Beautiful crisp Fall day in Mountain View! Vernon and I got dressed and took the G-boy out for a much needed walk outside, we have all been too cooped up! And G-boy is crabby!
You know what? I love WGB! he just took off with G-boy! When we got back from out walk WGB decided to take the G-Boy to the Exploratorium!
It has to be very hard for him! First off WGB does not talk or deal well about death... And the person being mourned by my kids is my Ex. It has been filling up our living space...but we are ok with that...it is just hard! I just love how much he loves and respects me. He anticipates needs and just takes off with G-boy as he said for ADVENTURE!!!
The kid has been cooped up so much he needs to see and experience something joyful!
They are off to the Exploratorium in SF.
Then Vernon and Desi took off...WTF? So now I am alone for awhile...reflecting...
November is mine field of emotional land mines for me and now it has gotten even worse! First off, my ex died on the 15th, his autopsy was performed on the 18th which was our first date anniversary. Then he was cremated on his birthday the 22nd and today would have been our wedding anniversary...it is all just too much. I am glad we are not doing the spreading of his ashes in November...its all just too much!
WGB bouncing literally around the bed trying to get me up and me on the bottom photo with the dirty look! LMAO....two different kind of morning people for sure! It makes me grateful that we are different an yet balance eachother...although first thing in the morning is a little much for me.
This has had to be one of the worst days of my life. I am drained, tired and exhausted. Now for my kids, let the healing begin.
We were lucky I found Holiday Inn Express - Jackson California to stay in, I explained what we were coming there for, and they allowed us in our rooms early to try to gather our stregth for having to view my ex-husband. They were VERY kind to us. It was clean, and smelled good, no cigarette smells in the rooms. Large enough disabled room for my daughter and bathtub that was safe for her. My daughter and g-boy in one room down the end of the hall so she could have access to outside for her smoking and me a couple of doors down, where my son and his girl would stay with me as well. We were able to reflect and meet up with my son before going to the Mortuary.
This was THE most horrific thing I have ever had to force myself to do in my entire life, and if you knew what I have lived through, that is really saying something. I never expected to have to walk my kids through the process of dealing with a parents death. Nor dealing with my ex-husbands death. His family has refused to view the body with the kids, and anyone who knows me knows how I will go to the ends of the earth for my kids and stand by them in thick and thin...and this is part of my responsiblity as a parent to them. Some may not understand why I am doing this, but they don't know my heart.
We had about an hour and half of just dealing with the business of death...the arrangements before we could view the body, and it was looming over us, my daughter broke at one point...her anger comes out when she is overwhelmed.
Once we were there my daughter started crying and telling me she couldn't do it without me, that it was the last time we would be together as a family...how to you break your childs heart by reminding them you haven't been a family in over 13 years .... I put on my big girl panties and went in with my kids. I really was not prepared to view him. I thought I would be there for my kids to go in...and a rush of emotions hit me right in the chest when I walked in.
My daughter had insisted that her 8 year old son be able to view him the whole time, and finally she agreed SHE would see him first and then decide. My son's girlfriend stayed with him in the front of the mortuary where there was a beautiful room with a fire going. My daughter was so upset when she saw her father that she couldn't make the decision and asked me, I made the decision to spare him of having nightmares the rest of his life. AND I will stand on that decision for as long as I live.
So many conflicting emotions. He looked so far removed from the man I loved, really the boy I fell in love with...I was very young...we were 15...what do you know when you are 15? Anyway, he looked like the choices he had made and it broke my heart. My son, brought clothes for the undertaker to put him in, he was dressed, cleaned up and the man took care to wrap a gauze bandage on the worst part, my daughter brought her favorite bandana and he placed it over his head, covering the injury. He had his leather jacket on and his cane and leather hat were on his chest. One hand was out because my kids wanted to hold his hand.
My heart broke. On many levels. He really didn't treat me very well while we were married and we were married for 20 years, together for 24. And only while being able to see the past of the whole life can it break your heart that he was never able to make better choices. The potential he had was so great, but instead he ended up like this...
All of his bad choices laying directly in front of me...his death the direct result of a decision to go out to a bar, drink, sing and then get in his car to drive home and speed on a mountain road while he was drunk, and not turn with the road. Honestly, I just thank the universe that he didn't hurt anyone else in his car crash...that we don't have to deal with another family grieving and being angry with him. He knew better...he is responsible for this outcome...and I am angry he made that choice...that he is putting my children and I through this...and the reprocussions of the hard days coming our way.
The disappointment and anger I still have of his family. His mother and closest sister refused to see him with us. That just brings up so much anger in me. The woman who bore him, abused him, tormented him, dangled a promise of I will love you IF, refused to see him ... The sister that went through hell and back like they were thick as thieves refused to see him. There I stood with my children...in an empty room...saying the final good-bye and struggling to forgive it all for the last time in person. I am rendered without words to convey the contempt I feel for his family that got between us while we were together and fought me every step of the journey. NEVER there for the hard...
I was proud of my son's girlfriend. She was there, she stood by my son and his family. She walked in after our time with my son, and said goodbye. She is a keeper. She is a person who has substance and I adore her more now.
After all of that we went to Mel's diner and finally ate something...we were all drained and emotional...and needed food...and some laughs. Passing down to the next generation the nose and spoon trick! And I really lusted after that Betty!
This morning I am just grateful for my best friend that happens to be my boyfriend. I woke up crying and upset...and he pointed out it is not just because I am upset for my children...but that I was probably grieving too...
He is trying to put himself in my place with his ex-wife and what it would feel like with his two kids...
I am just so heartbroken for my kids and what they have to go through this next coming week...I think it just finally hit me today and I can't seem to turn off the tears.
I am so lucky to have WGB, he knows what my kids are going through, losing his mom and the conflicted feelings that brings up. He doesn't do well talking or dealing with death and he has been VERY supportive and loving...I know this is bringing up a lot of issues for him as we feel our way through this.... He told me that he can see it is bringing up a lot of emotions in me...having to relive some things I may not have wanted to visit ever again...along with the good. Another reason why I love him...he get's me.
my brothers and sisters in the Fire Department that stepped up to help me and my family...words cannot express the depth of my gratitude in order to help me bring my daughter back to California, so she can have closure with her dad...
Knowing my children have to go through this to begin with is hard, but not having the immediate capability of getting one back home to view their dad was almost unbearable for me. From the bottom of my heart, my love and respect go to you...
To my family at the PD thank you so much for those that have been checking on me and loving me through this incredibly hard time. At least right now, knowing my daughter is going to be able to meet up with her brother is comforting.
To my friends always by my side...I appreciate you.
I know that some of my friends are really protective of me, but be kind about how you react because my kids are really raw right now.
Before I could get to work this morning my beautiful niece Naomi contacted me and had the hard task of telling me that my ex-husband had passed away. The car went off the road, 360 roll over, and we are pretty sure he died of head injuries from the crash.
He was in a car accident. For all we know right now it could have been a deer jumped in his path and he went off the road. He had moved in with his mom up in the sierra's, and I have spent all day trying to set things up easier for my kids to deal with.
Everyone in Pioneer, Jackson and Amador County, the CHP, mortuaries and where the car is currently impounded are all very kind, and helpful people.
I am currently trying to find a way to get my daughter back out to California from Texas for the 3rd time this year...I don't have the money to bring her out. So I am working on that...
My son is moving today...
It has been very stressful for all us...keep us in your prayers...I don't know HOW to feel...but I am worried about my kids and trying to make the transition as easy as I can for them. It has been an extremely hard day. I was with him for 24 years and we were married 20 when I divorced him...those that know our story know how hard this must be for me...I never wanted bad to happen to him ever. I wanted him happy but I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him.
Right now my focus is solely on my kids getting through this...but as I told my daughter, this is how it is supposed to be, children lose their parents...it is harder to lose a child... It is too early for them to be losing their parents but it is the natural order of life...
I am extremely worried about my kids...so send good thoughts and healing white light to them...the hardest part is when we go to the mortuary for them to view their dad's body and say good-bye. Send me strength, because even though they are not my little babies like they were in the back of my Torino here, they will forever be my babies...and my responsibility in this world...this is the hardest thing we have ever faced as a family together...but at least we are together. I just wish we could wake up and have the world be different.
I am SO excited! The boy is moving IN with the girl! AND I see some grand babies in my future! Just sayin! I am loving this! ♥ EEEEEP! I love that he is brave enough to move forward in love finally! I REALLY like this girl! I see my grand babies in her eyes! And of course I probably just scared the crap out of her if she reads this! LOL
Today is my day for reflection that I take every year. To honor the woman who raised me in all her flaws, she loved me, gave me the courage to be myself, odd and arty. She was a powerhouse of 4'11, wore what ever the hell she wanted and loved her high heel shoes all in size 4!!! Styling and silly...old and child-like.
Then I read this article today...just confirmed all the reasons why I take the time every year to reflect and ask myself that question..."Am I connecting with people?" "Do people KNOW that I love them?" Because conventional success has never been in the cards for me...but loving people has!
What is so hard in letting go...all the things you can't seem to be able to express with mere words, just how much that man meant to me. Mark was in my life during some of the worst moments I have lived through. He always believed in me. He accepted me unconditionally even though he thought I was stupid as shit to stay with my ex. He understood why I had to. When things got really bad he would make me laugh...he would validate me as a person and we would laugh until we cried at my fucked up life! But always, always he loved me through it. He stood by me and I stood by him. It is what friends do.
I had decided to buy a cheap new TV today, I found one for $199 it was 29" and LCD. My boyfriend and I rode over to Best Buy, and we looked at many TV's...I was talked into a 32" LED model...for $299...and then he surprised me by buying it for me!!!! SQUEEEEEEEL So then I was able to buy the Apple TV that I have been wanting! WHOOT Feeling spoiled! Wow! It is HD as well AND I can see the dark screens when they get darker!!! AND I can watch my Netfix and so enjoying that!!! On a big screen! Whooo hoooie!
Had to clean that area...and dust and vacuum...but hey I have a cool TV...And SuperNatural is playing! :) With Hell Hounds! LOVE this!!!
Then my son texts me...he is getting me the new iPhone 5!!!!! For my birthday! Whooo hooo! So he is ordering it tomorrow! I might even get it this week! I am so excited!!!! MORE memory! All my apps and photos will fit!!!! WOOT!
I am such a lucky geek girl!
Things don't matter people do...but I am enjoying these items!
It has been an up and down struggle. April I had a set back with plantar fasciitis it has prevented me to have good walking days. But I am doing at leat 4000 steps, just not getting the 8000 or 10000 I was.
I started seeing a holistic doctor...and I am starting to get some good results! I am gluten free and no nightshades, which is no peppers, potatos, tomato, egg plant, he doesn't want me eating tofu or soy either...
It has been a steap learning curve and I am still having some issues getting enough calories in, with food I can tolerate. But I have lost 10 pounds.
Today was a better day, 6737 steps. Under calories. Feet hurt but I am ok.
The inflammation in my body is getting less and less. I just have to remember to drink MORE water! I am doing a Red Dot 30 day challenge at work, not to eat extra sugar or baked goods while at work. The baked goods is easy since I am gluten free...but no soda or candy or anything like that...Monday is Day 16 and it is HARD! But I have been doing good.
Trying to make all the change a life change not just temporary. And I am glad to see some movement down. The thing that upset me was Saturday I was up 2 pounds...today I lost some...so I am going to stick to weighing myself every Tues...and not every day where it goes up an down! It makes me crazy!
Grateful my boyfriend has also bought a new fitbit for himself and he is seeing how much calories he normally eats and he is adjusting. The hardest part for him is the realizaton that he cannot continue to eat crap...and drink soda all day long and expect to lose weight! Today we went to Olive Garden, I had the Apricot Chicken and it is reasonable. He had the Mixed Grill and was surprised it was 838 calories! But he didn't have the bread, and he had water with me...and lunch served as dinner and lunch for us...I had have of my serving so will have the rest of mine for lunch or dinner tomorrow.
He has been working out on the Wii...and I am hopeful I won't be sabatoged by him this time! :)
TOTAL STEPS 30,104 DAILY AVERAGE 4,301 steps BEST DAY 5,317 steps TOTAL DISTANCE 13.32 miles DAILY AVERAGE 1.90 miles BEST DAY 2.35 miles TOTAL FLOORS CLIMBED 6 WEIGHT CHANGE 2.8 lb (so far 7 pounds!!!) Avg SLEEP DURATION 7 hrs 52 min AVG TIMES AWAKENED 5 AVG TIME TO FALL ASLEEP 0hrs 9min
With going gluten free its been HARD and nothing tastes really good...but I really believe this IS part of the answer to my hypo-thyroid issues....and maybe I won't have to be suffering anymore! Swelling in my right leg has been consistently LESS than when I was eating gluten and nightshades! The new holistic meds may be the cause of my mouth tasting bad...taste buds are not happy! But CHANGE is good! Love that I have lost 7 pounds AND I am sleeping through the night better!
6. A symptom is the body’s way of letting us know something has to change.
Good medicine asks what is the symptom trying to accomplish? rather than simply suppressing it. Our body has its own intelligence and yet so much of pharmaceutical advertising tries to convince us that there is something wrong with feeling symptoms. Much of my medical training was focused on stopping symptoms as if they were the problem. (This is like telling the body to shut up. It’s rude!) We don't trust the body’s intelligence. We think too much and tend to be afraid of feelings in our body.
Today I am spending my time doing laundry. Moving my shoes and vanity table out of my bedroom to make room for the clothes racks I have in the spare bedroom. Next week WGBs daughter comes home for a couple of weeks. The bedroom has two of my clothes racks. I am trying to get down to one.
"Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.” — Frida Kahlo
The last few years have been SO hard. I have felt like I have been losing myself, finding myself, worrying about my health, worrying about work, worrying about retirement, worrying if I am a good person or not, concerned I fucked it all up beyond repair. Struggled in living with the person I love, his kids, my kids, animals. Wondered what the hell it is I am going to leave behind...
All the struggles lead me to more compassion and more gratitude. Maybe with the chronic pain I have learned not to judge others in pain, just because they don't appear to be sick or hurting. Maybe I have learned that chronic pain can erode your spirtitual and emotional health, it can erode your relationships because people expect you can do various things that you are really not capible of doing at the moment...things that seem so easy.
The chronic pain has caused me to stop writing here...I stopped being real...I stopped being honest with myself, trying to just get through the day. Struggles we all have them, one way or another. I think my body has just had enough, I know my heart has. It was time to make some changes...think about things differently.
The last few years of death of my grandmother, my friends, WGBs stroke, eroded my health. And the state of my studio shows the decline of my mental health as well, the sadness that encapsulated me in clutter...over the top mess and making me frozen. Its time to clean up everything and get back into balance. For weeks I wake up with really bad heartburn and go to bed with really bad heartburn...so much so it sometimes scares me in the middle of the night. Like last night laying there trying to calm my mind to calm my acid stomach...worry will kill you.
When I read the quotes from Frida I remember the chronic pain she endured and how she made a beautiful life dispite the pain, and when she had emotional pain and relationship break downs, she ate life like it was a huge pomegrante juicy and ripe!
Finding hope. First getting the information about the book Stop the Thyroid Madness writen for patients...and finding that I am NOT the only one struggling so much with my treatment. I kept telling my doctor that ALL of my issues but my back pain ARE related to the under treatment of my thyroid! Now I feel like I have proof of that and can start to get healthier and enjoy my life again! Get all of my symptoms under control. Oh it will be nice to live without swelling in my leg!
On June 22nd I dared to believe I could change it. I started to see a homiopathic energy chiropracter. The first visit was more on the homiopath side, with natural medications to try to get me to be more balanced. I know that people say, hoo-do, but I am feeling better!
On June 29th I woke up with even my skin on my left leg hurting, espeically along my ankle, where ever anything touched me I had shooting pains. I brought him in all my latest blood tests. When Dr. M was doing the assessment he hurt me on my right leg just by touching me. The interesting thing was my left arm was less sensitive than my right arm. My arms were not responding at all to the reflex hammer. My hands were in a lot of pain, especially my thumbs. Wednesday my IBS came back wth a vengence. My sciatic pain was reaching the top again.
It was SO uncomfortable for me to lay on the chiropractic table. He checked the sciatic pain in my right leg, and I was shorter on my right side like I thought I had been. We talked a lot about adjusting my neck, I have not let ANYONE touch my neck since my favortie chiropractor ever moved from the area. I relaxed and let him adjust my left side of my neck. It cracked so loud it scared me. INSTANTLY I had an emotional response, but more amazing INSTANTLY my skin on my right leg stopped hurting. All together the pain was gone! He could touch my leg and not pain! He said "Intersting response!" You think? I think it is magic!
He rechecked my reflexs and they were now normal in my arms! I could finally feel both side the same! No difference! The only strange thing was that under my right elbow and right knee I expereinced some tenderness that night until I saw him next.
On July 2nd We talked about the tenderness in my elbow and knee. He assessed me again and adjusted my elbow and my wrist. He then adjusted the right side of my neck and the amount of loud sounds and pent up emotions came flooding out! I had to take a moment! The left side was not as dramatic as the right side of neck but I just was so stunned by all of the emotions flooding out of me. He also adjusted my left jaw. So much relief though.
The next step was he wants me to go gluten free and no nightshades! I didn't know what nightshades were, they are tomatos, eggplant, pepers, potato. He wants me off of Wheat, Barley, Rye or Oats. No soy or tofu. And wants me to cut back on sugar.
This is the interesting thing to me as he was talking about inflammation in my body, I was keying in to a book I bought in 2010 "The idiots guide to the Infammation Diet", I told him that my intuition had been leading me here, and he said I REALLY need to follow my intution, that my energy is really good and strong and that I am just not trusting myself. He said that sometimes patients can have what they call a leaky gut, and that gluten free eating can help in healing that. Plus with all the things I have been trying to do to lose weight over the last two years only to gain more! So frustrating to me...and started to make me feel hopeless.
So for now I can eat Fresh fruit and veggies, quinoa, beans, rice, corn. This has been a HUGE learning curve and I have not been experiencing hunger like I would before. I am not thrilled with eating...so not having a great experience with food right now. Everything is making the switch including my taste buds. My mouth tastes terrible, my tongue feels thick. I am still taking the suppliments he suggested and I don't know if that is what is causing my mouth to taste so bad... all changes.
The trick to this new way of eating is all in the planning...which I have never been good at. But in order to succeed I am going to have to be better at having foods I CAN eat on hand. The other thing is how WGB always wants to go out to lunch...my stats have gotten higher doing this bad habit and I really just want to go home for lunch where I can control what I eat more...its all a learning curve.
July 13th he adjusted my neck again, and then he used a tool to adjust my lower back and some spots between my shoulders. He then had me stand up and he adjusted my back holding me weird. And then adjusted my right leg that I have the sciatic pain on...
I was able to tell him yesterday that I lost 1.5 pounds, this morning I weighed myself and I had lost another 1.5 pounds so that is FIVE pounds in a week! So happy to see movement DOWN...since the last week in April when I started the plantar fascitis and not being able to walk like I was, I had gained 24 pounds! So hard... To me this 5 pounds is such a huge win!!! I am loving it! It is making it easier to stick to the gluten free to see results, finally positive results!
He added a couple of more suppliment treatments yesterday and I picked one up at whole foods. I bought some gluten free food and so far hate everything. I think I will stick to rice, quinoa and eat fresh fruit and veggies! I was REALLY hurting looking at all the pasta and things I can't have...but I am trying to make the best of it. I tried the gluten free pasta, won't be going there anytime soon. And it is REALLY hard not having the nightshades! I love my bellpeppers and tomatos not to mention a good potato chip! So I got some sweet potato things including chips.
Maybe doing all of this I will get balance back in my life...
The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unlovable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness. ~ Daniell Koepke.
It is a lesson in gratitude. When my life is getting me really down, and I am weighted with the problems of the world and life is getting tough, I look forward to every six months, MARS. Mountain Artists Retreat Sleepover. The first time I went, I felt a bit like a stranger that didn't belong...but that quickly faded with kindred spirits.
It is an experience of 20-25 women who are artists. We come together and take the pressure of the world off of our shoulders for a weekend. And the weekend blurs by! This Spring MARS I drove up by myself to Grass Valley area, with my iPod with all my favorite music playing, and enjoying some time by myself to think. My body has been randomly swelling again, and I am just not feeling good, but I did not let that stop me from BEING in the moment - enjoying these women!
I realize we won't always be all together, that in an instant life can change, so this weekend is one of renewal and gratitude to be able to enjoy and love eachother and laugh until we need depends! Share our dreams.
You are just required to send something to your PenPal, and only once...most do more. Some over acheivers try to do everyone in the group. I won't be one of those since I work full time. I just can't. But I am having fun and feeling good every time I go to the mailbox! Great mail vs bills!
The power of GOOD bombing, Lindsay came up with the idea of bombing someone with a health issue, personal reason, or because they have had a shitty week...I nominated my daughter Desi and she got bombed with what she called "Pretty Mail"
We have decided to dedicate a Facebook group to this and we will do it all year long! It just makes you feel good to focus on someone else and making them feel good and smile for a moment instead of thinking of yourself!
WOW Danny Gregory posted in Every Day Matters (a sketch group I belong to on FB) and I was SO blown away to find out it was Gil Zamora!!!! He was San Jose PD's sketch artist, and I worked with him a lot from 94 (when he wasn't very good, just starting out and being mentored) through 2011!! Where he was amazing! He even did a few sketches for co-workers before they retired, where I was in one back in 2000.
It was just SO moving to watch these! I grew to love him over the years, he had a great spirit...and was so talented! What a gift to the women he touched doing this project!
I didn't sleep much last night...maybe a couple of hours. So I am feeling raw anyway. But I found out this morning that my friend Gary Leinweber passed away at 6:30 am...
I am grateful he is not in pain anymore. But I am going to miss knowing he was in the world.
So, I am sitting here, listening to the rain...and remembering some fun times at work. He was always inspirational, he went after his passion and changed his life up. Always made me believe it was possible that I could do it too!
I will always remember his laugh...and when his wife Jeri started to quilt, and how we would talk about the love of quilting. AND when he would share with me when her quilts were in shows!
I haven't had a family photo with my kids since they were little! I was so excited that we were able to get them and have them taken at Shoreline Park, and the Rengstorff House. I used to party in that house when I was a kid, and before it was fixed back up to its beauty...this place has powerful meaning to me.
I have been wanting to do this so here some are! Desi and G-boy are out for a visit so I pounced!
Man...what an emotional day! I got an email from my 3rd cousin from Ancestry.com! Come to find out I knew her as a kid! She sent me a photo of my grandmother who raised me...and I broke out in tears! I had never seen a photo of her when she was young. In this photo it is 1940 on the Russian River, with her family, goofing on each other. She is the one in the middle.
It freaked me out because I can REALLY see myself in her. Its hard to believe she was 35 in this photo! It TOTALLY is eerie to me...because while I knew her she was always wrinkly and old looking...I have never seen her this young...and wow! Just Wow! And the fact that I do look like her...crazy good realizations.
This just made me so emotional all day. SO many questions came up. Again, I miss her so much, she passed when I was 19 and I sure wish I could have asked MORE things about life... For instance WHY was this the first photo I have ever seen that shows her young? For what I know about her life, only a couple of years later, 1942, she lost he 18 month old son AND the love of her life, her 2nd husband (my grandfather) from TB, WHILE she was pregnant with my mother. I think this was pivotal and I think that she never fully recovered from this.
My cousin Dee wrote me this:
In your grandmothers earlier years she and her two brother along with my Mom and dad did a lot of things together they loved each other dearly, your grandmother was a lot of fun.
You would think I was eating rocks! Another cracked tooth...but can't get it fixed until after January when the money kicks in for a new year of insurance! bleh! The good news is the fact that other than another cracked tooth, I'm healthy! And everything is looking good! All the flossing, the electric tooth brush and the going to the dentist even though I have to get mediated because I have such anxiety...it has paid off! I have a healthy mouth this year! I am so grateful! AND goes to show you 6 months ago it was a wise of me to get that night guard!
"The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don't wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope." - Barack Obama
One thing I have figured out this time, is that the twice a year art retreat I go on with my art sisters, has the power to transform my crankiness from life kicking my butt into joy and happiness again. MARS Mountain Artist Retreat Sleepover...occurs in Spring and Fall...6 months apart. There is usually 20 of us and ALL personalities!
The most important part of being a part of this extradinary group of women artists is that our unique voices in our art, are shared, appreciated, and taught. We are handing eachother our talents, our love, our acceptance, our willingness to be vulnerable and real. To talk about our lives with eyes that are not judgemental or seeringly uncomfortable. Even if all of us don't always get along and there are bumps and mini bruises of ego...it is a true experience of love and acceptance.
This time many of us had heavy things happening in our lives...but the time together was that of laughter and love. A coming together over meals...laughs...stories...sharing...and being ourselves.
We ARE a tribe. We are all different but ALL alike. We are strong women, with voices in our art. Various political views. Various life experiences. Various places in life. ALL healing time for wounded souls beat up out there in the real world where some times we are all misunderstood.
What a fascinating story...I love the thought of Paris, and this is just so intriguing! I would love to have some of those items they found in the apartment. Check out the link.
What kept her away even after the war? Was she running away from someone or something other than the Nazis? For all those decades, her rent on the elegant apartment in a flourishing city had been faithfully paid, but it was left it to freeze in time. It all sounds like the perfect mystery.