I have been completely obsessed with death lately.
I notice that when things get chaotic around me, and I start to feel real anxiety, death comes up a lot in my psyche.
Many facets of things are bringing it to the forefront of my brain, and resonating in my very sinews, the research for the Death Card, the various changes happening in my life that has brought high anxiety. The fear of having lost any faith I had, where the hell do I really believe I go when I die? The ultimate question...what happens after you die...and the suffocating fear of it all. My girl friend battling cancer, my colleague's being killed, the crushing brutality of life, and the overwhelming sadness I feel.
Last night it was REALLY hard for me to sleep...I obsessed with death...I did the dance of death and anger. I reasoned...I fretted...I sighed...I cried...I worried...and I finally fell asleep just in time to get up...Remembering that there is nothing you can do about death, you can't change it.
This is the problem with PTS...it clamps onto your ass and doesn't let go. When things get this crazy I start to have the feelings of deja vu and that causes anxiety...it is a feeling of impending doom. When things are final...change out of the blue...one minute your life is normal and the next it is irrevocably changed forever...it is hard to let go of the fear...but that is exactly when we need to let go of it...we never have control, control is an illusion.
One thing I have heard about death, from the experts, is you die the way you have lived. That is an interesting concept for me. Do you fight your life and therefore fight your death? Or do you embrace it? Do you feel joy in your life and therefore leave with a sense of happiness? If you live courageously, do you leave bravely? If you live as a student do you leave as a teacher?