for custody when I was 12, but didn't go through with it because he thought it was best for me...he didn't want me to go through the court system... so instead I was stuck with my crazy mother and her fucked up 3rd husband. Gah

It was interesting when he told me that, I had always felt abandoned by him as well. I thought since he had gotten married that he didn't want me anymore...I had NO IDEA he wanted to fight for me until I was in my 30s. It made me feel better to know that. AND it made me dream for a moment of how my life would have been SO very different...I think I would have graduated from a collage!

But I don't regret anything. Without all of my experiences I would not be who I am today. I would not be where I am today. I would not have the love of my life in my life. I would not be as well rounded... I am happy with myself. I have come to terms with myself and where I come from, where I have been and what I have done in my life!

I have pulled myself up...by myself...and choose great friends!  Just at times I wish I could turn off the video tape in my head...I wish the buttons that set me off where not so hot and I wish the pain could go away. But I have learned that you just have to embrace what ever you are faced with...surrender to it...and come out the other side without bitterness...that is when you know you have grown and are a person with character...

I have integrity. I have a great work ethic. I have gratitude in my life. I have a lot of good things that I would not appreciate if I didn't have such a rough life. I will never feel badly for going through my journey. Its all mine...mistakes, warts, and success...all part of my journey!

We can choose to be different. We can choose to be happy rather than bitter. We can choose a different life at any time we don't feel it is going the way we want it to. We can dream huge dreams and have them come to pass! Never give up.

I guess that this is all coming up because I am thinking of changing the direction of my life. A different career track... and I am nervous because of WHERE I come from. All very interesting thoughts!

Comments

[Beth]

Gypsy, what a great post. I always hated to hear people blame their parents for everything, and here you are acknowledging that you can accomplish great things without good role models. It's like alcoholics who blame their parents' drinking..good god...get a spine people! We all make choices and can get help and guidance if and when we need it. Kudo's to you for always moving forward, when it would have been easier to stay in the hell that you were in. You rock girl! Beth

[Gypsy]

Wow! Thanks for acknowleding that! There are times I have to stop a pity party from coming on...for the most part it turned out ok.

It is hard not to "wonder" but I know that I have no regrets...I have done the best I can do. It is what it is ... good and bad.
Gypsy