Today was the first day I felt ok. So I finished planting my fleurs finally...and gave them a good watering.
Then I bugged Michael to go and take a walk with me, he really didn't want to, and we have been having a hard time connecting lately. There has been so much stress it is waring on us. He went, but he wasn't thrilled...we walked at one of the local parks, and off into the annex, you would never know by the photo we were in town.
I have to start doing something about this weight...so walking is good. I am getting really depressed about it...the last meds really packed on more weight and I am just not a happy girl, oh sure it goes on fast and takes forever to get off. I am just feeling a bit of despair I guess. And that is leaking into every area of my life. sigh. It doesn't help that my eating has been horrendous lately...comfort foods...rolling my eyes...but when you feel like shit you tend to rely on the comfort foods more.
Every day I wake up I feel the pain again...so far it is going away once I am awake but none the less I am feeling it sneak up again. I haven't been sleeping again...the obsessive thoughts are haunting me again...and death is chasing my ass when I sleep.
I have to really stop the inner talk that I do. Lately I have really caught myself being mean to myself...and I really believe it is all connected. Mind, body, spirit. Connected. And I have caught myself over the last few months sinking back into old patterns of self-loathing. I find that a lot of times this happens when I start to feel that I have no control over my life ... and I am really feeling that pressure. But instead of the self-loathing pattern, I have to find another outlet for my inner rage.
AND I have found the ghosts of the past have been biting my ass lately. Now, there are a lot of triggers that will do this for me, but lately again, it is the out of control of anything in my life thing! And when I feel that way, I start the descent into depression, and then being paralyzed...I am there.
I can really tell because I have no energy...my house a REAL disaster...and I don't have the energy to address it. I am over whelmed by the clutter and disarray. And it is the outer picture of what is going on with my inner talk. I feel the vicious cycle rotating again...yup feeling sorry for myself. This is really not a good thing and I have to get away from these old habits and replace them with something good!
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