I needed to read this today...It's often from a sense of discontent, feelings of incompleteness, or even a twinge of true unhappiness, Gypsy, that the seeds of great accomplishment are sown.
Can I have a "Whoohooo!"? The Universe
Also, my Rosary from France came today! It opens to reveal a small rosary! SWEET!
My Travel Purse Journals came today too! SO exciting!!!! Corinne made them! I love them! I love that Corinne made mine so personal!!! :) Smooches woman!
AND when I got home I had a TWO hour conversation with my baby brother! He is doing good and I was happy to finally talk to him. I have finally talked to ALL of my family in Joplin! Whew! ♥ AND I found out he now has custody of his teen age son, that makes me happy!
✰✰✰✰✰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰ If Your Proud To Be An American Wave ✰✰✰✰✰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰ This Flag In Honor Of The Fallen Men ✰✰✰✰✰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰ And Women Who Serve Our Country ✰✰✰✰✰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰ And For Those Who Are Still Fighting ☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰ THANKS AMERICAN SOLDIERS!
Today I spent the day with Loretta and Sharen playing art. We played with Fimo and paper flowers! I love being around my art friends, I feel so inspired. Only one snafu! But it was minor...one of the lunch items had cumin spice and it is a trigger for my IBS thank god I was with awesome girlfriends! They put up with me! It was funny!
A co-worker left her personal desk and didn't want to take it, we used it for some time as our work space near the copy machine, but then they wanted to get rid of it! I took it! YEAH me! A new clean great space to create my altered books and collage work! One I won't pile crap on!
I cleaned all day yesterday (not that it helped) but enough to fit it in, and where it is I can look out into my garden...I like the space a lot...And I am already creating on it! Its been fun to work again! I just am squeeze a little by my cats cage and the desk but it works for me...until the rest of the room is finished! For now, I am not cleaning any more! Small changes...large benefits! I got rid of a lot of stuff yesterday! I feel better...not GREAT but when its all done I will feel good again!
First thing WGB said...don't put a lot on top of it so you can USE it! LOL I have to agree! No piling! NO dumping! Just working!
My favorite quote is from Henry Van Dyke "Use the talents that you possess, for the woods would be silent if only the best birds sang." How true and how inspirational! Everyone possesses talents. We all have gifts to give and nothing should stop us from expressing those gifts whether it's art, music, writing, dancing, singing etc. etc... Maybe you want to be a chef! Whatever it is, you need to express yourself and revel in the joy of sharing those talents.
This assemblage entitled "Talents" is created within a wooden cigar box. I think the picture clearly shows its composition. I will be giving this assemblage away to a randomly drawn name from those who leave a comment here... and.... if you post the giveaway on your blog or Facebook linking to me, then that will be a second entry. Just drop me a line to let me know that you have posted to your blog or Facebook and include a link please.Everyone is eligible, no matter where you live around the world I will send it out to you.
Seems Joplin Mo is having a disaster and I am not there I have spent the last 5 hours trying to find my family! Finally my step monster called, they found my baby brother! Seems every one is ok... However, her sister Virginia died in the tornado! She is in shock. I am in shock! I have been listening to the live law enforcement feed...which most likely is NOT a good thing...they just asked for 20 body bags... The town looks bad!
I am coming up on year SEVEN of blogging. Really? SEVEN years! Yup May 30th will be 7 years of blogging...here is my very first entry:
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Well, this is a first for me...I just starting seeing these blogs...I know talk about a late bloomer! LOL But some thing about this appeals to me. So I signed up not knowing what the hell I am doing!
Call me crazy! I am used to that label anyway!
I am a Crazy Quilt Artist who is also addicted to embroidery, silk ribbon and beading. I try to remain focused in order to FINISH anything! LOL But alas I have several projects at the same time occurring, and I resent the fact that I have to work full time! Know the feeling? Who on the side loves to write and journal. I have been getting into ATC's and Altered Books. I just don't have enough time during the day to do everything that I want to accomplish.
I guess I am hoping I can use this blog to document the ramblings of my mind and find some common themes running through it all. A sounding board to my own mind...and a place to vent! We all need a place to vent!
Although I can't really complain about my life, I have nothing to complain about! Life is pretty good even on a bad day. That is what happens when you take charge of your own life, and don't let anyone else influence you as to what decisions to make and what you should be doing.
For years (literally YEARS) I allowed other people and what I thought "society" thought - to dictate to me, and to influence my decisions. Not anymore! I knew as the year 2000 approached that my life was going to take on a different direction, not so popular with my family, but very supported by my friends! So I knew I was on the right track! LOL
Now I am not a crisis junkie, I have NO drama in my life...and it is so good! But the only draw back to all this good vibe...is that my artistic side has suffered a lot. Now that is really sick! On some primal level I was more creative with all the crisis and drama in my life. I think mainly because I was trying to escape my life and I was able to do that in making some thing beautiful in the midst of all of life's ugliness.
Now I have more un-finished projects hanging around my studio than I want to admit to people...
Ah, but if I think about it, I have been LIVING life more...getting out of my house and actually living! Doing things that I enjoy...so that in turn gives me more creative idea's to put in my art journal for future projects...maybe when I am retired some day I will have the time to do all the things in my journal!
Any one out there experience the same thing? I can't be the only one! LOL
Not much has changed except the fact that more drama HAS happened in the last year, and I am trying to recover from it. The grief needs to flow out and not come back. I still have to work on some things...but I think I am a better person.
I have really been missing my knitting and yesterday I was able to work on two scarves! The hot orange and the cool blues! And my shoulder didn't hurt too much! I still have to practice HOW to do the continental stitching vs. the throwing I do!
It feels good to be knitting even on small projects!
Transitions and change is not a comfortable process for any one and I know for me, I don't do well with change. I think when you life as a child is hectic, unsure, chaotic and explosive, it makes you very nervous about change.
Then there are the dreams of your life that you have. What you want to happen, and how you view your life and how you want it to be. Engulfed in the shame and craziness of the reality of what was and how it marks your life. The insecurity it brings in your spirit. And never feeling "good enough".
I guess because I didn't dare to dream of having a grandchild in my life before, because my daughter and I didn't have a relationship, I didn't see myself with that joy in my life. I had conflict with my daughter and never thought I would ever meet my grandson.
Of course I am not going to go into all the painful details here, but there was a huge struggle in my heart, soul, and spirit...and I have been conflicted for years about this. I refused to dream the dream as long as my mother was alive...because her as a wild card was not an option.
Then one sentence my daughter wrote me in some long emails, gave me that ah-ha moment. Part of that was the realization of the influence my grandmother who raised me had on my life, and then the memory of not feeling like an alien when I was in my 30s meeting my dad's mom. My genetics, my DNA was flowing out of me my entire life from his side, only a product of divorce I never saw that part and didn't know where it came from. I could at least pass on the history of our DNA.
I hate the problems my family has. I know that every one has family problems, but sinde I don't experience your truth, I only experience my own. And some times that isolates me and frustrates me, because I then skew the way I look at the world and the pain I experience.
I can't see one thing without the weight of the entire history of my life on my back. It makes me crazy, things are viewed through those glasses and I want to take them off! Fuck it, change it! Think differently. But its hard! Crazy hard. And the sadness, grief and feeling of despair is heavy.
The reality of what I am feeling is some thing that I didn't think I would ever feel. I think it is regret. And I don't like this feeling. But there is nothing in my life I can change. You can't go back and be born in another family! snort hell, it might even be worse! snort
All I can do is pick myself up and continue to make the changes I need to make for me, and continue to work through the pain. The hard part is remaining OPEN...not to close my heart off. Not to allow the walls to come back up and make me more isolated from other people. Fear...fear of getting hurt...letting it go...remaining soft and viable.
One of the huge reasons I finally left my husband after 20 odd years, was because I decided I did NOT want to be bitter. I wanted to be a happy old woman, not one filled with ugly wrinkles of bitterness.
Forgiveness comes when you give up the hope that you can change the past! -Ophra
Going back to regret. I see now that I have been wallowing in regret. In many ways, I just didn't know that this is what regret feels like. And I have to find a way to realize in my bones that there is nothing I can do to fix the past...embrace the what it was as and be in the moment of today.
Rejected people seek approval.
In that, the expectation of success. I should have had my own house that I own, lots of money in the bank, a new car, and spotless beautiful home, a fancy degree, living your passion. None of that is my reality and for a long time it has been gnawing at me that I am unsuccessful. Its all bullshit. Houses and things don't make you a success...but when your relationships seem to fail or connect you feel a lack of success more keenly. I just don't feel I have accomplished much in this one life of mine. And I guess that is the feeling of regret I am experiencing. I feel like I am standing still while others all around me are soaring.
Bleh...yesterday was the last time I will see my g-boy, apparently my daughter is moving to Tx...and since we had yet another falling out in February and haven't seen them yesterday was hard on me. Trying not to feel my emotions...but I wasn't as present as I could have been with him, for fear of crying and making it even worse. bleh...I hate this.
A short 2 hours to just be with him was agony...we had lunch, watched a couple of cartoons and took him to the park and the time was up. Over. I am left with feeling empty and betrayed. I was sorry I opened my heart up. But I am sure I will work through it and heal and not be sorry I opened my heart later. I made an activity bag for him, and I hope he thinks of me...and loves me. I sure do him. I even made him a little scrap book for the road.