Work. (Long sigh) Some times I think people want me to be invisible...but I didn't get that memo. And it is hard aging in a place that is so youth oriented...or I am just starting to feel pressure and I am fighting against the thoughts of age-ism. I feel like I am better than I have ever been, but it doesn't matter because I am not young anymore. Its hard. These are the times I realize how much my self-esteem is still low. It is better than it ever was when I was young, but man, the pressure I am feeling right now is hard. I just feel like my talents are not being used and I at times I feel so useless there...which was NEVER the case before the move...I always felt like I was a part of the place...but now I am struggling with why I am staying. Other than my medical benefits.
Also, what is hard for me is that I pick up on things around me and they affect me. Psychically I can feel the people around me and some of them are driving me crazy! I am sensitive to the things around me and so far around the job is a lot of chaos and upheaval which is always uncomfortable for me. People vying for new positions, people retiring, leaving and moving up or down. Chaos.
"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." -Mahatma Gandhi
I think for me, I just have to focus on my joy. Continue to do my art, make sure I have my studio tables at least freed up so I can work, and focus on the projects one at a time and let things be in que...but clean the space of the tables up so I can work. Then continue to feed my soul with spiritualism, poems and thoughts that are filling my heart up with joy and not fear.
And my friend Holly knows how to hook me with her Beautiful Yarns! Just title them Lady Gypsy and make them look like this! Of course I had to have it! SO I immediately messaged her to save it for me for payday! I am so lucky she put it on hold right away and I was able to have this beauty! Ooosh! I love this yarn! I can't wait to see what I will do with it! It is funny how a little fiber can make me so joyful! And especially when it is hand made yarn...there is just a feel to the yarn that is so happy!
Today I continued to walk even in the heat. I was able to do 30 minutes...it isn't a lot but it is movement! Tomorrow I will walk and then off on Friday...this week was all screwed up....and this photo is not flattering but it is real. The struggle of health, not of being a bone. I don't want to be thin, I just want to be healthy and strong in my own skin...that I will live and love in this body for a long time, and keep my heart strong and my body moving! I still have to work on my mid section, I need to get rid of this tummy, and I know it would be better if I could do sit ups, but I just can't get on the floor and do them without hurting myself. So I will continue to walk. I think I might try jump roping and hula hooping too. I have to get my bike out and start riding that again...I have been feeling good enough to do that lately. I am so encouraged because today I can REALLY see the difference in my body, I am starting to really loose some of that weight and it feels so good!
AND I am so excited, I did a little gardening and my trumpet plant is FINALLY coming back! Look at all the leaves! I sure hope it blooms! I had really thought I lost this plant over the Winter! I am glad to see it is really coming back! This is the plant that my massage therapist Julie gave me and I have not been able to get it to bloom yet! Yikes...she has a greener thumb than me that is for sure!