I have had the flu for days and I am grateful for it today...because I could stay in bed not being able to do anytihng else but cry. Michael woke me up and told me that David died. While I was struggling with the flu I lost the most important person in my life...I cannot stop crying. I have a flu, migraine, and throwing up...and I lost Bowie. I am in shock....
WGB told me this quote when he told me that David died: "If you're ever sad, just remember the world is 4.543 billion years old and YOU somehow managed to exist at the same time as David Bowie!" by Dean Podesta It is not comforting...my life has changed.
I can only imagine his families loss...he meant so much to me in my life...they have to be frozen. I know I am.
Happy Birthday David! May 69 be the best! I downloaded the rest of Black Star today, most interesting album he has done since The Man who sold the World and Low...
WGB and I had a nice lunch at Casa Lupe, I had chicken nacho's and then in the afternoon wasn't feeling so great...all night long...a hard fast flu...I have been throwing up all night long! SO bad I never want to eat again!
This morning the girl flew out to go home to South Korea again. I get SO sad when she leaves because it is going to be a full year before we see her again...and this year for some reason it just feels worse. I hate it. I am happy SHE is happy I am bummed for us.
I had an appt with the rheumatologist today...it wasn't good news. She believes I have Fibro. However, the only good news was that she didn't look at me like I had 3 heads...but my body has been dealing with my thyroid issues as well and menopause. It is SO hard to figure out what the hell is going on. She referred me to a Endo...so that is next...I am just tired of feeling this way.
The super cool Lindsay Planner from Adorn It came today! I am excited to work in this!!! I bought an extra one as well...it may be going to a cousin!
It has every month with one of her moon girls with the month theme! And I am going to use it for my Tangie Baxter planner pages this year! So excited!
Each one is on watercolor paper so you can color each month! So much fun!
David Bowie's new video came out...kinda creepy and I am trying to figure it all out...but it was disturbing to my soul!
It was nice to get a visit from the kids and for Jaclyn to meet Twinkle. We had a nice dinner at Amici's but our friend was not at work so she didn't get to meet my kids...It was SO fun to watch Twinkle eat real food at the table! And we all had a great laugh when Vernon tried to set up the playpen!
Have decided to go with a blunt cut and still have my shaved hair underneath to help cool me off...trying to grow it out this year. I finally found Vicki Howells Chunky 3 hour cowl, going to try that pattern. I have been wanting to make some really chunky cowls this year with some yarn I have on hand....
I also was able to set up my new waterproof iPod...
So I love how FAT my daily journal got in 2015...but I think I am going to just do straight journal and collage and not add a lot of the art and stuff in it this year....You can see the Pink 2016 journal...and can tell just how much I expanded...still not as fat as 2014 was!
Today is my daughters birthday she is 35! Holy smoley! When I was 35 she was 17! Where has the time gone? We have always had our struggles and issues that I won't go in to... they are too prickly but I have always loved her.
In a way the poor kid is a mini-me. Over the last few years she has been exploring her art side...and that just makes me so happy. I hope that she passes the love of art on to her son as well to keep it all going.
All I want for her is to "Spread her wings like a mighty eagle and fly. You are flawless and can do anything!"
I am not a perfect mother and I will never be. You are not a perfect daughter and you will never be. But put us together and we will be the best mother and daughter we would ever be.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. Words that soak into your ears are whispered… not yelled. Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway. Don’t judge folks by their relatives. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. Live a good, honorable life… Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. Don ‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’. Always drink upstream from the herd. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God. Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you. Most times, it just gets down to common sense.
Missing my phone call to Grandma Mary to wish her a happy birthday and catch up...She would love hearing all about what is going on and seeing that new Great-Great G-Girl. She has missed a lot and I have missed her. Every year we would go over how I was in labor trying REALLY hard to have my daughter on her birthday...
She would have been interested in my plans for the new year...so instead I will whisper it all to her tonight...
Ok...first day in the gym...it was ABS...I SO don't look like the photo...but I do have the pain! MET my step goal too! Today I fucking kicked ass even if I am slow like a turtle the point is I am changing it up and pushing through...if I wait to not be in pain before I start I won't ever start...so pain and pain...it's all good! I am going to be a fucking beast! starting the new year off right...determined!
Feeling a huge loss and still numb and in shock right now...trying to process it. I have been SO lucky to have two strong loving women in my life, Sondra my foster mom and Polly.
The world has lost someone infinitely special.
Polly saved my life many times as a teenager. She loved an unlovable girl thru some of the roughest times of my fucking life. I was SO lucky that my best friend shared her parents with me. If you pray, pray for Randall that lost the love of his life. He has no will to live now and I am profoundly concerned for him. She passed away in her sleep on Friday, Dec 11th. Ironically I found out on her Birthday ....Today Wed, Dec 16th. She never judged me and always accepted me right where I was even when I fucked up...she loved me and I loved her. She always embraced a very broken young person who always felt abandoned and loved me.
Today I had a major trigger at work. You go through life thinking, oh, I healed that. I moved on. Its ok the past can't hurt you. And you hear something, you smell something, and the muscle memory is right back in your body, a day that changed your life. Changed who you are. And a day that you worked REALLY hard not to let define you as a person. Honestly, I have had MANY days like this. But today brought me back to the visions of a time where I had night terrors and I could smell the scene.
The one today that was triggered was a case that came through this weekend. And when I got to work was the talk of the office. I felt like I was blind sided. It took me so far back I had to sit stunned at my desk for a few minutes until I could catch my breathe. It hasn't left me yet. A few times I cried. And I just have to give myself some room to process a painful memory and walk it out.
The first memory was that of blinding tunnel and then just wanting to be anywhere than where I was at that moment. And forget the smells.
I have always believed that my career was a calling. That the horrible things that I lived through and survived and later thrived made me more compassionate at my job. Especially with victims. And I have often thought that it is a way that my personal brokenness was able heal. You can't really run away from yourself or what you lived through when you see it through another persons eyes. Over the 30 years I have been there I have faced many personal struggles as I have seen it all walk through our doors. But today...I have to really give myself permission to deeply feel what I feel...and get passed it.
When I was 14 I came home to find blood all over my curved driveway. My heart started to panic. Blood all over my white house. Rushing in through the front door was so much blood all over the lime green walls down the hallway. Eerie quiet. I was searching for my family convinced my step brother had killed them all, I rushed to the back yard to look in the pool where I thought everyone would be floating face down....
So much blood you could smell the copper assaulting your nose. No family. I found my step brother in his room where he was trying to hang himself with a belt. I won't go into how my step monster found us! But he was lucky he came home....
Later I found out that my step brother had taken a baseball bat to my half sisters head. You can imagine a head wound and what that looked like coming up on it. We didn't know if she would make it. They thought she was going to lose her eye at the time. I remember telling her not to worry that she could have one of mine ... then she could be like Bowie with two different colors!
Anyway...ghosts are popping up today and I am working my emotions through and feeling more today because my young self had to go into warrior mode and I never really processed it all...I am going to be doing a lot of art around this I think and getting through the reasons I am dealing with this today. To see it through my grown up eyes. To commend myself for getting through it and surviving. For processing the anger I had at the adults in the house that let him BACK in the house and the nights we all slept with our doors locked ... the terror my sister lived through. And years my step monster showing up on my door step with him while my son was a baby, and putting my family at risk, the anger and betrayal... Even later finding out he married a woman with my half sisters name...and later finding out he killed himself and the relief I personally felt. Like I said a lot to process.
So everyone's family has their secrets! And in some way are screwed up. Over a year ago my world was kind of turned upside down...When you think you know your story and you think you know where you are from and then a lie is revealed it can shake you to the core.
Bottom line. I found out the man I thought was my mother's father, my grandfather was NOT her father nor my grandfather. Seriously shook me to the core. My cousin Annette was there when I found out...and it made me SO sad...and I worried that we were not even related.... We both did 23andMe ... sure enough we did not have the same grandfather!
The GREAT thing that came from that? I met Rob and his daughter Joanna TONIGHT!. We have been writing each other since 23andMe connected us as family...
Rob came up as my 2nd cousin. But we are both in the same boat of not knowing. He is adopted and I have no idea who my grandfather was. It is AMAZING that we found each other and I instantly felt like family! What a great night! One of the highlights of my life!
So this is me with my Cousin Rob and my Cousin Joanna! We had dinner at Chef Chu's and spent a few hours just talking and laughing! I am on such a high right now I can't think of sleep!
I would love to see this installation up close and personal!
So, by having books appear to grow out of the walls, Craig seems to be cleverly likening the spread of potentially controversial information through books to the unpredictable proliferation of fungi in nature.
Like WGB said....we are on a sexy date! Bahahaha! But hey, at least it is done and we can move on to getting our returns! And then when I get mine I can pay off another credit card!!! Whoot! Debt free this year!
Thanks to my friend for a nice 3.25 mile walk.... I will improve! Part way through it was all about zen...do not focus on the pain accept and move through it! I am back to out of shape and not where I want to be, Taji 100 is coming up and I am starting to be serious again...small steps, small focus points, I can do this!
So I post this and some one says I love the things you post! I respond That finger is full of bubbles!!! Its a bubble maker finger I gave everyone in the office one for Halloween! LOL
One of my friends say "Maybe it is the Vicodin, but I thought that was something of the battery operated kind! Lol!
I love bubbles! They are so relaxing to just sit and blow."
Then my niece starts! OHMYGAWD!
Is that what I THINK IT IS hahaha baaahaha you go auntie! RaWr!
Then my girl friend Katie "I. Am. Dying!!! I just almost choked to death from laughing with food in my face hole! The thing that gets me is that I am for once not the one who thinks something completely innocent is something naughty!"
Niece "Please don't die laughing with food in your face hole! Hahaha ... Ooh crap, I just read back and found out it's only bubbles! ... I'm going to continue thinking what I thought, cause it made my day Lmfao I can't hardly believe that is bubbles ... Auntie, I'm going to need to see these fingers bubbles in action! Bahaaaahaha"
Katie "That is all I see now but seriously, how creepy would that be?!?!! Like who would buy a big finger vibrator??? Bahahahah!"
Niece "Someone like me hahaha I totally would! So would my friends, I'm sure of it! Now I'm going to die laughing. Thanks for the giggles"
Then Gina pipes in "Wowwwwwwwwww!!!!! Hope it Reaches the spot... thatMakes bubbles??????"
Niece "Hahaha Hahaha I feel like such a dumb ass sitting here laughing out loud by my self!"
Finally I see all this and MY response! "OHMYGAWD! I am LAUGHING with tears fucking running down my face!!!! You guys are so hysterical! I NEVER thought anyone would think that! Bahahahahhaaha its a better story that I would bring THAT to work! LOL I am home...but Monday I will take photos! NAOMI !!!!!! SNORT"
My friend who retired sent me this beautiful plant today! Class act Mr. E!!! Work feels a bit empty without him! So grateful and feeling good that he thought enough about me to send me this beautiful tree....
With my Lana Woman....we were at our first girls get away with great friends and OMG laughing till we had to use depends!!! Sue B said something funny! Miss my girls! I love this so much, we were SO in the moment, just loving the experience and surrounded by girl friends! The best time ever! Honest laughter!
Our tech-dependent society has put keyboards at the tips of our fingers at all times, from our smartphones to our laptops. But when was the last time you wrote by hand? Science shows that handwriting can benefit our minds in a number of ways.
It was time to get motivated for the New Documented Life Planner Art Journal with my Mountain Bitches! We get together in January to inspire and set up our jouranals!!! So much fun! Another year is starting! This year I am keeping my planner in the Moleskine again and then Marilyn had made a junk journal and the person didn't want to buy it. So I bought it and I am going to use it for my Art Challenges!
Marilyn hosts us and we get spoiled! I missed Friday because a friends Retirement Party, but we eat, drink and are merry for 2 days...this time I had 1 day but I STILL feel refreshed and ready for journaling!
Here is the junk journal that Marilyn let me buy off her!
Yeah! I got up at 4:00 am...to finish the prep...I was crying by the end of it! It is DISGUSTING! I had to bite a lime slice after everytime I drank it...ending up barfing...gah...AND if they would tell you what color you are looking for I would NOT have had to do the morning prep! Bastards!
My prep was perfect! THANK GAWD!
I had a terrific nurse, but I told her I was freaking because of the IV...my veins hide...they hid. She tried the right side, nope, no go...then heated up my left arm and got it to finally go in a vein! ROLLING EYES! ALWAYS BAD!!!
I loved my doctor! She was very nice and explained a lot. Since I have IBS she decided to do two biopsies, one on the left side and one on the right side to check for a type of colitis that with someone with IBS can be overlooked.
I was SO out of it, my body doesn't tolerate drugs well, so she added an anti-nausia med in my meds. The nurse AFTER the surgery (not the one during) was not helpful at all...I don't even know how I got dressed let alone walked out without my shoes on!
WGB stopped at a Starbucks got me a Tuxedo coffee (which I haven't ordered in YEARS, but some how in my stupor remembered it, got me a breakfast item and scones...and I have NO memory of this at all...I layed out on the couch and was out all day ... I am writing this several days after! Friday was also spent on the couch where I slept most of the day away in my pjs and only took a shower because WGB told me I stunk! ah true love!
Most of the weekend I have spent walking bent over and wondering if all was ok with the biopsies because I fricken HURT! But seeing the photo of the way your colon goes I now understand that exactly where I am hurting is most like the places she did take the biopsy.
Just need time to heal.
The good news:
cancer! Whoot! AND another 10 years without having to have one of these bad boys again! So I am following through on all the things I need to do to take care of myself and fulfill THIS years word which is CLEAN. Clean up my health, clean up my finances, clean up my house...all that CLEAN!
So I am hoping that tomorrow and the rest of the week at work isn't too bad...I wasn't able to make it through the last few days without flaking on the couch and doing nothing!
First of all in about 2005 I lost a good friend of mine. Wow...its been that long. She had a family history of colon cancer. She didn't get a colonoscopy until she was 53, and then they found colon cancer. (Linda is on the right)
Last year I made HEALING my year word. I finally made an appointment to get my colonoscopy done in December...and yea the prep is today! I took half a day off for this wonderful experience! WHO in their right minds prescribes this horrible stuff for you? It is SO horrible I really don't know HOW I am going to finish HALF of the bottle at 4:00 am tomorrow! B L E R G
Of course all week I have had anxiety attacks. AND since I am 53 Linda keeps running in my head how she could have kicked herself for not taking the test at 50! So my brain keeps going there! Everyone keeps telling me that the prep is hardest...we will see tomorrow.
Well, not really how I wanted to start the year out with low stats...but being sick since Dec 23 has not helped my motivation!
TOTAL STEPS 18,882 DAILY AVERAGE 2,697 steps BEST DAY 4,154 steps TOTAL DISTANCE 8.35 miles DAILY AVERAGE 1.19 miles BEST DAY 1.84 miles TOTAL FLOORS CLIMBED 15 AVG SLEEP DURATION 8 hrs 11 min AVG TIMES AWAKENED 11 AVG TIME TO FALL ASLEEP 0hrs 15min
I am thinking about all the things I decided to do this year.
So "I" decided to continue doing a yearly Daily Journal Planner again. I bought myself a very pretty Violet Moleskine. Then I bought myself a wonderful Dylusions Journal. I am keeping my Moleskine the planner part and the Dylusion journal as my prompts art journal...
AND I have all those other blank watercolor journals because besides doing DLP, I of course had to add MORE pressure with a monthly class with Tangie AND a YEAR long class Life Book 2015 with all these teachers!!! All I know is I better not flake on this one! I better watch the videos and get some things out of it called finished pieces of art! FOLLOW through is my new art name! Because I cannot waste my money!
Oh and this WHOLE BUDGET thing...yes, this is the year folks the Gypsy gets out of debt. You can't do retirement in debt. This sucks...I am THINKING about everything I do. I have a spreadsheet. The thing that doesn't suck? I already PAID OFF a big credit card that has been hanging over me! I now have less than 30% to go and its only January! I am stoked at the changes happening!
OH and it is the year that the Torino will be restored and running! We decided to do stock and to make her a show car! I am putitng money aside every month and THIS YEAR she will be done!!! I am thinking of having Betty Boop painted on the rear fenders because I named her that when I was 12! AND she is red!
It is all about GETTING THINGS DONE this year! Including getting rid of my clutter and I want to update my furniture. I want a nice big TV with a nice piece of furniture to put it in and close it off when not in use. I want things taken care of this year! It is time. Most of my stuff is used since I got my divorce 14 years ago, except my bed, and I want new, pretty and comfortable...its time.
Ha! My girlfriend Christine sent this to me today...SO needed the laugh and it is SO true!!! I am having a REALLY hard time staying motivated to go to work, I REALLY want to retire. These days off for the holiday did not help me...
I am not having a good day...went to feed the birds in my back yard and a RAT (or a really big mouse) was hanging on my bird feeder staring at me! GAH Then when I screamed it ran up the tree limb and stared at me!
I guess I got my exercise when I RAN back into the house!
A friend of mine posted this, and it is a good cause. If you are looking to do something really nice for a family, donate here. Every little bit helps. I know, when my ex-husband died and we had to come up with funds for taking care of all the details, we could not have done it without a Go-Fund me account. Here is his website.
Go do something nice, its the New Year! Be grateful and pass it on!
I always try to give...and sometimes it is hard...but it is a good thing to do...if you feel like you need to that too, go read about Aitken, he is a tattoo artist:
On Febraury 13, 2013 he was diagnosed with AML leukemia he had a hard battle. Chemo, 7 bone marrow biopsies, in and out of Emory hospital. In September 2013 he finally was in remission. He slowly went back to his love and passion of our shop as a incredible tattoo artist. He's been tattooing over 22 years. We almost lost our shop when he was sick. This past summer he was asked to compete on Ink Masters but still being under doctors care he had to decline.
I am hoping he heals up well and gets the opportunity to go on Ink Masters...I love that show!
Our youngest got on a plane to go back to S. Korea. For another YEAR. I am in a funk.
I know she was leaving. I didn't get to see my son for the holiday break because I was sick and didn't want to give it to his girlfriend it is important she stay healthy since she is pregnant. But I missed them! I just miss the kids, and I want to retire. But its too early to retire so I have to stop thinking about retiring.
I am grateful for my kids, and I am grateful for my job, but I am just in a funk. Sigh. Winter.