Transitions and change is not a comfortable process for any one and I know for me, I don't do well with change. I think when you life as a child is hectic, unsure, chaotic and explosive, it makes you very nervous about change.
Then there are the dreams of your life that you have. What you want to happen, and how you view your life and how you want it to be. Engulfed in the shame and craziness of the reality of what was and how it marks your life. The insecurity it brings in your spirit. And never feeling "good enough".
I guess because I didn't dare to dream of having a grandchild in my life before, because my daughter and I didn't have a relationship, I didn't see myself with that joy in my life. I had conflict with my daughter and never thought I would ever meet my grandson.
Of course I am not going to go into all the painful details here, but there was a huge struggle in my heart, soul, and spirit...and I have been conflicted for years about this. I refused to dream the dream as long as my mother was alive...because her as a wild card was not an option.
Then one sentence my daughter wrote me in some long emails, gave me that ah-ha moment. Part of that was the realization of the influence my grandmother who raised me had on my life, and then the memory of not feeling like an alien when I was in my 30s meeting my dad's mom. My genetics, my DNA was flowing out of me my entire life from his side, only a product of divorce I never saw that part and didn't know where it came from. I could at least pass on the history of our DNA.
I hate the problems my family has. I know that every one has family problems, but sinde I don't experience your truth, I only experience my own. And some times that isolates me and frustrates me, because I then skew the way I look at the world and the pain I experience.
I can't see one thing without the weight of the entire history of my life on my back. It makes me crazy, things are viewed through those glasses and I want to take them off! Fuck it, change it! Think differently. But its hard! Crazy hard. And the sadness, grief and feeling of despair is heavy.
The reality of what I am feeling is some thing that I didn't think I would ever feel. I think it is regret. And I don't like this feeling. But there is nothing in my life I can change. You can't go back and be born in another family! snort hell, it might even be worse! snort
All I can do is pick myself up and continue to make the changes I need to make for me, and continue to work through the pain. The hard part is remaining OPEN...not to close my heart off. Not to allow the walls to come back up and make me more isolated from other people. Fear...fear of getting hurt...letting it go...remaining soft and viable.
One of the huge reasons I finally left my husband after 20 odd years, was because I decided I did NOT want to be bitter. I wanted to be a happy old woman, not one filled with ugly wrinkles of bitterness.
Forgiveness comes when you give up the hope that you can change the past! -Ophra
Going back to regret. I see now that I have been wallowing in regret. In many ways, I just didn't know that this is what regret feels like. And I have to find a way to realize in my bones that there is nothing I can do to fix the past...embrace the what it was as and be in the moment of today.
Rejected people seek approval.
In that, the expectation of success. I should have had my own house that I own, lots of money in the bank, a new car, and spotless beautiful home, a fancy degree, living your passion. None of that is my reality and for a long time it has been gnawing at me that I am unsuccessful. Its all bullshit. Houses and things don't make you a success...but when your relationships seem to fail or connect you feel a lack of success more keenly. I just don't feel I have accomplished much in this one life of mine. And I guess that is the feeling of regret I am experiencing. I feel like I am standing still while others all around me are soaring.
Bleh...yesterday was the last time I will see my g-boy, apparently my daughter is moving to Tx...and since we had yet another falling out in February and haven't seen them yesterday was hard on me. Trying not to feel my emotions...but I wasn't as present as I could have been with him, for fear of crying and making it even worse. bleh...I hate this.
A short 2 hours to just be with him was agony...we had lunch, watched a couple of cartoons and took him to the park and the time was up. Over. I am left with feeling empty and betrayed. I was sorry I opened my heart up. But I am sure I will work through it and heal and not be sorry I opened my heart later. I made an activity bag for him, and I hope he thinks of me...and loves me. I sure do him. I even made him a little scrap book for the road.