The Gypsy on Adventure

Final Ritual of Death

We were able to pick up Crackers tonight before the vet closed.

I need to find a local place to get a plaque engraved for her box.

Last of the excruciatingly painful steps of the rituals of death and grief.

 

Grieving hard

I am quiet because I am having a really hard time....

We miss our girl. This is the first time we are real Empty Nesters. The house is too quiet. I was owned by that sweet girl for 36 years, in March she would have been 37. She was like one of my kids. But also heartbreaking is the bond that WGB and Crackers had. She loved him so much! True story, the first year we were living together and he went to Montana to visit his family, he had to talk to her EVERY DAY or she would not eat! Same with my oldest cat at the time, they refused to eat until he talked to them.

Good Bye Sweet Girl

We are devastated.

Cracker's died this morning at 10:00 am.

March 1984 -December 19, 2020

Lettering Art

Well, Diana, from Discovery of Witches didn't need fancy technology to find one! Giggle

Seriously this is pretty cool!

Ruin beauty

The photos of this submerged city just moves me...do you ever feel ghosts trying to talk to you, sad this is covered by a dam.

It just seems to have some stories that should be told.  I was struck by it's beauty.

On-line Art Conference

The 3rd Annual Wizarding Artist Society Conference was Thursday, October 1 through Saturday October 3. Each day there was a 3 hour live zoom class. Some of the exercises were easier than others. It is designed not to finish all the work during the 3 days, but that inner perfectionist is annoyed I couldn't complete it... Here are some of the drawings...from Saturday, I haven't taken photos of all of them. I also want to finish them more. I had a real problem with one drawing just because I am dyslexic...so I will try it again.  

I have been doing Tangie's lessons for years! And always have fun! If you are interested:

https://journalingthemagic.com/

These made me so happy! You can tell they are a time spinner! What I love about Tangie is she gets us to play, and she had us using pen to draw these...no pencil first except the hour glass. So there is wonkiness but I love it!

And the Dapple Grey Mare on the candy is my Patronus. These are still in progress but a lot of fun! We HAD to have chocolate because of the Dementors we were drawing!

The technique for the Dementors is something I REALLY need to practice, but I am loving the journey!

 

 

 

 

 

 

T.I.M.E. and other concerns of the day

This Summer has been rough...I read an email from ToniandKim.com today and this was near the end of it, and I thought it was thought provoking and needed today.

As humans, we are all a work in progress. Life right now is extremely complicated. There is no manual for it.

1. Examine your daily life right now. What brings you joy? How can you add a little bit more of that feeling into your day?
2. What is one thing that you can remove from your day that will make it even just 1% more enjoyable? (For me, it was Facebook!)
3. Put your hand on your heart and close your eyes. Breathe in and out, slowly, 5 times. Ask your heart: What part of you needs tenderness right now? What exactly does it need? What is one thing you can do to nurture it?

1. Ah, what brings me joy? That would be my partner! He is amazing and loving, and adores me. And looking out my window to see all the wild life at our home. And what brings me joy is feeding the birds. We both make sure that there is enough water for the foxes, rabbits, wild turkey's and deer that come through our yard every day. That brings us both such joy.

2. What is the one thing I can remove from my day? Several. Remove the Doom-scrolling, not listen to the news every single day, and minimize time on Facebook, literally shut the window of Facebook down so I don't get any notifications. 

3. What needs tenderness?  I need to exercise, and my choice of exercise is usually walking, in Covid isolation I stopped walking, and a month ago when all the wildfire smoke invaded our ridge, I stopped walking...so now I seriously have to fix this part of my life. Movement. 

I was listening to Jay Shetty today on Amanpour and Company, how to cultivate a monk mindset. How he was speaking today was simple, using the word TIME to remember what you need to do every day.

Thankfulness:  Not just journal about it, but follow through and tell someone that you are grateful for them in your life. Express it to a person. Share that thankfulness.

Inspiration/Insight:  Read something that you are learning from, or that favorite quote out of a book. For me recently it has been Mary Oliver poems, and Rumi.

Meditation:  Be present in the body and mind. Communicate with your body and mind at the same time, centering yourself.

Exercise:  Sex, Yoga, Dance, Tai Chi, Walk...bedrock of the practice is movement.

(Today I walked more than I have in weeks, so I am starting the journey again)

Practice my breathe. Breathe is with us from the moment we are born until the second we die. Breathe and our emotions are interconnected. When we have something good happen to us it takes our breathe away. When something bad is happening we stop breathing for a moment. Connect to your body and breathe, hand to heart and breathe in for 5 seconds.

Then Jay said to ask yourself every day, "Have I made Time?" 

So simple, right? Then you would think more of us would be doing this. Today I am starting my simple practice. I think this sounds profound and life opening. I think it will help me not to be so judge-y in my life and focus on the things that expand my life. In this anxiety ridden political climate smack dab in the middle of Covid isolation, civil unrest, and the passing of RBG is too much. I have to stop doom-scrolling...I have to let it flow through me like water and not let it all stick to me. I catch myself breathing shallow or holding my breathe. I need to work on this.

The beautiful Sphynx cat that we found on our property yesterday, update. We got up, and brought the cage into the kitchen, fed her again, talked to her, played with her. At 10:30 we went to our appointment at Mother Lode to see if she had a chip. No chip. I was getting worried...we were going to take her to Sammies no kill shelter 5 minutes but the owner saw our flyer and called WGB!!! The family two doors down from us, SO happy he contacted us!! And his little girl was happy to have Mousey back! So stinkin cute! I tried not to be judge-y when he told us they let her outside every day, since she could be a nice snack for those big turkey vultures or the coyotes, foxes and big cats we have around. I hope this scared them enough to keep her inside. Mousey is a sweet, sweet soul.

 

 

 

 

 

And the bad air quality came back today. I was SO joyful yesterday with blue skies nad no smoke smell. I feel a little more sad today, I cannot take days of the gloom again! But the injured Jay bird is still getting stronger, she lays down funny on my deck though. But she is so pretty. I have fallen in love with her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally took photos of my recent Hobonichi pages before I journal in them:

Finally change

THIS was so needed! We had not seen a blue or clear sky since August 17th! This was late in the afternoon, and I am hoping that tomorrow when we wake up it will remain blue skies. We SO needed a change!

 

Deliberate steps...

What have you been doing to get through this shitstorm of a year? For me, one of my greatest joy's is watching our wildlife around our home. And I have become fond of the Jay birds. This one is having issues, I think she may have broken her leg. But they look better than they have in the last 3 days. I make sure to have water and food she can reach on the deck and she is surviving and still flying.  And the sweetest was the mate came down on the deck and fed her a worm! Super sweet to see. They are taking care of each other! I really hope she makes it! (you can see him flying off on the right side...he didn't stay still long for me).

Dealing with the smoke:

We have been doing this with our box fans the last 3 days and it has helped. My eyes and ears are still itchy though. But I am glad we are doing this, it has really helped...we are not coughing as bad as we were.

https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/blog/how-to-diy-an-air-purifier/

Tarot Spread for New Moon in Virgo

The tarot spread layout was in one of my online classes, by Shinjini Mehrotra, you can find her on her website: https://moderngypsy.in/free-classes-resources/ 

My draw today:

 

 

 

 

 

1: The World

An Auspicious period. You have achieved success in your endeavor. Walk in harmony with Mother Earth. Gather your Tribe and give your best.

2. Justice

Principle of consequences. You reap what you sow. Reclaim your power. Take an honest inventory of your life, acknowledge your successes and defeats.

2. Princess of Swords

Dazzle in the delights of your ambitions. Pay attention to your surrounds. Question your reality. Keep an open mind.

3. Judgement

Heading the call of a higher purpose. A resurrection, the rebirth of a new personality. Forgive yourself and other. Be the visionary you were made to be.

3. Queen of Pentacles

Nurturing yourself and the environment around you. Be open to the needs of others. Distribute the wealth you have equally among others. Channel your gifts to create new life.

4. Queen of Cups

Open to sensuality. Seeker of desires and potent pleasures. Rich empathy, creativity and understanding. Emotional intelligence.

Oh and what card did I pull again from the Oracle deck?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Denial....hum...what is this about?

Art:

I noticed today a new watercolor class on roladex cards. On https://lexigrenzer.com/ website. I love Lexi, when I met her, I swear we were like family! I have cards, and I just have not started to art yet. So I am heavily leaning towards the class. 

 

 

 

Are you missing art festivals where you can find really beautiful handmade items for Christmas? My friend has you covered!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2637208759850849/?ref=share

The password to get into the group is Hallmark

Friendship:

Ah to end the day with a good friends phone call! It is great to hear from her, you know how life is just busy, and this being a rotten year, it is nice to catch up with those you love. So ending the day on a high note.

 

Starting slowly

No changes today. Still smoky. My eye's are burning, my ears are itchy, and the elephant is still on my chest. I would love to see some blue sky soon...tomorrow?

Today's beautiful card was:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The card was pulled after a political talk I was having with WGB...and just reminds me to VOTE. 

Today's Hobonichi pages...(before journaling)

 

Starting where I am.

Begin again.

2020's shit storm and learning to live in a pandemic, civil unrest, crazy politics, and California wild fires, and the hardest, isolation for the last 6 months. I am on a news moratorium...stopping the doom-scrolling, but anxious that I don't know what is going on too. It is a balance.

It is time that I just start again.

I have been journaling, and playing in my Hobonichi planner...doing some drawing but not a lot. I need to pull out the canvas and start painting. Fling some paint in my yearly journal. Find my passion again.

Today there was a small improvement that is giving me hope. We have lived in heavy smoke since August 17th and I have not seen a clear sky since then.

It has tipped the isolation into another level of not coping well. So I decided to begin again. I am pushing myself to start again. Start the blog. Start painting. Start writing. Start living my life again that I have seemed to have lost since isolation.

Right now I am grateful for new beginnings.

Today I received the Oracle deck from Cre8tive Cre8tions. They are beautiful cards, she has been working on them for quite a while. I think I ordered them before the pandemic. My first pull was the card "healing" ... I had a chuckle! Beautiful card.

If you are interested in getting one of her decks or taking one of her on-line classes, they are worth it! She is amazing. You can find her here.

https://andrea-gomoll.de/

Thinking of you

Ah, I have been thinking of you today. You would have been 101 years old, and that blows my mind. You were always filled with incredible life! I miss our long talks and the laughter. Oh how you could make me laugh! I think about all the December 31st that we talked and laughed, even the year I was in labor thinking I might have a baby on your birthday! You even made me laugh then! I miss you. I will always miss you. It is hard for me to accept that you have been gone for 8 years. 

365 Days

2000

I cannot believe that you died 365 days ago, or that it has been 595 days since we had a decent long conversation on the phone. I miss our long talks. The way we would laugh. How you knew what to say when I was really down. This year has been painful and I finally feel like I am coming out of the dark finally. But part of me is still numb, still angry and still find it hard to believe that you are gone.  It is strange being in a world without you.

It is weird not hearing about the music you are putting together or the crap going on between the guys you are trying to shape up into a band, or that you could be a millionaire, or a used car salesman...  I miss your laugh.

Awareness and Change

The good and bad thing about things coming up and being revisited is to re-evaluate my behaviors and old patterns. And seeing it with some ah-ha moments, that I didn't fully comprehend before. And trying to set up a plan to succeed and not slip back into old habits that do not serve me anymore. And to get rid of the shame I feel about money and finances. This stems from many things, including trying to fill the hole in my soul, and I know that no matter how many 'things' I buy, it will not fill it. I cannot fawn over people anymore, trying to 'give' them things in order to show them I love them.

Unfortunately both my grandmothers did this behavior, and yes, you do get a rush, or a relief from the pain when you shop, but you are left feeling other things in its wake. So I am learning to thank that behavior and say no, I have everything I need, and people love me without me buying them things. 

Over the last 5 years I have made an effort to prefer experiences not things. People not things. And financial health and well-being connection. Acknowledging the struggles and embracing the changes.

 

 

 

 

I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Dreams and terrors

This morning I have been a wreck! I am so upset about Notre Dame Cathedral's fire. I am upset with myself that I didn't go to Paris before this...to never see it, like it was yesterday, I am devastated. 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

MARS day 3

The last day of the retreat is always hard, do a little work then clean up and leave...Saying good bye to everyone and going home to unpack.

I have an art hangover. And my body is vibrating and trying to put all my art supplies back where they go and do some art is hysterical! Not able to focus! (my word of the year) So its time to kick on some show and chill.

Sun filled joy tending day MARS Day 2

For the last nine years we were at camp in the mountains here, and so for the first time, I woke up out of pain! I actually SLEPT at MARS! I got up had a REALLY nice shower and everything was CLEAN! I am not a camping kinda girl, and even though we were in cabins with twin beds at the old place, ah, hotels are my preferred camping! LOL Hey we all have our style! Plus I am so excited, that we could actually SEE because there was enough light in our great room to art without being too dark, even with Ott lights! The building we were in for arting was big enough for us, yet intimate and wonderful. We had a commercial kitchen no stove but a large refrigerator so all my prepping and food was accessible and made it successful for me too. They did have a microwave so if you needed to heat something up you could. Yogurt, berries, my chicken, salad, roasted veggies, angel food cake and truewhip! I was in good shape!

I enjoyed today SO much! I could talk to people and hear everyone and felt like a communion of artists. I know that we all get so inspired by being around each other. AND we share things, and just love on each other! Other experiences were disconnected by more than half the room so this is really cool.

MARS Retreat

Before I could get to the retreat, I am grateful for my tax return, because it paid to finally fix my Monte Carlo! The damn thing had an ignition switch problem that screwed up my heating and air! So I couldn't defrost or cool myself off! UGH AND I am grateful it wasn't the blower! 

The guy at the dealer took a double take on the mileage! He was like, REALLY? Its only at 54K and its a 2000, he said it is in great condition. I told him when I bought it 2009, it was at 12K and he said, so you haven't put much on either! LOL I guess not. A couple of issues but nothing that has to be addressed right now! I told him I always think of it like a Grandma Car...he said, um, no this is a little hot rod! I said, um no! My Torino IS a hot rod!  WGB always tells me I underestimate the car, I just feel CONSERVATIVE in it.

But now I am no longer dependent on WGB to drive me around! AND I get my independence back! I hate to have to rely on anyone! I am happy to share my life with him, but like my independence!!!  Plus I forgot how to drive!  Not really, but its been way too long. So I had a little stressful start to the weekend but grateful to have my car back and fixed! And looking forward to driving!

This morning I finished prepping all my food, and buttoned up the packing. It's Retreat time! Twice a year my art tribe gets together and puts on the Mountain Artist Retreat Sleepover! This is our 10th year!!! We do it Bi-Annually and this year we are Uptown Girls! We lost our normal camp and decided to upgrade to a fancy hotel with a conference room! Best decision ever!

I brought less stuff than last time, each one I learn to bring less and less! AND my suitcase was half full for the clothes and shoes. 2 bags of supplies to create. And 2 bags of food. Next time I am aiming for 1 bag of supplies. (lucky I live in town!) WGB went back home picked up my computer chair and brought it back for me, it saves my back. Sitting in tiny chairs that are uncomfortable all weekend would have me hurting too much. SO grateful for my boyfriend, the love of my life. Even my tribe noticed I was cutting back on what I brought! Living closer makes it SO much easier! If I really need something, I could go home and get it!

I am still storming, grappling with all the stuff coming up since January. I am really tired of repressing my anger, disappointment, the fact that my soul was torn in savage way that I did not deserve. My inner soul is bloody, raw, ugly, torn and broken. And in the midst of that, I have not addressed the grief of losing my brother. 

I am truly trying to F E E L what I need to F E E L. Every day I still pull my Tarot card for the day, and I have to say it has been right on each day! Feeling more comfortable with my deck again, its been too long since I practiced. I am enjoying this journey. It is following all the storming I am feeling. I know that this will change me but I am no longer dreading it, or fearing it!

And for my 100 Day Project Watercolor washes and quotes, my talented friend Lindsay taught me Colusa Skies! A watercolor technique she does and it is perfect for my watercolor washes and quotes. This is why I love getting together with the tribe, we inspire each other, encourage one another, and love each other! 

I have to say I love these watercolors as well! They are quickly becoming my favorite for washes! They are creamy and large enough to fill my brush easily.  

Remember we are all working on things we want for ourselves, and I am remembering that this month my job is to confront and Grieve my Grief!

I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

 

 

Storming, Meditation and Acknowledgement

I get annoyed when I face the same issues over and over and over again, maybe in a different form, or a different human being, and I think why is this coming up again? I have done the work. I have done HARD work. I am vigilant about making sure I don't get stuck in one place. That I grow. That I learn. That I let go. That I encourage BETTER within me.  And I was talking to a friend about this a couple of years ago. I was blown away by what she said.

I am always in my head and I was talking to her about some painful memories and how sick I was of dealing with this shit every few years. She was SO wise! She told me her theory, that every time we see the issue again, we are seeing it from another angle, we see more of the lesson we learned, a deeper meaning, a deeper healing. That was an AH-HA moment for me. It made sense and it resonated with me.

I am just seeing these things at another angle...

As for my grief...I saw this and it resonated.

 

Continuing to work on my Storming pages in my journal. It is cathartic, and also touching on so many more things that I have survived. The key word SURVIVED. That is amazing all in itself, but not being bitter is one choice at a time.

Side note:

cathartic noun
ca·​thar·​tic | \ kə-ˈthär-tik
adj.Inducing catharsis; purgative.
n. An agent for purging the bowels, especially a laxative.

THAT just struck me as funny and couldn't stop giggling, because that is what happened last night after writing my last post!

I have always had the feeling that I was an alien, that I was the only abby-normal one.  Most of the people that I have run across in my life, has had a very different experience than I have. When people tell me they have had a great experience with their parents, that they were truly loved and happy, I am SO grateful they did!  But the beauty of being willing to be vulnerable and talk about issues, I find more and more, how my experiences relieve others, they don't feel alone after I open up. They may not have the same experience, but they experience pain. And it goes to show me that I am not different...or abby-normal. Every human being has pain they have to deal with.

I have been working on my grief with my brother, doing a lot of writing. And some painting. Watching some class videos and taking things easy today. Some down time after my post yesterday all my feelings. Just watching the birds today and enjoying our home. I love that I wake up in a cloud forest and then the beautiful day comes in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Storming and facing Grief...Trigger warning

In the class I am taking, Moonshine, the Tarot card pulled for the month of April was the 3 of Swords. Another reminder that I am NOT facing all of my grief. The biggest fear is that I won't be able to bear it. Which is stupid because my entire life has been about bearing grief. I have a right to my pain. I have a right to make decisions based on the VERY REAL reality of things that were done to me. I have a right to self-care and I make VERY SOUND decisions, I weigh things out, I research, I put an inner light on any issues. I CAN TRUST MY DECISIONS.  You may want to bypass reading this, I am basically writing it out to work it out again.

Excitement and Prep

Recovery day with a little self-care. Pain patches, hot coffee and checking out my birds this morning and the woodpeckers were being jerks today! But then I got a visit from the sweet and calm yellow bird.

 

Spent the day doing my Sweet Trash Journaling, making sure all my class notes are in. And reading, reading, reading. Tomorrow I will spend some time actually doing some work in my journal, like painting!

I have been prepping for my bi-annual MARS retreat, "Mountain Artists Retreat and Sleepover", we spend 2 nights and 3 days together where we all art it up and enjoy each others company! This time, we have so few ladies, we are going to be in a local Hotel and have access to the pool! So I am bringing my swim suit!  Relaxing. Drinking some wine, and painting! We meet up at Noon on Friday and don't go home until Sunday afternoon. I am SO looking forward to this! I am just going to pain in my journal and do some embroidery if my hands behave.

There is nothing better than art friends to lift your spirits, provoke you to be more creative, and laugh. I need to do some reflection on my grief, and see if I can get it to pour out of me this weekend, and really address it rather than deny it.  I have really been afraid of "going there", like I won't be able to stop the flood once it starts. 

I have been sketching out some new Mind Maps...as a pre-plan for all my goals...and how to get through all I want to get through this year with my art and my health. So I may focus more on that during the weekend if I have time. All I know is I need a big reset! 

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Feeling all accomplished

Last night I had a sleepless night. I was fretting over the 5K walk for this morning. My head was storming. WTF am I doing? Am I capable of walking the 3.5 miles? I usually hit the wall at 2.5 that I do every day.  My friend and I got there late, so we aren't in the group photo, but I didn't care we met up with our friends and we walked 3.75 miles!!!! I walked with a new friend and she was as slow as I am so we were a good match! We didn't stop for any breathers, we walked for 91 minutes! And just like that all the fears gone, and I FINISHED my FIRST 5K walk!  It made me closer to my friends who were walking with me, it made me happy that I could do HARD things! Accomplishment! And I have the T-shirt to prove it! I still cannot help but find beauty on any walk, I saw some birds, the cemetery to remind us to live our lives to the fullest every single day because life is short, and beautiful flowers! I love that so many of my friends were there and showed up for themselves too! 

 

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

 

 

 

          

Sweet boring

Oh! my new Sketch book came today!!! They ARE great for Sweet Trash! I wish I had started it in January, but that is ok, 1 in a composition book is fine, but man do I love this SO much!!! 

  I love this size of this book, I just cut some of the margin out of the page and can glue the entire PDF for the class inside, there is room for notes, I can sketch in it if I want to. I love the feel of it. I cannot do watercolor in it but this is for sweet trash...with all my feelings and notes. It just made me happy today! The other item that came was my new Tarot deck Crow Tarot. I love the imagery but the Starman is still my go-to deck right now05/100 of 100 Days Project, and a screw up with my pen when I was making the circle...but it is what it is...and I am moving on.

05/100 of 100 Days Project, and a screw up with my pen when I was making the circle...but it is what it is...and I am moving on. I am using the sparkly watercolors. Maybe I will actually have a decent one by the time the 100 days are over!

 

 

 

I was working in my journal today and trying to just let it be ugly, you know, how art has to go through ugly stages to get to where you want it to be? I am there right now. Lots of more work to do on it but I am glad I am back to working in my journal. What I am loving about this process is the doing of the work, not questioning the outcome, just getting the paint to go where I want it to, layering the work, being PATIENT which I am not very good at and letting it dry and being consistent in my process. I put together an art journal play list of some music and just hit this morning. I am getting more comfortable in how I want to approach the process.

Today on my walk we saw a few deer, they were across the street, but I love seeing them. We live on a relatively flat street and no traffic. It is a great walking street and lots of people who live here have dogs and so its a great dog walking street! It is about a mile long if we do the entire street. And I love hearing the birds, the quiet and seeing the wild life. This time of year we can hear the frogs singing. I am at peace where I live. It is a nice contrast to my before life.

View on my walk

My back view

Front of the house trees are finally blooming

Love when the trees get leaves again

View on my walk

Lets hope I can get some sleep because first thing in the morning is my FIRST 5K! 

I spent most of today Binge watching Sabrina Season 2 on Netflix....I love to binge but hate when it is over!

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Day of research and cleaning

04/100 100 Day Project

I have been slacking I really need to work in my journal. I don't like how my 100 day project is looking I need to change it up..

 

 
I'm blogging along with Effy Wild in April. If you'd like to join the Facebook group to read the rules, go here!

Head Games - and not the Foreigner song!

I have been on a journey of getting healthier since June of 2018, I joined WW and I am grateful for their workshops and app, I have been able to lose 27 pounds so far. I am back in my normal fat clothes and I am so excited about that. I tried losing weight on my own, but I have no thyroid and I struggle. I have always eaten really healthy, I love vegetables and fruit, but I also love Cheetos! LOL I haven't had any Cheetos and I gave up my Dr. Pepper. (that addiction was lifelong) But I really want to age as well as I can. My stats are all great, my blood work is good, and I FINALLY found a doctor who is willing to test my thyroid levels every 3 months to make sure my meds are on track!

Today I had a huge moment of "OH SHIT I am an imposter"! I get so excited with everyone sharing their lives in the workshops, some of my friends were doing a 5K and I signed up for my first 5K!!!   I can walk 2.5 miles without too much pain but then I hit my threshold and pain grips me. So of course today I am all up in my head, worse case scenarios storming! The walk is on Sunday morning! The nice thing was when I mentioned this several friends said, that's ok! I will walk with you! So I am doing it! Putting my pain patches on, wearing good shoes and getting out with a group of other women working on themselves so I am doing my first 5K! Who the fuck am I? I would have NEVER have signed up for a 5K before! I have to say with all the head games my inner critic sends me on I am enjoying learning about the new me!

Every thing I love to do, draw, paint, knit, sew, bead, journal all involves sitting. So I have been really trying to incorporate more movement into my life. So today, even though I feel like an imposter, I am proud of myself for trying something new! And I am laughing at myself because I am still paying for the gardening I did on Saturday!!! I hurt! LOL So Sunday is going to be a mindful walk, meditation that I can DO HARD THINGS!

5 of Cups Reversed

Goals being slain!

I followed through with pulling a Tarot Card everyday last month! I am keeping it up and gleaning some powerful imagery and relating the cards to what is deeply going on in my life. Reading over the March entries, there is a bit of oh that is creepy, but more of that is SO amazing, resonating so strong with the struggles I am dealing with. It was all about my Grief, from my brother's death to wounds from family members.

My last card pulled for March was the 5 of Cups Reversed. Oooooof….all about moving forward from what was lost! Use grief as a force for good feelings of deep compassion and empathy. Thrust into a sacrid realm where the healing  capacity of emotions is allowed to work.  Use the force of grief as a force for GOOD. The cup is carved deeper by emotion which tears at the heart of your being, creating more space then to hold wonder, joy and grace. Deep compassion and empathy.

In my life, when I have dealt with deep soul cutting grief, I have always made the conscience decision to be "Better rather than Bitter". I am "better" for the disasters that have happened in my life. Molding me pliable for deep compassion and empathy for others going through what I have in my life. I believe if we share our stories of pain and how we have overcome it, it does give hope to others in the trenches of that kind of pain. 

Empathy. Ooof… I am an empath. It is painful and hard to be one. Some times I just cut off the chatter of it...other times I listen and move through it. It is exhausting and hard sometimes to feel my own shit because of it. It is the absolute reason why I hate being in big cities and love being more in the country. I don't have all of the bombardment of people hammering at me. Still learning how to ground myself and not be so hypervigilant of what is going on around me. I suppose I am still in denial of it...it was more astounding when I was a kid through the teen years, but I put it away when I had to be more conservative navigating my career years. So it is popping up more and more in my retirement. I could always feel a ripple in the universe and KNOW that something was going on with family members or those close to me...

Fear...just have to walk through the fire

Day 2 of 31 days of blogging with Effy

Part of my art anxiety was actually doing paint to canvas. That whole, who the crap do I think I am, an artist? Yes, I have always thought of myself as an artist. No I am not van Gogh but I enjoy working in paint, I enjoy the art I do. Honestly, I don't care if I ever sell a thing, it IS the process of creating art that fills my soul up!

View from the side of my house

Dream She-shed

Part of my frustration has been not having a studio. When we moved into our forever house, I compromised with not having an out building, and a smaller home to stay within our budget, I don't want my studio IN my house. I create a mess and like to leave it...too long. Also, I want to keep our guest room a place for people to come and visit us. In our last place my studio/family room got way out of hand, I lost 3 girl friends and inherited some of their supplies plus mine and I was completely overwhelmed until we moved. I stopped having people over because the house was old, and it looked like a hoarder lived there.  Plus, inside our house, they put new carpet before we moved in...so I didn't think of painting inside the house. But I have been here over a year, and I am no closer to getting my She-shed studio, 90% of my stuff is still in the storage pod.  

This will be my view when I get the She-shed up. They are more expensive than I thought they were, and I am going to look into them building it on a trailer frame. For 2 reasons: 1 if we move I can take it with me, and 2nd, if it is on a trailer frame it won't be attached to my house taxes being raised.

For the last two years I have only been doing watercolors since it is so portable. I did get my portable art table up near my window, to the incredible view I am SO grateful for! And I have started to paint! On canvas! I have been working in my 2019 Journal as well. So my living room now looks like an artist lives here who is messy! gah...but I can't NOT do extensive art anymore...my soul needs this work.

Time to Revive many things in my life!

I am doing the Artfully Wild Blog Along, the Month of April, I needed a reason to kick start my writing again, even if it is just for me. 

So many radical changes in the last 3 years for me. Things I have learned through this time. I am finally feeling like I am standing on my feet again. Rise like the phoenix!  Allow yourself to flounder. Wander aimlessly. Figure yourself out no matter how old you are.

1. August 1, 2016, I retired from a job I had been at since 1984. How crazy that feels when I hear that out loud! I worked REALLY hard the last five years I was there to make sure that job did not define me as a person when I walked out the door. It now feels like a lifetime ago! Some times I miss the work, it felt meaningful. But I will always have the insights, lessons from humanity, but will most likely always have the hypervigilance that it gifted me! 
2. We packed up our house we were renting for 19 years and put everything in storage, and then took off driving around the country for 5 months. 
3. On September 11th of 2017, we got back home to California. We stayed with some good friends for a month while we searched for our forever house in the Sierra Nevada Foothills. We bought our first house talk about terrifying and surreal, I never thought I would be a home owner! We moved in on October 12, 2017. 
4. May 16, 2018, my baby brother Steve was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer (1 day after his 54th birthday)...I got to see him for a few hours in July, and by December 11th he was gone. (He lived in Joplin Mo so 3000 miles between us). He was my person. The one that never made me feel like an alien. The one that didn't judge me. The one that always had wise words... My brother Chuck thought I had it worse since I couldn't be there, but I have to say, there is no worse its just all bad when you lose someone you love.

Anyway, all those major changes had me pretty much frozen for awhile. Then I was gifted a Life Coaching experience and had 7-8 sessions and started to make plans for my art goals as well as my health and wellness goals! Last year I didn't do my online art classes...and I felt I not only wasted my money, but I didn't get to enjoy the experiences...I was working things out and adjusting to my new life in the Sierra's. And getting my strength back since living in a house that had mold, I was chronically sick.

So this year I got in on Effy Wilds 365 Course! And I wanted to keep up! I drilled down to what I really wanted, and I really want a body work by the end of December 2019!  I have been terrified of painting on Canvas...all those fears of "not being good enough", so I worked on that in my Coaching! Since January I have 3 completed Canvas painted! And starting a new one tomorrow! I am working in my journal and following my classes!

It is a lot of work, soul work! Stuff I would be writing out or obsessing in my brain is coming out on the page or the canvas. This year Effy is having collaborative artists for BOD (Book of Days) and that has been exciting as well. If you want to go deeper in your art work, join us. It has been an amazing experience. She is real. Take her as she is. And enjoy the ride. You don't have to do woo-woo, but there is sure a connection I am experiencing.

Quote

What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist. Salman Rushdie, writer

 

My girl is home.

The Torino was an upscale version of the Ford Fairlane and was originally considered a sub-series of that line. The name”Torino” comes from the city of Turin, which was considered the Italian equivalent of Detroit.

And she is FINALLY home! I took her for a little ride when we got her off the trailer!  I put some gas in her, and just enjoyed learning about her quarks all over again! My sweet 1969 Ford Grand Touring Torino.

100 Faces Project

On July 22nd, I started another 100 day project! This time 100 faces! but you don't have to do one every day...just a commitment to doing 100 faces! Its funny because some of them ARE coming out looking a little like people I know. I am not a "Fine" artist, I am more whimsical...but I am continuing the PRACTICE!!!!

So it just made sense to me that I try to do Bill since he died...

 

Did time stand still? Because it felt like my heart stopped and time stood still.

Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.

It's been an incredibly hard day.

Grateful to have had so many awesome years working with this man...I am going to miss him singing me Happy Birthday the only way HE could, and all the times we would talk and just laugh. I learned SO much from him, and changed my life when he had his first heart attack and open heart surgery I quit smoking...that was 18 years ago...so every day I had with him after that scary event was gravy! This time, from his death, his heart gave out on him, I am making another change, cardio! I had WGB pull my bicycle out and I am going to ride it 2-3 times a week and the other days I am going to walk and hoop! Even in his death he teaches me! 

 

Death cannot take away our memories or our friendship. You meant the world to me. I love you. So many years he was the departments photographer...but he will ALWAYS be the best School Resource Officer we ever had! I love you to the moon and back...I like to think of you telling Jokes with Hugh and enjoying your freedom! Kiss our Ellen when you see her!

 

 

I will always miss you Bill.

 

I remember the day after he retired in 2003 and it felt SO weird to walk into the building without him there! Now it feels strange to walk in a world where he isn’t anymore. And my grief is all over the map!

 

Trying to find my feet again.

100 Days Project April 3- July 11th

Wow! I highly recommend committing yourself at some point, to pick a theme and do the 100 Days Project! It kicked my creative ass! It forced to me try to fix problems. I used a really bad Moleskine book where I wanted to do watercolors! It was awful to work in! I then tried Watercolor Ground for the first time and this project and book FOUGHT ME EVERY SINGLE DAY! But I grew! I grew as an artist! 

The crazy thing, ok I completed my 100 Days of Frida and I learned a lot about her! I learned a lot about how to paint and my technique on faces IS improving! Practice Practice Practice! A few of the examples out of the 100 days.

   

 

 

Frustrated

Some times I just get worn out. Since 2004 I have had bad sciatica. And my ass is killing me again and of course straight down my leg all on the right side...

Still playing phone tag with the PT place...I am sure not in the Bay Area ... I would have been scheduled and already in the office... I guess I will leave a message AGAIN tomorrow....fuck! I love living here but the pace is hard to get used to! Especially when you are in pain.

 

 

Now off to pretend to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ooooh 100 Day Project Starts tomorrow!

Tomorrow starts the #100dayproject. Join in. To play you pick something to do, read, create, research.... whatever for 100 days. I chose drawing Frida Kahlo, because I am taking a class called the Frida Notes and thought this will get me comfortable arting her! #100dayprojectfridakahlo .... draw them, doodle them, write prose, letter lyrics, whatever. Frida Kahlo!! That's it. Join in the fun!!!!
https://www.the100dayproject.org/

Frida was born around the same time of Grandma Carmen, and she was as strong willed as her...so that is why I have enjoyed learning about her..and being inspired by her art...she reminds me a lot of Grandma Carmen....I know a lot of people are over her...but I still find her fascinating...and relatable...

Happy Birth Day to this guy! And Happy Easter!

We had an hour and a half conversation today...there was a couple of silent times as he talked about religion and I had to remind him I wasn't a Christian...but the nice thing is we communicate and let each other just be ourselves! It's a nice place to finally be.

 

Goals and Practices

Life is hard. 

Even when you are in a really good place in your life, life is hard. 

Reminders to myself...I always choose a word for the year, and this year it is two... "Be Kind".

And in January I decided to start meditating again...and being more mindful. I love following Dan Harris Podcast 10% Happier. Have you ever noticed when you make a decision to enrich your life, that all the odds come at you to derail you? And it has happened...my mind gets so cluttered with thoughts from the pain of other people. I have to remember to L E T G O...  Breathe through the hard parts. I cannot change their lives for them, I cannot fix things...I can try to give them wisdom...but it is up to them to take it.

I have been enjoying my kitchen and cooking...feeling a connection to my grandma as I figure out how to really cook. And then I read this today: 

Seriously, Just Chop the Carrot  

• Turning cooking into a mindfulness practice does not require fancy broiling, braising, or basting. We don’t need to have a Michelin star to be a mindful chef—all that is required is our five senses.

• “When you cut the carrot, just cut the carrot,” says Lulu Cook. Don’t mindlessly chop. Notice the colors, smells and sounds, and feel your fingertips as you prepare the food. Paying attention in this way can be nourishing not only to our taste buds, but all of our senses and state of mind.

• Stuffing the closest edible item into your mouth without a second thought to how it got to there is an easy habit to develop. Try taking a mindful moment to reflect on where your food came from, who was involved and the effort it took to make it to your plate. Adding a dash of gratitude into the meal can be a nice seasoning.

And I would add a dash of gratitude for learning how to prepare a good meal...a really flavorful meal...every thing tastes vibrant to me since I started to really cook. It is amazing! I even enjoy leftovers...like this beautiful chicken soup with lentle, barley, leeks, squash and zucchini.  Some how with the preparation of food I meditate and clear the crap that rattles around my head from other peoples noise. I find a connection that is deeper with WGB...in this really great life I have with him. It is the simple rituals of life that are the sweetest.

 

Alcohol Inks

What do you do on a wintering kind of day in March? Have friends over for home made chicken soup and fruit salad, while my friend Judith showed Loretta and I how to play with Alcohol inks!Oooooooh! So much fun! I can see a lot of cards being made! And you can use glossy photo paper! 

 

Another reason to be grateful! Being around your tribe and getting together to play! To be able to share my home and new love of cooking. They had not been able to see the house yet and we were well over due for a visit. 

 

     

 

WGB and I wish you joy flying among the stars! Now you can explore all of the universe!

Around the Mountain and Back

Today we took off and went through Fish tail up to Custard National Forrest and then up through the Bear Tooth Mountain to get into the Yellowstone National Park. (The photos are in albums on the right side of the blog)

I was so happy going through the country and Custard National Forrest, didn't see any animals, but man such beautiful country and mountains. Then we back tracked and went up through Bear Tooth Mountain, which I have to tell you I did not enjoy. It was higher than 12,000 feet! there was a sign that said "The Top of the World" and I believe it! gah! my ear still hurts!

Then down the other side and into Yellowstone National Park, it was wild to go to the park where Ranger's were and we bought a year pass to all the parks! It was like the game National Parks that I play! So fun to be there! This Park is SO beautiful!

So stunning AWE inspiring! Coming off of fear and into this park was jaw dropping! We saw Antelope and Bison!!! This park is massive! I am so happy we were able to go.

High Maintenance Day

Today we got up early and drove into Billings for the 2nd time in a row, but this time was partly to get my eyelashes taken off. They started to get really crunchy and I was glad to find someone that could take them off...it is the same gal that is going to do my eyebrows! I am glad that I can get some maintenance on the road...and the sweet thing is WGB just keeps telling me to be myself and be natural! I love him but I have my limits! giggle  Afterwards we took Barb to lunch at Applebee's...great day but long. When I got home I uploaded my may pages to facebook and called it night.

Natural Bridge Falls MT

17 years ago WGB took me to see these falls and it was not flowing as good as it was today. This is truly a beautiful spot in Montana especially when the water is flowing from the snow run off. WGBs sister Lisa, and her husband came with us with their mom and dad. Beautiful little hike and photo op! Afterwards we had a nice dinner.

I am uploading the photos in an album you will see on the right side called Natural Bridges Falls

Fish tails

 

Today we took a little trip out to an auction, before we got there we went through Fishtail MT and took some photos of the fish tail sticking out of the building!!! I so want to get a fish tail for my studio when I get a home!  It was fun watching the auction,WGB tried to buy me the ORANGE fiesta ware that they had!  But it went over what we were willing. Man it was fun seeing the Orange!

An amazing event was on the way I saw a Bald Eagle flying and as SO close to us! I could really see him! he was HUGE! In real life! HUGE!  gave me goose bumps!

We went to dinner at WGBs sisters place the Thirsty Turtle, with some of his dad's friends. I don't know why  I let my insecurity get to me, I always feel so damn judged...they kept saying how rich we were...this just showed me how some people will always judge us, because we are from California; and worked in government, even if it was local government people don't like it.  I won't apologize for where I am and at what age I am, I worked my ass off and we all make choices in our lives. WGB and I do better together than we would by ourselves, and I will give him his dream of traveling and will not feel one bit bad about it.  I just have to learn not to bite through my tongue. I refuse to talk politics or religion...

Montana Adventure begins

I must say that we did get up early, had breakfast at the hotel, I must say I still get self conscience around people, and I don't know why I get so intimidated by strangers! Especially when they stare at me.  I wish I was more like WGB who doesn't care and believes he belongs every where and that he is just as good as everyone else. STILL working on that...so I grabbed my food and went to my room. WGB says it is because I dress and look different from them and they probably want to be brave enough to dress and be like I am. (Ok...I will try to be more like him and not so damn freaked about my weight).

I was a little grumpy this morning because it was so busy around the Starbucks I didn't get my coffee for on the road and I had the shitty coffee from the hotel. My fault...should have made my good coffee!

We found out what I thought would happen, at some points WGBs GPS on his google phone  does not work, and when I said I told you I should have brought my garmin, he looked at me like I had 3 heads! And said I didn't tell you not to bring it....and ehem, yes he did! LOL  So a little grumpiness occurred when we couldn't find the bank in Bozeman! To be expected, but still hard when you have the space of the cab in the truck and are with each other 24/7.

This is all a learning curve for traveling ...

I must say we kept in front of the rain most of the time. Which is good since my stuff is getting wet! Ha! Ah...my stuff...I pared down and not enough...such a friggin learning curve as to what you can bring and be comfortable! We did find a Starbucks and bought a traveling mug and had a white chocolate mocha! NEEDED that!

We pulled into Big Timber MT about 4:30 pm...yup, gas, nerves, smile...ready!

On the move and making time

Today we got through the rest of Oregon, scooted through Washington, but didn't stop, it wasn't that far to Idaho. Trying to drink more water on the road, because yesterday was brutal I didn't drink anything because I didn't want to be stopping every 30 minutes! but I don't need the headache I get from not drinking water! So today I did better! One thing I can say is Idaho is beautiful in good weather! We were driving through Coeur d'Alene we saw from the Freeway, while we passed it an old Mission...when I said I would love to have seen it, we turned around! Mission of the Sacred Heart.

Coeur d' Alene's Old Mission. What a beautiful State Park they turned it into!  I know you all know how much I love Catholic Icons and relics! I was in history heaven! When standing too long in the Mission and taking photos, WGB said come on honey, enough Catholic Guilt! I laughed and continued to take photos! Seriously a beautiful space...and easy to meditate and think about history and what occurred here.

To the right on the blog you will find the photo album...on the road it is way to hard to include the photos in the body of the post.

We finished driving through Idaho and made it as far as Missoula Montana...stopped at a Best Western for the night...did I say it was raining? Yup my stuff in the back of the truck is getting wet...I will be glad to get that topper on the truck that we ordered in Oregon! But that is not for a few weeks...

We ate at a really horrible pizza place near the hotel...it was just too spicy for me so WGB ordered us a couple of salads to get by with...eating on the road is hard...I am going back to plain...nothing fancy! Tomorrow we head into Big Timber MT!

On our way again

We had breakfast with Pallie and Bob and then took off on the next leg of our journey. We visited the Bonneville Lock and Dam and Hatchery where Herman the Sturgeon lives!

       


The hatchery

   

 

Up for sale...

Glad we came so we could see the house in all of its glory! They have put it up on the market if you are interested.

I so wanted WGB to see this beautiful place before they sold it. Bob has done a fantastic job in the garden! Wow we were SO lucky to come while it was all blooming. AND they have so many birds!

After lunch Pallie and I went to her studio and made a purse for my sketchbook and phone! OOOOOoh I love it so much...I had fun but I think Pallie was frustrated because we didn't do it from a pattern.

   

Sharing our lives

We spent the day just sharing our lives. Catching up and telling stories. I was able to journal as well. It was a really nice day! Pallie cooked a pork loin and it was yummy! WGB really loves talking to Bob he said Bob is a hidden national treasure! So glad he got to meet him and see their house. They are in the process of selling this beautiful place. Asked if we could stay another night...just to be able to enjoy them!

This is a really nice way to start our adventure!

"We are all in this together"

 

Exploring Oregon

We left the resort and drove the back roads to Crate Lake, unfortunately we forgot it was a holiday weekend!!! (My freedom weekend!) there was SO much traffic we couldn't wait or we would reach Pallie and Bob's place after dark! So when the traffic started to move again we drove straight though instead of turning to go to the crater...we will be back to see it though!

  One long as road!

It was a beautiful drive even if we hit a ton of bugs and had to remember we can't pump or own gas! LOL 

We had a little of a hard time finding the house...we found it and I thought it was the wrong house! But the color was changed and SO much garden I didn't recognize it!

We had a really nice dinner and conversation with Pallie and Bob. WGB loved talking to Bob! he really enjoyed the conversation! I always tell him he needs smart friends! We de-stressed from the road, looking at the river can help calm a soul and didn't get t bed until after 1130pm...so worth it!