I just received this email from a retired friend of mine today and I have to tell you that I totally laughed until I cried reading this story! He kills me! And people wonder why I miss him!
Okay, I'll soon be 53. Crawford told me he and his buddies had a colonoscopy, it was no sweat, and I should to. I called the doc and arranged for the procedure. First, I had to attend a 2 hour class informing of the hazards and what to expect.
Now, on my way to the class, I keep telling myself "No jokes!." This is a serious medical procedure, and some of these people may be really sick, so behave! But it wasn't my fault, the surroundings dictated them. It wasn't my fault!
I walk into an office with another woman, whose name turns out to be Donna. I contact the receptionist, and tell her I'm there for the class. She said it's across the hall, in the rear office (there's innuendo #1, but I let it ride). I start out, and Donna says "Right behind you, I'm going to" (there's #2). I reply "Not too close." Donna doesn't get it.
I enter the other office and get in a line of about 5 patients. Old Joe is right in front of me. Joe's about 65, with a hearing aid in his left ear. Joe hands in his papers, and Lulu (honest) the clerk asks if he wants to set up an appointment for the procedure. Joe says he doesn't know why he's here, his doc sent him. This all started with a cyst, and he doesn't know what's going on (way too much info, Joe). Joe's still mad, and doesn't want to set up the appointment.
I turn in my papers. I'm to wait until I'm called to make an appointment. I go to sit down. I happen to chose the seat next to Gravel Gertie. GG for short (turns out her real name was Gigi, no lie). GG's about 60, and we all soon learn of GG's medical history and her knowledge of colon cancer (always one in every crowd). Donna, who's near my age, sits on my left, and starts her crossword puzzle.
I get called by the appointment secretary. I ask for the an appointment next week. She says there's and opening at the end of the week. I tell her I don't want an end, let's stick to the middle. She says how about Wednesday. I agree.
Lulu chimes in. "Wednesday is the day that Mars is close to earth, and with binoculars, it will look as big as the moon!" I'd heard about that. I can't resist. I tell Lulu it's lucky it's now Uranus that is so close. Lulu says she's never heard of Uranus being that close to earth. (right over her head)
I get handed a packet which contains a bowel cleansing prescription product named, and no lie, GoLytely. (I can't believe it) You mix it with a gallon of water, and drink it the night before. It comes in numerous flavors, lemon-lime, cherry, pina colada. I save that for later.
I sit back between GG and Donna. The class is delayed because GG has forgotten a packet we were to complete and bring to class. GG redoes her packet. I tell Donna GG is really turning into a pain in the butt. Donna kinda laughs, but it's over her head.
Out comes a Hispanic woman, in nurses uniform. She introduces herself as Cindy Colon. What are the odds. Cindy Colon teaching a colonoscopy class. 100% I guess.
Cindy tells of of the odds of getting cancer. 1 in 18, unless u drink beer. It can cause rectal cancer. Some commie is spreading bad stats. Of course, if u eat right, and exercise, ur risks go down. Isn't it amazing all the diseases that are avoided by people who eat right and exercise? Makes u think that those people can't die! I guess I gotta switch to vodka.
Cindy tells us the day before we can only have clear liquids. GG is in her prime. "What about us coffee fanatics, I was told I could have one cup of coffee. I need my caffeine." Cindy says no coffee, GG should have tea, as it has caffeine. GG didn't know that. "But I don't like tea," says GG. GG thinks about it. "Oh, I could have iced tea!" The class is amazed. I tell Donna I'm gonna kick some ass if GG doesn't stop. Donna laughs more, finally getting where I'm going with this.
Cindy tells us about all the flavors of GoLytely. GG doens't think she's gonna like the flavors. I suggest to Donna that it's too bad we all can't have the procedure on the same day. That way, the night before, we could have a "GoLytely" tasting party, where we could try each other's flavors.
Old Joe asks about the effects of GoLytely, and how it hits people. Cindy says u may get bloated, and vomit, but when the bowel movements start, u'll start feeling better. Cindy says to stay by a bathroom. I tell Donna that they should change the name to "GoQuickly." I tell Donna this all sounds like the shits.
Now for the best part. Cindy puts on a 12 minute video. Right when it shows an actual filming of the colon, GG farts! Mind you, it's not a loud one, but the smell after left no doubt. GG looks and me and says "Scuse me." "No problem," I reply.
So, the video ends. Cindy says we can all go, except for the people Cindy talked to who had special medical conditions and need additional info. GG asks "Was it a woman who needs to stay?" Cindy says that person knows who they are. GG says she thought it was here, as she takes aspiring. Trying to be nice, and not embarrass the one, Cindy says the person knows who they are. GG says she'll stay too as she takes aspirin. The class sighs a relief moan.
Cindy asks if there are any questions. GG finally stays shut up. I can't take it, I tell all that "In the end, it's good to get a colonoscopy." Cindy laughs heartily. Over everyone's head.
I get in my car, and out comes GG getting into her mini-truck. On the back are D.A.R.E. bumper stickers. Also, her grandson was student of the month at his middle school. Who'da thought????
So next week I go and find out about the new applications of fiber optics.
Then the response from another retired friend:
ok NOW STOP! JW: get a life! let's not make this hyperbole into National tale of fright! They may do this in Reno, but here in the educated, sedate, insegrevious and lugubrious areas of Northern California, that just doesn't happen!
C'mon! Yeah the "prep" isn't fun but all of us here , including MY DOCTOR who've had it done are cool. It was no big thing. Maybe it's those desert rats like you and Hayden who are having some anally disingenuous issues! Maybe some sphincter thereapy would help.
I truly think to many of your cohorts have been sucking too much cactus grass.. Get a life... HA! Reads like a great "dime novel